Honesty or little white lies?

[40notTrendy]

Ds, 5, has started asking about death and dying. It began when his great grandad celebrated his 90th birthday end of last year and ds got upset as he thought you died when you were 100.
After a trip to see the dinosaurs at NHM, he asked when I would die.
Tonight, he was asking what the biggest number was. I said, quite flippantly on reflection, that numbers go on forever. He then started sobbing, really crying and said that daddy will die first, then you. And also will I have to leave all my toys when I die? Which prompted more sobbing.
I was torn between wanting to make light of it all and make him laugh and wanting to be honest.
I said that no-one knows when they are going to die and then started talking about weekend plans.
How much do you think they can handle about death and dying at this age?

DCs don't have a problem with it, unfortunately adults make it a taboo subject. When I was a widow DCs of 5/6 yrs were very interested, it was their parents who were embarrassed and tried to change the subject. Just answer his questions honestly- after all it is the only sure thing in life-we will die.
Say that most people are very old and their body wears out. His great grandad was very old and had seen his own children and his grandchildren grow up so if you are like him your DS will be a man and his children will be grown up.
Don't use terms like 'gone to sleep', that really is frightening.
There are some good books around, try the library. There is a good one, I think it is called 'Badger's Last Gifts'.
They can handle it, my DS had to and we had long discussions when he was only about 2years. Be very matter of fact.

Thank you. You're right, I certainly don't want to make it taboo. It breaks my heart to think one day I won't be around for him, perhaps I need the books too!

It is the natural order. My mother is very elderly, I can't be sad for her when she goes, she has had enough. Talk to most really elderly people and they will tell you that old age is no fun. Having said that it was a real fear for me to leave my DSs. Make sure you have guardians sorted.

Pretty much like exotic, I'd say something on the lines of: "Most people only die when they are old and tired and ready for it. I know it sounds scary to you now, when you grow up things feel different."

I would avoid stating that people only die when they are old- he will soon find out that isn't true.

And I might even admit that I too think it's scary and that many people do, but then I'm not ready for it yet either and I think I will feel different when I am.

Loudly proclaiming that you're not scared of death and there is nothing to be scared of can back-fire; sooner or later he will see you in a situation where it is obvious that you are scared or upset by the thought of death, either your own or somebody else's. Best to be open and rational about it. Talking calmly about things that scare you can help a child to master his own fears.

Cory, that's great advice too, good words to say. I like the idea of saying you feel different as a grown up. Thank you

Btw we do have guardians sorted. A good friend did our wills for us and guided us through that part. Not sure I'll share that with him yet!

i second what exoticfruits said about going to sleep my uncle told my niece this when my grandfather was dyin recently and poor child would not go to sleep for fear she wouldn't wake up!

I would sugar coat it a little some other genius told my niece that everyone will die even little children can die and again she was shaken by it in hindsight i wish we had discussed death with her before she was faced with it suddenly everyone was telling her different things about death from the cold hard truth to angels coming down it confused and upset her.

exoticfruits is right there are some fab books out there that can explain to children at an early age...

40 letting him know what would happen if you and DH did die is not a bad thing. Children are very pragmatic and accepting - most children seem to find it a comfort knowing who would look after them if anything happened (providing they like the person!!).

when my ds was taken off life support i was given a little bit of advice from the care team, as i was worried about our ds passing away infront of the children, how would it affect them to see their brother pass away etc etc (they were older..15 and 8 and others were 18 and mid 20's) and one thing that has stuck in my mindwhat the care team said was this " try to be as honest as you can, if you push your children out of the room, they will begin to imagine allsorts that doesnt actually happen"...i held onto them words for 2 weeks and when ds passed our ds 15 and 8 were by his bedside...dh tried to push them out of room but i insisted they stayed there and i am so glad they did as they come to terms and accepted their brothers death much quicker than i thought...kids are so resilient, when you least expect them to be xxx

Doormat, so sorry for your loss. Very wise words.
I'm beginning to realise it's like all fears, the more you know and understand, the less frightening it becomes.
Thank you all.