How do I help her?

[squashedbanana]

I need some advice on my daughter. On the outside she is helpful, friendly, outgoing and working hard at school. But she has chronically low self esteem, she is an absolute people pleaser, even if it means she goes without. For example, she has told her friends they don't need to bring a birthday present for her at her party, she has asked her friends what food they would like me to provide, she has told them all not to worry, that I can pick them all up and drop them home.

She is forever apologising, even if she doesn't need to, her justification being that she wants to, so it is alright.

She doesn't like anything about herself and responds and views everything negatively.

I try to boost her up but she won't have any of it and I just don't know what to do. She is also highly sensitive and prone to tantrums, days out get ruined, special occasions are spoiled by histrionics and strops, I don't know if this is a separate issue or if it is tied to her self confidence

It's so painful to see as she is such a lovely warm hearted and kind girl but I can really see her lining herself up to be used and taken advantage of when she is older by wayward friends and no good boyfriends.

She is 11 and going to secondary school soon and I am really worried about her.

How much personal responsibility do you give her at home? How much is she allowed to change your mind, for example, or have a say in family decisions? Do you debate ideas as a family together, encourage constructive disagreement? It's clear that she's thinks she has to be a doormat to be friends with people outside of the home. If she's still going the tantrum route at home age 11, it could be because she's trying to be 'the baby' and get attention - or she's treated as a baby and is responding in kind. It could be that she doesn't feel able to articulate what she wants with confidence. Just some thoughts...

They're good thoughts, thanks...

Sometimes I will change my mind, if it's over something that's not a big deal but I do try and remain consistent in no meaning no, no matter how much whining. She thinks if she nags enough I will give in. I think I made a rod for my own back with that as when she was younger I would give in for a quiet life, I was overwhelmed with things that were going on and didn't have the capacity to be as consistent as I should have been, in hindsight I was battling depression. I have become more firm and consistent in my behaviour in recent years so I don't send mixed messages, no means no not maybe, or yes if you pile enough pressure on

She has a say in family decisions, but usually when asked she just shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know or mind. I asked her to draw up a list of things she would like to do in the easter holidays as she complained she was going to be bored, but she never got round to doing it. We all had a nice Easter though, daytrips, movie days, baking etc

She is given a lot of responsibility, she has to keep her room tidy, make sure her homework is done and handed in on time, she has to help with little jobs around the house. It is hard to get her to talk about things, she just gets frustrated, I try and talk to her but she stonewalls me and doesn't want to know.

I try not to baby her but sometimes I have to, I have to remind her to put clean underwear on each day, nag her to have a bath as she won't do it willingly, I have to stand over her and make sure she brushes her teeth as previously she would lie and say she had done them when she hadn't. So in this way she is treated as a baby, but it's necessary.

I have tried talking to her about not allowing herself to be treated as a doormat and to expect other people to consider her feelings as she considers theirs but she just didn't get it and thought I was finding fault.

Probably whatever you're dealing with is too deep for Internet Chat to help much.
I am thinking about 10yo DD who is very confident, & why should she be that way (mostly, still has her self-doubt moments).
DD has one mate who adores her, does a lot to affirm her self-esteem. Good friends can do that.
Also, spent a few yrs at Judo, knowing she can physically master others brought her confidence on a lot, and anything else she excels at has been similar, I think there's a positive feedback loop from that kind of thing.

I was like your daughter at that age, and throughout my teens. In fact I'm still a bit like it now, but not so much. On the plus side I had quite a lot of friends at school! But I do think the people pleasing is about not feeling able to articulate what your are feeling, or thinking there is no point because you're going to get shouted down. In my case I have a very dominant older sister, but I was also always worried about what my mum wanted or didn't, and trying to please her. Looking back, I could have done with much more one and one time with my mum, especially in my early teens, and more reassurance that whatever I said or thought bore weight, eg making decisions, having arguments and winning sometimes, not worrying about saying the 'wrong' thing.

I had a mum with some anxiety/depression issues - it made me a big people pleaser with low self esteem, too - I guess you end up just saying yes, doing what the parents want etc just to make the atmosphere better (I doubt my parents ever realised this though). I was v.miserable...my gran then told me (after I thanked her about 4 times for making me a sandwich!) that I had to stop being pathetically grateful for any small thing & that it was the way things were at home that was making me that way. That was brilliant advice & I became my own little coach after that and really tried to build up my self esteem. Sounds cheesy but inspirational sports films, martial arts classes with a great coach, uplifting books, reading really inspirational biographies about people that changes the world and got through hardships, etc, resolving to only be friends with positive people and cutting anyone negative out my life, and eating/exercising well all the time because it made me feel great and a
Bunch of other stuff...done daily for years - totally sorted me out! But I started all that when I was about 18 so you'd need to seek a lot of this out for her if you think it help. I bet you are a super lovely mum and mine is too but I guess a person living with a person with depression can get really dragged down-I think it's nobody's fault but it needs to be acknowledged. Maybe this is not the case with your daughter at all but just thought id pass on my experiences as it sounds like there might be some similarities in our experiences (albeit different ages)? If it helps I am now pretty much the happiest person ever, a big risk taker, not ever bothered about others opinions of me, confident & even waking up & seeing rain can put a smile on my face ok sometimes I am also a Mary cow but all this PMA I forced myself to do has had a massive upside & I'd never have forced my own hand like that if I hadn't had my parents depression to grow up and struggle with. Feel free to ignore me as like I say, just my experience, but who knows it might be similar!

Ps mardy cow not Mary cow!