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Original poster

Siblings bickering all the time - could really use advice

20 replies

Callmemadam · 12/02/2006 20:28

ds2 (12) and DD1 (nearly 11) bicker ALL the time when in each others company, and it is beginning to set the whole house by the ears! He is completely intolerant of her, and she is very self centered when around him They are very close in age and hormones are also beginning to feature. So many doors were shut tonight, TV remotes chucked and tears shed that dh blew up and we have all gone to bed! Does anyone have experience of this age or strategies they'd like to share? I have tried a variety of ideas from reasoning to time out and straight punishment of both but nothing is working ATM. Help!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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joanna4 · 12/02/2006 21:04

You could try brat camp lol only joking! Try talking to them when you are calm and seperate from each other too-mine are 9 and 11 and I am same they are doing my head in. I too would be keen to hear others especially as the holidays are coming up I work in school so no escape for me if I am home they are home!

edam · 12/02/2006 21:08

Um, based on my own memories of growing up, I think siblings who are close in age are just like this. My sister and I were! Only consolation is we are very close as adults. So only about a decade to go before they make friends then...

longwaytogo · 12/02/2006 21:09

my 2 dd's are driving us mad too - must be something in the air. They can't speak cival to each other at all, always bickering they are doing our heads in. My dh also flipped at them earlier. Ended up going out with 3 other children yesterday morning and leaving dd2 in the house while her dad tidied the garage but I doubt its changed a thing tbh.

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longwaytogo · 12/02/2006 21:10

they are nearly 11 and 13 1/2 btw

longwaytogo · 12/02/2006 21:10

they are nearly 12and 13 1/2 btw

longwaytogo · 12/02/2006 21:10

must be nearly bed time me thinks

longwaytogo · 12/02/2006 21:11

they are nearly 12and 13 1/2 btw

snailspace · 12/02/2006 22:01

Message withdrawn

longwaytogo · 13/02/2006 08:50

It is most of the time, but they do have times when they get along ok ish i guess, maybe it just seems all the time.

snailspace · 13/02/2006 10:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Callmemadam · 13/02/2006 16:02

Yes it is all the time atm, and I have tried talking to them together and apart, and I get lots of understanding and then straight back to square 1 again. Henry today "why can't she be tolerant of my intolerance"!!! I like your idea snailspace so i'm going to try that this evening

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mszebra · 13/02/2006 18:47

There is a book called something like "Siblings Without Rivalry". Naff title, but I think it has a lot of brililant advice. Look for it on Amazon?

spots · 13/02/2006 19:16

I don't feel all that qualified to offer advice as my DD is only a toddler... but it does strike me that the age they are is an age where they can really learn quite useful things about conflict resolution. If you were able to help them move forward in their battles so that they not only know that they are doing everybody's heads in, but also had the means at their disposal to diffuse the suituation should they want to, you would be able to take a bigger step back from their fighting and let them do a bit of growing up through it all. I mean, do they know how to sort out their differences? Can they take a deep breath in the thick of it and change tack so as to be responsible for the situation and maybe even proud of themselves at the end of it? Solving disputes doesn't come naturally to anyone but you would be equipping then with something fantastic if there was some way of helping them do a better job of their arguing!

There is a technique called 'non violent communication' (NVC) which I have heard a lot of good things about. I'm sure some of its principles could be understood and employed by a 12 and an 11 year old. Try googling NVC?

zippitippitoes · 13/02/2006 19:26

I think it is in some respects an expression of love and confidence..they can argue with each other rather than friends ie non threatening rivalry

I have dds 22 and nearly 21 and ds nearly 18 so have had some years of it..

I don't know if it helps but we had from a young age making up with each other after an argumenyt by your guys age the kiss and cuddle routine almost made them make friends as they could gang up on me for impiosing it.

I did have the well if neither of you can do x be in x room have x on without a fight then no one will

I didn't see wqho started it so i'll assume you are bot h equally to balme and so you either say sorry or you both get the rap

basically I think it ended up with them joining forces to counteract mum which sort of worked

however with three we had pasing the metaphoric baton which meant there was always one who was bad for some reason at any time

PeachyClair · 13/02/2006 19:46

Had a discussion about this a few years ago with Christopher Green, author of toddler training, basically what he said was yep it happens! he was right.

have they got their own space? I send mine into theirs when I catch the first whiff of a row. I also try and keep their identities totally separate: by which I mean different hobbies etc. but that's probably more important with 3 small boys then a girl and a boy.

Not sure there's much you can do remembering me and my sister's (although we missed each other when apart if that's a helpful hint...) but I try each bedtime to do a round of 'Thank you X for...' with X being each member of family in turn, and the thank you being relevant to that day, even if it's just 'bufggering off and letting me be'

mszebra · 13/02/2006 20:48

That siblings without rivalry book really does provide a lot of practical advice about reducing this rivalry & more importantly how to help parents live with it.

I tell my kids all the time "Sort out this problem yourselves!" nowadays, and they do. It's wonderful. I only learnt how to do that effectively from that book.

Original poster

Callmemadam · 13/02/2006 23:35

I think I'm going to get the book and see if it helps. The problem is that they are chalk and cheese. They both have their own space, interests etc, but ds is very very quick-tempered, very sharp, very focused, and dd is much gentler and more sensitive and not as quick, but can also be very self-centered. He needles her and then she screams at him. I do try Zippi's approach of dealing with both, but that ends atm with ds in tears saying that he hates it when there's arguing and its all his sister's fault !, and inconsolable, and dd slamming doors and going to sit in a cupboard for hours saying that we all hate her, her life is terrible, and she must be adopted. That's normally when I feel like sitting in a cupboard too!

OP posts:

quofan · 14/02/2006 10:54

callmemadam
Sorry i cannot offer any advice, but i can sympathise with you. dd1 is9 and ds1 is 8 and the are at each others throats from morn till night. it drives me insane, especially with a difficult ds2 to contend with!! I will watch this thread with interest!!

shrub · 14/02/2006 11:19

siblings without rivalry website and siblings without rivalry book
its a bit like learning a new language, you have to really concentrate at first, but when you do it can be real life changing stuff. i would have to say this book is the best book i've read on parenting. i can't recommend it highly enough!

christie1 · 15/02/2006 16:57

It is the closeness in age. My sister and I squabbled constantly at 11 months apart. When mine get on each others nerves I tell them they are absolutely NOT allowed to play, talk or look at each other for the next hour. It drives them crazy and within a short period of time they are playing nicely.

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