When DP goes back to work...

[arthurfowlersallotment]

Hello MN.
I'm a long term lurker on pregnancy and childbirth, now a poster as I had my DD1 ten days ago and now I really need advice!

I was wondering how you felt when your DH/DP went back to work after paternity leave? My DP returns to work in a week's time and I'm utterly petrified.

I had an EMCS but I'm not in a great deal of pain anymore though I do have limited mobility.

I have been feeling very wobbly since the birth (especially since DM went home to Ireland yesterday) and have had two little outings with DP to the shops with the baby. But I did find it a bit scary. (Especially on the second one when DD started screaming blue murder in Santander and I had to go home with her screeching) :(

I am very emotional at the moment so I don't think I'm in the clearest frame of mind but I'm dreading him going back to work.

I know I sound very silly especially when you consider what many women have to cope with after they have their DCs.

But does anyone have any stories to share on how they got through it and if indeed they also felt a bit afraid.

Sometimes I think I'll never get out of the house again...

Do you know anyone else with a new baby you can meet up with? Maybe from antenatal classes?

The only places I really went in the first weeks with my first baby was the baby clinic, or to visit other new mums.

I found it best to go out in the afternoon, as waiting for DH to come home made the afternoons really drag.

Oh yes, Lynette, I have my NCT mums but we all had our babies in the last four weeks so none of us are ready to get properly out and about just yet, but definitely down the line.

I think I'm just bloody terrified of everything at the moment and it is so out of character for me. (Former extreme sports junkie and backpackery type).

It's just a new experience, you will get used to it. I had a CS and DM went home after three weeks (no partner) and I was shitting it, but it was ok. I just did everything really slowly, especially packing the baby bag, in case I forgot anything.

I think the key to keeping your sanity is to get out every day. Always make sure everything's ready before you need it. I keep one of these stocked with nappies, wipes, muslins and a spare set of clothes and remember to top it up when I get in rather than when I'm about to leave. I prefer it to a giant changing bag as I can chuck it under the pram or in my bag if I'm using a sling.
I have a 4 week old, though he is my third so everything is much easier this time round, and dp went back to work yesterday. I couldn't cope with being in the house all day, though I expect that as you're still recovering from a c section you'll need to take it easy. Why did you have to come back home with the baby? Was there nowhere for you to sit and calm or feed her? It sounds to me like you need to build your confidence. You can't let yourself become housebound because the baby might cry when you're out. In time you won't even think about these things.
Fwiw, I find all of mine have been much happier when in a sling than in a pram. When you've recovered that might be worth looking into. I have a Moby and can't recommend it enough.

I've been a single mum from birth so that probably determined my mind-set. However, I do remember my DM leaving after staying with us for the first week, having the place to ourselves again, looking baby DS in the eye and saying something to the effect of 'It's just you and me now kid... we'd better work together or it could get messy'. :)

And that's my tip. Talk to your baby. Tell them how you're feeling. Sing and dance to the radio together, tell them your worst jokes, moan about the neighbours, shout at politicians on the news... all the things you might chat to a partner about. Don't worry. Like talking to a dog all they hear is 'blah blah blah' but they think you're fascinating

And yes, get out of the house. You don't even have to be deliberately setting out to meet people. I used to find a potter around the block with the pram always ended up with me chatting to someone pruning their roses or something. Again, like dogs, babies attract all kinds who want to stop and talk.

Good luck.

It's really hard isn't it? I might be going against most of the advice here, but I found it was best to take my time. I got really stressed trying to get out and get to places and I sometimes found the best days were ones where I actually did very little other than look after the baby. I felt under lots of pressure to get out and meet people and go to baby groups and it made me feel terrible. I had an awful sinking feeling in the morning if i knew there was something on and I had to try to be there.
For me, the best sort of day was if I had a visitor coming who could give me a hand/bit of company but didn't expect me to "host" them.
After about 10 weeks I found my feet and started getting out and about a bit more.
However, having read lots of messages on here, most people seem to advise getting out at least once a day and going to groups. I think it works for most people, but if you're like me it might not, so don't feel bad if it takes you a while.
And take care of yourself. I had a section and I think Ireally underestimated the impact it had on me.
Congratulations on your new arriival and good luck!

I was terrible when dp went back to work. Was scared and stressed to go anywhere on my own. I think I had pnd to be fair and burst into tears at 6 week check. Dr was fab and I was nurtured through it. Then again I'm one of life's worriers and do get anxious over the daftest of things. I also hated baby and toddler group and forced myself to go. In the end i stopped and ds is now in nursery and doing fine there. Each to their own I spose :)

Talking to the baby is a fab tip!

I had an EMCS and it was hard when my husband went back but my mum and sister came round which was nice. Take your time and get into a nice pattern which suits you. Getting out is nice but don't push yourself too hard, you don't need to do everything right away.

Enjoy the early days when your baby is (hopefully) sleeping lots and try to rest when you can - your body has done something amazing.

Take lots of pictures and videos - your baby won't be tiny for long! Congratulations!

Could I use the word nice more often?

Yes, definitely talk to the baby all the time. It's a hard habit to break though, and even now (DS is 3) I find myself chuntering along all the time providing a background monologue. I get some funny looks on my days in the office!

On my first day alone with DS when DH went back to work, I decided to tackle the thing I was most worried about which was being able to take DS out in the car. We had the Quinny Zapp which the Maxicost car seat attaches to, and I was petrified that I would get somewhere and not be able to set up the wheels or not be able to clip the car seat on properly. So I made myself do it that first day, otherwise I knew it would hang over me and I would avoid going out. And it was hard, and I nearly couldn't do it, but I worked it out in the end.

Other than that, I took it slowly and just did what I felt up to. We did go out somewhere every day though, even if only a drive in the car so DS would sleep and I could listen to the radio in peace for a while and retain some semblance of sanity.

Good luck, you'll be fine :)

DS1 is 8 years now, and I still talk to him all the time

I wasn't worried about DH going back to work (I was doing the actual work, and he was getting stressed!), but I was very nervous about going out. I managed the clinic, and was persuaded to go to an antenatel mums' meetup, but it took me around 6 weeks...

Don't try too much at first, and don't compare yourself to other mums.

I was terrified of DH going back to work. I cried that morning before he left.

But I got through it. So will you :)

Everyone is always terrified! And the first day back will feel like DP has been gone for 20 hours!
There's a balance to be struck depending how you're feeling. In the early days it's perfectly acceptable to get out just to the corner shop or for a little walk round the park. I used to amble up to the library to read the papers or to the local coffee shop, or even just to post a thank you letter. Bf groups if that applies to you. Certainly saying get out every day (which is good advice- it makes you get dressed and see sunlight) doesn't need to mean a long day trekking round lots of shops or going to a million raucous baby groups. Sometimes I used to go to see friends or DH at lunch time but certainly not in the early days! Just take it easy, one step at a time, no rush. Lots of time for hugs, photos, phone calls with old friends, little ambles in the fresh air...

Thank you for the great advice. I am comforted to know that I'm not alone in being scared. I will try and get out and about every day when he is at work. As we live on the top floor with no lift, I can't carry the pram down the stairs for another month, but am getting a baby carrier/sling tomorrow so we can just strap on and go. I figure while my baby is so portable I might as well use a sling. Oh I never realised how vulnerable giving birth would leave me. It must be the hormones!

It does feel really daunting when they first go back to work and leave you alone!

Do you have any "hippy" type baby shops near you? I would try to get a decent sling if you can, one of the baby bjorn type carriers will seem fine for now but will soon become uncomfortable. You really want a wrap sling, ring sling or mei tai or even an SSC geared to newborns. If you want to get a baby bjorn type thing for now, get the cheapest one you can find, and then buy a decent sling online :)

I definitely agree with finding a baby group or two, at least that way I knew I was getting out of the house once a week. And this is the time to text all of your friends who might be lurking waiting desperately for an invitation, not wanting to invite themselves in case it's too soon.

Hiya my DS1 is 17 days and my DP is I'm the forces, he goes back on Sunday and won't be home for 3 weeks!! I'm not so nervous about the days but am really worried about how I'll manage during the nights. at the moment DS1 is waking every 2 hours for feeds and has really bad colic so takes about 45 minutes to get back to sleep. I'm not getting any sleep at all and am totally exhausted. DP is doing the 5am winding and cuddling and sometimes the 6.30/7am one. I am ok with the earlier ones but by 5am I actually can't manage at all, really can't imagine being on my own 24/7 & staying sane!

You would be surprised how many people feel the same OP and you don't sound silly at all.

I had really bad baby blues around two weeks after DS was born and DH was due to go back to work. He actually took another week off on annual leave, by the end of which time the whole world looked much rosier and i was looking forward to getting out and about on my own. It gave me a lot of confidence, once i felt ready, but i will be forever grateful to my DH for realising i wasn't mentally ready to be left to it after 2 weeks. Looking back now, i was a completely different person because of hormones and coming to terms with being a new mum.

It's still tough, even when you are ready, particularly if you have a very 'hands on' DP who has been helping with all the housework etc. But you do find a 'rhythm' pretty quickly ime. The trick is to get out and about as much as possible and don't be a slave to 'routine' or you will become confined to the house which can be very isolating.

Hope all goes well.
x

I made sure to get out for a walk every day at 2pm. That gave me all morning to wash/dress/feed/wind/change etc!! I didn't go anywhere special just wandered with baba but the walking boosted my confidence as I felt fitter doing it (I used to run 5k daily before baby!) I dont know any mums with babies in my area and I don't drive so I'm on my own but make the most of it at the park etc..it's ok to be scared and not have any motivation but if anything,baby needs fresh air and confidence too! Do what you can! I had an awful 6 week blip where I felt like a crap mother but then baba smiled his first smile at me and I was out of the blues pretty quickly!! Good luck!! X