Feeling overwhelmed

[Jac1978]

I am a 34 year old first time mum with a three month old beautiful baby girl. I feel I can't really speak honestly about how I'm feeling to those around me so I'm hoping that talking anonymously on mumsnet might help. I am lucky in so many ways - I have a perfect baby girl, a doting husband who is amazing with her and who does most of the cooking and cleaning and my mum has also been amazing helping out with ironing, buying nappies etc. and has even helped out a couple of nights with looking after her when my husband was working nights and I needed a couple of hours sleep. So I know I'm luckier than most. People I've said I'm a natural at motherhood and that it really suits me but the truth is that I feel so overwhelmed. Other mums say it's the best time of their lives but I've never felt so anxious. To be fair it's not been easy I had to have surgery after the birth that left me feeling sore and uncomfortable, I failed at breastfeeding and had to give up and bottle feed as she was severely jaundiced and needed fluid and shes also been suffering from colic, wind and reflux but I feel so exhausted and low all the time. It's so daunting having this tiny person being so reliant on me and I have to do lots of days and nights on my own with her because of my husbands shifts and sometimes I feel panicky and worry about doing something wrong. I can't keep calling mum over, she has to work too. After several weeks of being nervous of taking her out on my own I forced myself to join a mums group and join a baby massage class at the childrens centre but I do get anxious before I go out and when I'm there I find it hard to make friends. I'm naturally shy and although I try really hard to make conversation I am so tired and nervous I don't think I come across very well and always seem to end up outside the conversations. The other mums seem so much more confident and happy, I feel so inadequate around them. I love my daughter so much but can't help missing my work colleagues and the job where I was valued. I want to do my best for my daughter but feel she deserves a better mummy than i am ever going to be.

I could have written your post, every word! All I can say is that it gets so much easier with time. It is a massive change to your life and having a baby is hard! Trust me, practically every new mum has felt the same, but we are under so much pressure to be perfect! I also found it hard to make friend's at baby group, I wasn't feeling my most vivacious or confident at the time! Luckily I came out with one good friend that I am still in touch with. I would persevere. It takes time to make friends. My dd is 16 months now. She is so easy, partly because she is obviously getting less dependent, but partly because I am adjusting. If you feel really overwhelmed then please speak to someone as you may have a touch of Pnd, but ime/ IMO these feelings are actually very natural and very common, and I wouldn't be surprised if lots more agree. Others may look like they are coping perfectly, but behind the scenes it is probably a different story! X

And please believe me you are a good mummy. The first time your baby says "mama" and wraps her chubby arms around you and gives you a kiss, you will realise. X

Grrr! Autocorrect is adding random apostrophes! I'm not illiterate I promise!

I'm bumping this for you - maybe everyone is going to bed, but I really think others may relate and be able to offer better advice than me!

I could have written your post almost to the letter after my first child (and my second and third) BUT IT WILL get easier and anxiety is awful and makes you doubt yourself and in fact makes you doubt almost everything all the time. Maybe you should go and speak to your gp or hv about these feelings- do u think you could talk to your mum about it? You sound like a fab mum and you are being far too hard on yourself but that is easier for me to say than it is for you to believe right now. Those first months are so hard and such a life adjustment and the reason you feel like you miss work so much is prob because you knew what you were doing there and you were in control of your work whereas this is all new and this little person is a whole new concept that it 'unknown' iyswim but your confidence will grow as your little one grows and you will see that you are doing a great job. So so many new mums feel exactly like you, even some of those at the baby group you describe who seem to be perfectly well will feel like that inside. Try to talk to your mum or dp and don't be afraid to ask for help. It is v late and hopefully some other more helpful posters will answer in the morning but you are definitely not alone

It seems to me you are a good mum already! The very fact you are so worried about getting things wrong and want the very best for her is proof of that. So please stop worrying about that.

If you feel very low and very anxious then, of course, you should see your GP or HV for advice, but much of what you have typed sounds to me like a very normal reaction to becoming a parent and reminds me of how I felt when my DD was small.

I remember finally plucking up the courage to take my DD to a mother and baby group when she was about 3 months old, taking ages to get out of the house, finally getting there, speaking to no-one and then coming home and crying my eyes out. But you know, slowly but surely (and after trying out different places) I started to make some really good friends.

I found the first six months (at least) with DD really hard in terms of feeling lonely, socially isolated and anxious about looking after her. I even bought her a present a six months to celebrate the fact I'd managed to keep her alive for half a year!!

If you do feel able to share some of your feelings with DH you may find he has his own concerns about how he is coping in his new role.

Oh, and please, please don't feel like a failure over the breastfeeding. I only managed six days and felt needlessly terrible about it for ages. It's natural to feel sad it didn't work out, when it's clearly what you wanted to do, but you have no reason to feel guilty.

So glad others have responded and feel the same way. Just goes to show if people are honest, it's not always the bed of roses it is made out to be. Yes, peole warn you it is hard and you believe them, but nothing quite prepares you fir how hard it really is! It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have done a few things that would be seen as challenging, just as I am sure that you have achieved a lot in your career/life op. I hope you feel, if nit reassured, then at least not alone! And I hope that right now you are managing to get some blissful sleep!

I too can relate to much of what you have said. I was your age when I had DS1. He is 19 now and we have survived!

I had terrible breastfeeding difficulties and moved to bottle feeding thinking I was a monster. DS1never looked back and has been a picture of health and happiness most of the time.

I also had (still have) a job that I loved and was good at. Small babies don't offer detailed appraisals and performance reviews (possibly just as well) so the "job satisfaction" can seem elusive at first.

One thing I would say is baby groups are not compulsory. Your baby will only benefit from them if they benefit you. If it seems too much give it a rest for a while.

You will have numerous opportunities to meet other mums over the coming years. When the better weather is here you will bump into people in parks,feeding the ducks etc. I met my best friend in a swing park back in 1993!

Finally enjoy your baby and give yourself permission to be less than perfect.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I wasn't expecting such brilliant replies so quickly. Your kind words have been a huge comfort and already I feel more positive just knowing it's not just me and I don't have to beat myself up if i am finding things hard sometimes. I will print off your replies for whenever I am feeling like this again. Can't thank you all enough xx

Just to add, please read the book, "what mothers do: especially when it looks like nothing" by Naomi stadlen. If it didn't save my life it certainly saved my sanity! I also bought it for a friend who was struggling and she loved it to. Not a smug parenting book that makes you feel even worse, but an honest collection if positive and negative accounts if what it's like to be a mother. Will try to link: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/074992490X

Well I'll be honest and say that I found the first 6 months of being a new mum really hard and felt much the same as you. It was an overwhelming, unrelenting sense of responsibility combined with not really having a clue what I was doing! All I can say is it does get easier and I think most parents have times when they feel utterly daunted. I still feel as though I'm winging it mostly and I'm on DC2 now.

Keep going out and about, you sound as though you're doing well having found a baby group. I joined a few and then dropped the ones I didn't like so much. Try to smile even if you are too sleep deprived and brain fried for actual conversation and you'll get to know people in time.

At 3 months your little girl won't be giving much back yet but she will soon be much more responsive and I found this made a difference - more rewarding and less scary than tiny baby stage.

I've had a bit of PND - not as serious as I know it can be, but characterised by anxiety and feelings of worthlessness eg that I'm not the best mummy for my children, and feeling overwhelmed. It kicked in both times around 3to4 months after babies born eg about where you are now. For me I think it as just the hormone levels changing threw me off balance a bit, second time round I recognised the feelings, knew it would pass and took st john's wort(was even prescribed by nice GP - anti depressants would have terrified me). Good luck with whatever you do to cope.

It's not just you. Most new mothers have experienced something similar in their time. New babies genuinely are a big responsibility! You're not a failure for bottle feeding. (My DS was mostly bottle-fed and, speaking personally, I'm a hugely successful mother... :) ) So don't feel frightened to talk to others. In fact, if you own up to feeling daunted I bet those 'confident' mums at the groups you go to will completely empathise and want to help. Good luck

I absolutely know where you are coming from. I have a DS who is 18 months and I was absolutely unprepared for how difficult it would be having a baby. I have a very stressful and demanding job and honestly thought "how hard can having a baby be" but it was way beyond my expectations. I think for me, it was the crushing realisation that there was no break. Day or night. Weekday or weekend. It was never ending and I felt an enormous weight on my shoulders because of this. And like you, I had a wonderful husband who did 50% of the work. I had a mother and MIL who helped me out enormously but at the end of the day it was me and my DH alone who put my son to bed every night (which as we all know is not as easy as it sounds) and I was very anxious even when I was away. I didn't go to baby groups because I was overseas and then went back to work very quickly (and that saved me to be honest) but my sister did and she found them useful.

The only thing I can say is as time goes on, it gets easier. I am now just starting to enjoy my son. That sounds terrible but it's true. He can entertain himself, he sleeps more reliably and I am less anxious. He had reflux as a baby as well and that was difficult.

It was the hardest year of my life but I made it through it and so will you. I had a midwife say to me that the first year of having your first baby is the hardest thing you will ever do and she was right.

Just stick with it and take it day by day. Each day means you are getting there and making progress and it will get easier.