Night time separation anxiety

[Londonmum10]

I am looking for some advice on night time separation anxiety. My DS is 11 months old and although has never been a fantastic sleeper, was usually fairly easy to get to sleep at night. Even if he woke, he used to be fairly easy to re-settle. However, for the last week or two, he has been very difficult to get to sleep and has been waking in the night screaming like he has never done before. I am pretty sure it is night time separation anxiety, even though he doesn't seem to have this issue during the day. I am breastfeeding so he usually falls asleep nursing before he goes to sleep but tends to wake and start screaming either the second I put him down in his cot or shortly afterwards. I do not want to use the 'cry it out' method so I am looking for some tips on how to deal with this without letting him cry himself to sleep. The last couple of nights I have tried lying down on the floor next to his cot and this seems to work because he goes to sleep after about 20 minutes and I then creep out. I don't think this is a good habit to get into though! Any advice??

You are right it is that.My dd had it around the same age all the things you described.
I read up about it and did this.
Played lots of peek a boo and hiding games in the day.
At night stuck to the same routines but when she screamed always went to her promptly and picked her up and gave her a long cuddle (5-10mins) Then i lay her down talking soothingly and left. I returned very frequently,almost immediately and lay her down saying its ok baby Mummys here,rubbed her back and left again.I did try the sitting in the room but she got more distressed.
I figured that if she was anxious about me leaving then i would respond to it instinctively hence not leaving her to cry.
It worked after about 3 nights.

Thanks...good to know someone else has been through the same thing! The problem I am having is that my ds screams the second I put him back into his cot so I don't know whether to leave the room and then immediately come back in or just to pick him back up again. Did your dd wait a while before she screamed after your put her down again??

No she screamed as soon as she realised she was being led down so i kind of hardly left and just led her down,it waqsnt easy and im not sure if it was the right thing to do.Dh lay on the floor once but she just screamed as if he wasnt there at all.
I say by the cot once and she leaned out and put her head on mine it was so sad.
I thought cc would be cruel and confirm her fears.
I shared it a bit with dh or it is tedious and stressfull.I think the trick is to cuddle them untill they are nice and sleepy before utting them down.
It definately passes though.

ok thanks...will try that! Hope it passes soon because I am exhausted....

yes its horrible although i found it easier to deal with than some of her previous antics as it was so sad.Her cries were as if she was terrified.

Don't have any advice but want to let you know my DD is the same. She is 13mo. She gets very distressed even if we sit with her in the room. I have tried reassuring her verbally and with patting, but she will just cry until she is sick.

We just opted to cosleep and hope its a phase. She can self settle if she lies next to us.

You are not alone in struggling with this.

It's horrid isn't it!!! Does your DC have a transitional object /comforter? If they have become attached to you it is a good idea to introduce something to your child (muslin cloth/teddy) that you can encourage attachment to..... This may help them settle away from you especially if the item has been carried by you and therefore has your smell and child associates it with you.

My DS is 1 in a few days and we have just been dealing with this too. I made a huge mistake of moving him into my bed which meant getting him out of that habit has been a nightmare. He now has a fleece blanket that I 'forced' him to attach too and he sleeps happily in his cot again now and if he does wake I just help him find his fleece and he drops back off.

Oh im just getting this, I have been letting him sleep with me but we want to stop it on a regular basis as no one gets proper sleep. He wakes up crying but he stops crying the second one of us goes into his bedroom. We went up last night every 10 mins and rubbed his back but when he dropped off he was making sad little noises in his sleep. I felt really cruel.

I dont mind having him in with me but hes a dreadful wriggler and he just doesnt sleep properly with me, the tempation to wake up and pull my hair is too much, so Im worried that he isnt getting enough sleep and if Ive work the next day im like a Zombie.

Hi all, my 10.5 mo ds seems to be suffering from this too I think. He has recently been poorl and only just getting over it, but he is very clingy and screams whenever we get near the cot - even if he's fallen asleep on me already. He used to self settle brilliantly for night and naps, and was sleeping through for about a month. needless to say he doesn't anymore!

He screams and screams When I put him down and doesn't really stop even once I've picked him up, until I've rocked him to sleep. It's so sad. He seems ok during the day though, not too clingy most of the time.

Does this sound like separation anxiety too? I am so exhausted... And I think cc is too harsh when they are fearful like this. I'd like to try your tactic ledkr but my ds will not be soothed in his cot whatsoever - infancy he screams more when he sees me come in until I pick him up!

Am watching for advice as my 8m DS does this too.

He has been a lot better since we didnt let him come in the bed for a night or two. Might be coincidence but he may be settling himself down again, fingers crossed!

Our son, now just 2,sleeps better if we leave the radio on v low outside his bedroom door so that he has some background noise (and that way we don't hear it over the monitor). We did have to go through lots of pain to get him to learn to self settle.... He still isn't great, but much better than he was... We also tell him each night as we put him to bed that mummy and daddy will look after him all night. Sounds silly but it does help.

Our son, now just 2,sleeps better if we leave the radio on v low outside his bedroom door so that he has some background noise (and that way we don't hear it over the monitor). We did have to go through lots of pain to get him to learn to self settle.... He still isn't great, but much better than he was... We also tell him each night as we put him to bed that mummy and daddy will look after him all night. Sounds silly but it does help.

Pickles, have done same thing and unless he is sick DS does not come out of room till at least 5.30 (then comes into our bed so I can squeeze some more sleep out of him.
It has been bloody awful sometimes having him scream even when held, rocked, shhhd etc, his record is 3 hours but I think he knows we mean business now although he can get so worked up it is hard to calm him down. We have now had 2/3 better nights with only 2 wakings so stick with it.

Thanks candr since I comforted him in his own room that one time he hasnt woken up upset since. We find him hard to calm down if he gets really upset which is why Ive been scared to leave him in his cot, vicious circle!

i'm currently sitting listening to my 15month DS crying his heart out while DH tries to get him to sleep. it's making me cry too.

My DS used to be a great sleeper and go to bed/sleep really easily till he was about 11months. Then he started getting very clingy to me and getting serious separation anxiety, and at that time started having trouble settling himself to sleep. As soon as I made a move towards the door he would immediately stand up in his cot and start crying. If I came back he would soon stop crying and just sit looking at me with tears running down his face. I didn't want to try CC as it felt too harsh when he sounded so distraught and upset, even though my DH was in favour.

So I ended up nursing him till sleepy (still BF) then putting him to bed and stroking his head and back till he fell asleep, while getting a very sore back. Meanwhile I was going through books and websites trying to find suggestions and eventually found a really helpful thread on MN started by Nectarina on 29 Jan 2012, entitled "what worked for us. Hope it helps". I don't know how to link to it but someone else might be able to. It suggests staying with the DC but allowing it to settle itself to sleep, so not rocking to sleep, or nursing or cuddling, not picking it up, but comforting by talking or patting if DC gets very upset, until calmed, then sitting down and just doing your own thing. I really highly recommend you try and find this thread and see if you can follow it as it helped me.

There was some progress, and DS did start falling asleep within 20-30 minutes most nights, with me just sitting in his room, playing on my phone, talking to him if he started crying or patting him, then moving away again. So all was going well until a few weeks ago when he was ill with a vomiting bug and teething, and he is now taking over an hour to fall asleep which is really tiring and I'm struggling. Hence why DH is now taking a turn, but despite me asking him to stay in the room with DS, DH insists on trying to leave the room hence the crying I'm listening to, then goes back in after a few minutes if he hasn't stopped. Which to be honest I find so against what I believe in that I'd rather do it myself if I wasn't getting so tired of being stuck in DS's room all evening. So now not sure what to do other than keep trying with what I'm doing and hope it gets better as DS is starting to get less clingy during the day. Sorry - not such a positive outcome for us at the moment but I have had some improvement till illness struck.

Catyloop, I have read that too and tried it, some nights it works but he generally clings to the bars and tries to reach for me so I think it upsets him more if I just sit there. Have tried sitting next to cot, away from cot, out of view, go in to calm and leave again. I am trying hard to get him to settle himself but DH always still rocks him to sleep as it is easier (doesn't help me when I try to get him to settle to sleep at 3am and have no strength to rock him for 45 min)
I guess I hope DS will learn my way with me and DH way with him. Have just put music in his room to help with naps but don't want to use it at night as worry he will rely on it and not be able to self settle without it.

Thanks all for your tips..I have been lying down next to the cot when I put my DS down and it seems to calm him down! Now need to try and slowly move towards the door.......