3 year old comments on black children/adults

[baconcrisps]

Please be gentle.
Have namechanged as don't want to out myself.

My 3 year old DS has recently started commenting oddly (imo) when he sees back children at the park/swimming pool. Eg "what are those brown boys doing?".
This threw me because previously he has never commented on skin colour (unlike hair colour and clothing colour for example) and I was under the mistaken impression that he was oblivious to it as a "difference" iyswim.

He attends a preschool where he mixes with children of different races and outside of this we have Asian and mixed race friends with/without children, but I guess predominantly they are fairly "light-skinned" and his comments have come when the children have had darker skin.

On the 3 occasions it has happened so far I have replied "swimming, just like you"/"playing on the roundabout" and then (out of earshot) said something along the lines of "Why did you call that boy a "brown boy"? It's a bit rude to call someone by their skin colour". And tried not to make a big deal of it. But now it has happened 3 times and I'd appreciate some advice on how to address this with him/if you think it's not a big deal?

Thanks

Unless children have some kind of sight impairment they are not oblivious to skin tone. I don't really see the problem to be honest - he's not making a negative comment, he is just identifying who he is talking about.

Maybe it would be worth talking a bit about similarities and differences at home though. Does he have any books or toys that feature different ethnicities?

It is just his way of describing people.

When I was a similar age I asked one of my dads colleagues why his hands where a different colour than the rest of him - he just laughed it off as he knew it was an innocent comment from a child rather than said with any sort of nastyness.

Children do notice and comment upon difference but I am sure in the long run it won't be an issue

OK Thanks, sounds like I am maybe getting my knickers in a twist over nothing...
I honestly had thought that he didn't notice skin colour as a difference as he had never mentioned it before.
He has loads of books, am pretty sure they must have a big cross-section of pictures showing different ethnicities. Just wasn't sure whether was better to make a big "people come in all different shapes, sizes, colours" spiel or whether that would be digging a bigger hole for him to start noticing and commenting on differences even more!

It sounds quite innocent, he if referring to the 'brown boys' no differently to describing them as 'the boys wearing the red jackets' etc. He is not making a negative link between people's skin colour and their behaviour.

FWIW, my DD is 4 and has also started saying 'I know two Emmas. Emma with the black face and Emma with the white face'. We are not white ourselves, so she is merely using their colour to describe them.

I think they all start noticing colour of skin at around this age, as long as you just explain that people are different colours and not get over-complicated I think that's fine.

Wait until he points out the 'fat lady' at the petrol station.... They just say what they see, don't they? It's the grown-ups putting nasty twists on things.

to him, he is just using a visual description.
it's the same as "boy with blue jumper" OR "girl with long hair"
to a child

I don't think you need to worry too much. My DS is 4, and will often refer to the red man, or the black lady etc, he is referring to the colour of their clothes. It is just a way of describing which person they are talking about. I would be careful though that you don't make it into an issue where there is not one.

I agree. Children do notice skin colour, like any other physical characteristic, but it's only an issue if you make it one. My DD is just three. She has a book with lots of different cartoon faces of children on one page. We used to play a game where she would say which face was each of her friends. I noticed that, even at 2.5, she would match the ethnicity of the drawings to that of the friend she was talking about. She would also match hair colour and hairstyle.

I think, if you make a big deal of it, she might focus on it more.

Its no more an issue than calling someone black haired really
Its us that puts connotations on simple descriptors

Like cogito, my DD lately commented on a fat lady at the petrol station. Said there was a baby in that big big tummy. Quick tug on the hand and scurried sway

DS1 stayed with my husband in our flat in London for the first time overnight at about 4 (we live in deep rural Kent). The flat was on the Black Prince Estate. My DH took him for a late night walk to Tesco's and when they came back there was a gang of 'youths' at the bottom of the stairs. DH not worried at this point - quite normal behaviour - until they were just at the point of walking through and DS1 pipes up 'look at all the chocolate men daddy'. Fortunately they all laughed like drains. DH was mortified.

My little un says that brown person / child, that pink one ...
I say yes, but some dark brown people prefer to be called black,
And some lighter brown people liked to be called asian ....
Ask mummy if you not sure ......
Does that sound ok ? Respectful ?

I disagree with some of the posts on here - I think you reinforce the "It's a bit rude to call someone by their skin colour" message whenever DS does it - you don't need to make a big deal out of it.

Just because it is said innocently doesn't mean it is appropriate, and he may hurt someone's feelings or be misunderstood at some point if he doesn't learn respectful language from you.

I think it's just that age where they're learning how to describe people and you just wish they'd be a bit less literal. My 3yr old daughter said on our way to the park today, "mummy, where is that old woman going?", the 'old woman' she was referring to looked about 25 fgs. I just laughed and said, "she's not old, she's a young lady". She's also said things like, "mummy, that lady is sooo big", and I'll tell her it's rude to comment on others size.

I think you should carry on as you have been, teaching him socially polite ways of referring to people, you're the best teacher. I have mixed-race kids btw. My DD sometimes describes herself as brown, in a very obvious and literal way... as she matures I guess she'll adopt a more proper term!

i wouldnt even give it a second thought. Theres no negative connotation and noone expects a 3 year old to know whether someone is asian or whatever continent theyre from.
Even my 11 year occasionally talks about one of his friends who has brown skin. He wouldnt refer to him as black because hes probably 1. not thinking he is black coloured, and 2. doesnt think the colour of his skin defines him enough to call him just the colour black