23 month old won't stay with daddy

[KirstieD]

Hi,

Hoping for some advice/enlightenment on this as we are struggling to understand why this is happening.

My son is 23 months old, and is generally happy (apart from the tantrums most toddlers have!!), and is very loving and playful with his Daddy when we're all together. In fact, I'd say I'm redundant at those times!

However, when I leave the room, even just to go upstairs for something, he goes nuts and cries his eyes out. It's even worse if I leave the house for any reason, or even go for a nap (I work nights).

He also won't allow his Daddy to do the bedtime routine, we've tried on several occasions but he becomes that distressed it just doesn't seem worth putting him through it at bedtime. He won't let Daddy settle him if he wakes in the night either, he becomes distressed again, just shouting Mummy and sobbing.

He stays at my parents house overnight when I work nights, and he's fine when he's there, and doesn't cry one bit when I leave him.

We do think that some of it may be to do with the fact that my hubby works two weeks of nights in four, but doesn't explain the complete change in attitude between when I'm there and when I'm not.

At a guess, I'd say it's happening because he's discovered from experience that it gets him more attention and gives him a sense of power when by his actions he can change what you and dad are doing. He's not actually that distressed, but he finds it comfortinag and reassuring to see that you change your behaviour when he shows signs of distress.

You need to get him used to being alone with Dad by actually leaving the two of them alone in the house, at first just for a quick 20 minutes or so, and then for an hour and evenually for several hours during a bedtime routine. He will shout and cry a lot at first but he will get used to it. Dad will also find it distressing but when you get through the difficult time they will both have a happier time.

secomd XKCD you just need to leave if you go to him after dad tries for 30 mins he just learns that tomorrow he has to make fuss for 32 mins etc.

he is obviously fine with his dad, you really need to leave for a short while , it will also help dad's confidence too, maybe he should stay at home with dad some nights when you work as if he is in your house he thinks he has to have you while in different house different people, maybe get your parents to stay at your house and see what happens

while obviously a 2 year old is not being deliberately manipulative or anything he has learnt that crying gets things done his way, you have to stand your ground as you work nights you just can't do all night time routine and settling

Dh has to work shifts you work nights DS has to learn to go to bed for different people

another thng you could try is DH doing slightly different routine DD always get extra time jumping on bed with her dad also Dh sometimes forgets to take her slides and ponytails out before bed and i suspect he forgets to brush teeth too sometimes but I let it go

good luck and let DH wing it