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Getting DS & DP to bond

2 replies

justhayley · 03/05/2012 11:41

Hiya my DS is 19 days and Im getting really upset as I dont think my DP has bonded with him yet he's in the army & wasn't around much during the pregnancy, but every time he came home he would talk to my bump kiss it etc, & seemed quite excited to meet our little man.
He was at the birth and for the first week was happy spending time holding kissing & looking at him.
However the last week has been pretty rough. Baby has been suffering with Colic so there's been lots of tears and not much sleep. DS has been really clingy he crys if he's not with me & won't settle on DP at all.
Last night DP tried to settle DS and after a few minutes lost his patients and swore at DS. I was so upset & of course took DS off him. He apologised this morning & said that he's just struggling.
He's due to go back to the Army & won't be around for 2/3 weeks from Sunday. I don't feel DP & DS have bonded & it's really upsetting.
I'm not sure if DS won't settle with DP because he doesn't recognise his voice because he wasn't there everyday in pregnancy.

Has anyone got any tips on helping DS and DP bond?

X

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
AblativeAbsolute · 03/05/2012 13:43

Not sure it's terribly helpful for you at the moment, but I just wanted to say that the fact that they're not bonding now doesn't mean they won't later. My DH was similar with DS1 at that age - like you, I had a very colicky baby who screamed constantly, and DH (and I!) found it pretty hard to adore him. Even later, DH and DS1 weren't all that close - DS had appalling separation anxiety until he was about 2, and at one point would scream until he was literally sick if DH tried to put him to bed. I got quite down about it, and felt very hurt on DH's behalf (actually more than DH was, I think). Anyway, DS1 is now four and a half, and he and DH are as thick as thieves. DS1 is actually much more like DH in personality than he is like me, and they love doing stuff together now (DH has far more patience for the type of things DS1 enjoys - dinosaurs, Lego, general geek stuff!!). Basically, DH just isn't much of a baby person, and he found it quite hard to relate to DS1 when he was little. Having a colicky baby is even harder if that's the kind of person you are, because you don't have the reserve of gut-feel love and patience when they're being difficult. I remember DH once handing DS1 to me when he'd been carrying him around for hours, screaming, and saying 'you have to take him or I'm going to kill him'. I don't think for a moment that he would actually have hurt him, but he just couldn't take it any longer. That's not to say it's not hard for you too - I certainly lost my temper and shouted at DS1 a couple of times when he'd been screaming for hours on end - not something I'm proud of, but I'm only human.

Anyway, in terms of actual advice, I would say don't push it - ie don't try to force them to bond. It won't work, and it will probably just make your DH feel even more guilty if he can't 'do' it. See if you can give him lots of other, more practical ways to help, like doing housework and cooking - that way, he'll feel involved and valuable, without the pressure of 'having' to bond. Also, you say that DS is clingy and won't settle on DP - remember how depressing it is for DP to always take the baby and have him start to cry. Are there times when the baby's more settled that DP could take him? DS1 used to be much happier in a sling, and he and DH used to go for long walks together. There wasn't much actual bonding going on, but it meant that DH felt he was successfully 'looking after the baby', plus it gave me a very much-needed break (and DH too - he could listen to his ipod and zone out for a bit, without feeling like he was shirking). Could you try something similar? Colicky babies are often happier if they're held upright and walked around, so going for a walk could be a good plan.

Above all, try not to worry about the future bond. It will come, in its own time.

HTH. Good luck! xx

trixie123 · 04/05/2012 23:06

it will come in time. As the previous poster said, new babies can be awful. Just because they're your baby doesn't mean you automatically love this raging, ear-splitting little thing. I am really not one for talking to the bump etc, DP never did it with either of our DCs - I really really doubt that that is an issue. Your DP does need to try to learn a little patience, but taking turns with the colicky thing is vital. If poss, the one whose turn it is should take the baby out of earshot of the other, or at least further away so they get a break from the noise. As baby gets older and more able to respond, if your DP does his bit (which basically means smiling at her and caring for her when he's there) they'll get there.

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