lost it with dd and not sure I want another baby

[rubberglove]

My dd is nearly three and being quite difficult. Just the usual things, dressing and eating battles, not entertaining herself very much, tantrums etc

For some reason I am shorter tempered at the moment (have had a run of viruses so that doesn't help). I also have a lovely but cheeky 6 year old ds. Today I just lost it, I mean really lost it. I am very anti-smacking and never hit my kids but I ashamed to say I smacked her at tea time because she was messing at the table, as she does every tea time.

I smacked her on the shoulder because she was sitting in her high chair, then I lifted her roughly and shoved her on the sofa, demanding she sit there until I said she could move.

She was so shocked at my quite frankly disgusting behaviour it took a long time to calm her down. I did say sorry and cuddled in bed with her for stories and said I loved her. Which I do, so very much. I am shocked at my own anger and feelings of violence towards her.

I have a lovely bond with my kids. I am a SAHM and have loved being with my dd. Painting, baking and going for walks. But lately I feel a bit drained with it all. I am losing the enthusiasm for it. It isn't that I don't get support, i have a wonderful dh who does his fair share.

He wants to have a third baby. Maybe this is praying on my mind. Whilst I have never regretted my choices or my children, I am not sure I want to do the round of nappies, tantrums and toddler groups again. I crave a bit of independence from the home. Not a high flying career, not that there is anything wrong with that, I am just not cut out for it. But a little part time job would be nice.

Argh racked with guilt and doubt tonight

I'm only on DC1 so I can't fully empathise but I didn't want to read and run. You are not being unreasonable to want a bit of time for yourself. And I don't feel as though you should completely beat yourself up for what happened with your daughter earlier. Children are such hard work. My DD is only 4 months old but when she refuses to eat I can already feel myself getting stressed. They just produce this response in you.

I think it sounds like you need a little time to yourself, and that's perfectly normal. Does your DP/DH work M-F 9-5? Does your DD go to nursery? Even if you can't find a part-time job in the current climate, maybe there is some volunteer work you can do. Have you spent the past 6 years as a SAHM? If so a bit of independence and real adult interaction for a few hours is such a normal thing to need!

If I were you, I would find some work or volunteer work to do a little bit every week and then, after a few months of this independence, consider again whether you want a 3rd DC. There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding against DC3 if that really isn't right for. But maybe 6 months doing a bit of something else will help you decide?

I can understand why you don't want to go through the whole baby phase again. I have 2 dc's and believe me I am done! Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is the knowledge that never again will I have to deal with nappies, tantrums, moaning, crying, refusal to nap/go to bed, lack of sleep, no time for myself and so on. I really look forward to being able to interact properly with my children rather than guessing what the major tantrum is about...

I think you should seriously consider why/if you want a third child. Don't let your DH decide - he doesn't have to do the majority of the childcare if he works ft and you're a SAHM. There's no need to rush into anything. I'd second *lexiesgirl' idea about finding a job/voluntary work. Now that your dd is almost 3 and will soon be going to nursery and school, you have so many opportunities to do something for you.

thank you lexiesgirl, good advice

I always wanted a large family but now I am not so sure. It is hard work!

I do feel guilty about smacking dd but I will try very hard not to lash out again. I think I need a good strategy for dealing with tea time, that is when I feel on a low ebb. My ds was always a brilliant eater so I think this is why it pushes my buttons. She is more fussy and plays with food a lot more.

I am early thirties so time to think before deciding about extending family I suppose. I like the idea of volunteer work. What is the best way to go about that?

Yes sahm for 6 years!

Six years - wow. I'm not surprised you're fed up. I need to work part-time for my sanity. I do 2 days a week. A little adult interaction (I don't pretend it's for my career!) and a break. You don't have to rush the decision of another baby. Maybe let these ones get to the easy age before even contemplating it.

Ref teatime, if this is when you are at a low ebb, could you consider making lunch the main meal and having picnic type bitty stuff at tea so they can help themselves and you won't have to see how much is left on the plate?! You could even get a picnic mat for days when you're tired and can't be bothered. If they've eaten well at lunch and only pick at tea, it's not the end of the world. I think fussy children should be left to it. If they're hungry, they'll eat eventually, and she may just have a smaller appetite than your ds or be at a low ebb herself by this point. Do you give them a snack - could she be getting too full from that? I had to stop my DDs snack recently as I found she wasn't eating anything for tea.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up basically. Everyone has bad days.

Just wanted to say - please don't feel guilty. If I had a £1 for every time I'd lost my temper I would be ... fairly well off. You are not bad or horrible. Just human.
And 6 years. Wow! You deserve a medal.
p.s it's alot cheaper and easier to find holidays for a family of 4 than it is 5

Tea time is the witching hour. You're tired, bedtime is withinh kissing distance, your dd is tired... We're having tea time battles now with ds and I'm finding it hard as he starts playing up. Sometimes I leave the room as I get so annoyed with his screaming. I have found that giving him a smaller portion a bit earlier works wonders! Can you do that? And ignore bad behaviour. Easier said than done - I do this by talking to myself in my head so I remain aware of how I'm feeling about it as it's really stressful.

May I suggest a great book -- No cry discipline solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Full of gentle and very, very practical advice for all those battles.
I know what you mean with that time for yourself. Although I work, it's from home and I truly crave adult company. We have been helped enormously by having an au pair living in. It has made a huge difference in just feeling like you can interact on a whole different level on daily basis.
Best of luck!
M

I hate tea time in our house (5,3 and 18month old). In fact I feel like I'm regularly just shouting.

Can you go to the doctor about the tiredness? I've been feeling crap for about 4 months and finally went to the doctor who is taking it much more seriously than I though he would. I'm having vitamin b12 injections from next week.

3 is such a difficult age..