Help for an anxious 4 year old

[MrsFoogles]

My 4 year old son has always suffered with separation anxiety and has some predictable ongoing fears about certain loud noises like hoovers and hand dryers in toilets, fear of the smoke alarm going off even when I'm not cooking.

I guess I thought that by now, especially as he's been at nursery for a term and a half, that the fears would be easing off. He cries and refuses to talk to my friend's children if we visit their houses, he cries when I take him to school if there's anything slightly new or different and clings to me and pulls at my clothes if there's a new child starting (like today, that's why I'm here!) and the teacher literally has to take him from me which I hate, as I'd rather he went - even if still crying - of his own will rather than by force as I think that just adds the fear of being taken from Mum into the equation.

I always encourage him and tell him it's ok to be nervous and to be brave as the outcome of being nervous is often positive. I don't get cross with him but try to be firm and to keep his routine as similar as possible when we're going into a potentially stressful situation for him. He's very intelligent for his age, and a great communicator. I find he listens and understands when we talk things through and he knows how to take deep breaths to help him overcome his nerves but he still does not cope well in these situations. He's not even particularly shy - he'll talk to anyone in the street and is quite happy popping 3 doors down the street on his own to post a letter for me.

His fears often end in frustration for him which turns to anger and violence towards me which I cannot tolerate. He has recently been invited to a friend's house from school but because he daren't go, I feel he's aiming all his frustration at me and he's never been a violent boy before! I'm 8 months pregnant and he'll aim kicks and punches at my stomach. He'll go from being his usual chirpy lovely self to suddenly kicking off about the slightest thing. I totally sympathise as he's growing up, getting a new baby sister in a few weeks, starting school in September and I feel it's a faze of transition from Mummy's baby boy to a big school boy....however, just because I understand how he must feel, I'm not sure how to cope! With my hormones as they are and lack of experience dealing with stressed, fearful 4-year-old boys, plus my own fear that things will get worse when the baby arrives, I really don't know who to talk to for advice or what techniques to try.

I really feel he may be suffering from some kind of anxiety or panic attacks and I'm considering talking him to the GP but I don't want to make a big deal out of his issues and make him feel bad or ruin his self esteem as mostly he's a good and very self assured kid....help?

"I always encourage him and tell him it's ok to be nervous and to be brave as the outcome of being nervous is often positive"

I wonder if that's planting the wrong message? If he was wing-walking, fair enough, but it's really not OK to be nervous if a new child starts school and he has no need for bravery or calming techniques in that situation. I remember one nephew who occasionally got car-sick would be guaranteed to be sick with his mother in the car because she would pre-empt the trip with lots of messages about 'how are you feeling?'... 'if you feel sick we'll stop'... 'are you feeling sick?'. In the car with anyone else he was fine.

Perhaps a more upbeat narrative that makes no mentions of deep breaths, nervousness or bravery would help? "How exciting that there's a new child in the class. I can't wait to meet them. Wonder what they're like. What do you think their name is"... etc. Ignore the attention-seeking skirt-pulling and so on as if it isn't happening and obviously come down very hard on physical violence. I don't think sympathising is the right response.... not unless you want him to be aggressive towards the new baby as well.

Oh I see how that must come accross - I'm always very upbeat as we walk to school and if I know something will be different I don't play on it at all. The deep breaths and reasurance comes when he's in the throws of tears and is screaming to come home with me. Distracting him with a toy from home used to work, but it doesn't any more. He is literally fine until we get to school, I never suggest to him that he might cry of ask if he's ok. We usually chat about the weather or something - plus he loves school, he usually wants to go and the fears just come from nowhere all of a sudden. I mean the teacher today was trying to ask my son over to show the new girl what to do but no, he'll have none of it once he gets it in his head that he's scared he just hides behind me. I never mentioned that he should be brave until he told me he was scared so it's not like the example you used about your nephew. I wish it were that easy that telling him to act a certain way would actually influence it!

''it's really not OK to be nervous if a new child starts school and he has no need for bravery or calming techniques in that situation''
I do think though that it is ok to be nervous, I have suffered panic attacks for seemingly silly reasons in the past, children become frightened of thing that we would think stupid like monsters under the bed, I don' think they should ever be told they are wrong for this, just taught how to deal with it.

Oh Mrs Foogles- I totally sympathise! I absolutely see where Cogito is coming from, but I'm afraid I disagree. I have a child who sounds very very similar to your DS and empathy has to be the way to deal with it. Of course violence can't be tolerated, but ALL fears should be taken seriously- the world can be a very big scary place for little people (and particularly bright little people). It sounds to me like you might like to read about "Supersensitive children" and "Dabrowski's Overexcitables"- worth googling, as they helped us to understand our daughter. The NAGC also has lots of helpful info and telephone support. Our DD was particularly challenging before DD2 was born and a lot of the fears were allayed by the safe arrival of DD2... I hope things get easier for you then too. The other thing we did was to make it clear that we would not tolerate "big fussy noises!" of any kind (by getting down to her level and using ultra-strict voice and finger wagging) but at the same time taking every point/fear/concern raised by DD very seriously and doing everything we could to sort it out. We home ed because nursery/school was just a step too far for her- we had an incredibly unhappy child all the time, but she's now totally comfortable in her own skin. We rarely have a problem now because we've gradually confronted the hand-driers and smoke alarms and scratchy labels on tshirts and life is much, much easier! You both have my hugest sympathy though because it really is hard. Incidentally, DD2 is the opposite- you couldn't meet a more laid-back, easy-going child, and she's really helped to relax DD1. Hopefully you'll have the same experience! x