[sigh] Year 3 girls friendship issue

[Namechange2000]

Namechanging regular here.

So my rather quiet and unassertive DD had isshoos in year 2 with this classmate, "Jane", who is a domineering child (the year 2 teacher actually described her as this to me). All eventually sorted after I had several words with their teacher as did at least two other parents of other girls having problems with her. I left it to be a school problem to be sorted by school and never said anything to Jane's parents which would have been v awkward anyway as we live nearby and DS is friends with Jane's brother.

Year 2 water under bridge now and in year 3 DD and Jane haven't had much to do with each other but no problems either. Then in last couple of days Jane has been calling for DD which is a new thing, her playing out boundaries must have been extended. DD not that bothered about playing out with her but won't say no to her face if she is on doorstep.

On Friday Jane ended up in our house and they were going though DD's wardrobe, then Jane asked if she could borrow a DD's party dress to wear to a party. I said no as DD might want to wear it then. Afterwards DD said she hadn't wanted to lend it but didn't want to say no to Jane's face. Jane called for DD again yesterday and ended up in house again.

This morning DD couldn't find a particular top she wanted to wear. We turned her wardobe upside down but it wasn't there and not in wash. DD says she thinks Jane has taken it as was admiring it and says she has form (me paraphrasing obv) for "borrowing" items from friends and then not returning them and hiding them so her mum can't find them to return them. DD has actually told me about this kind of "borrowing" by Jane from other people in the past but I dismissed as 8 yo girl tittle tattle.

So I'm finding it unlikely that Jane had the brass neck to stuff an article of clothing up her fleece or whatever and cycle off home and the dress may well turn up but I'm feeling uneasy generally about this girl being back on the scene and wondering how best to advise DD to deal with her?

When you answer the door, I would tell Jane that your DD isn't home or something like that. I had a friend in primary school who when she came round to play, went to my room and asked if she could have my things. If I said no, she made me feel like I was an ogre and I ended up being pressured into giving her things which were mine!

Yes, I will do that if I can, because of the previous issues, I'm not as inclined to give Jane the benefit of the doubt!

Update, Jane phoned up to see if DD was playing out, I said no and told DD I had said that and she was fine and not bothered. The 10 minutes later Jane, completely ignoring phone conversation, turns up at door with another friend in tow and DD does want to go out because of the other friend, so I had to make a show of saying "oh, have you changed your mind DD?" [annoyance at girl friendship issue emoticon]. Decided I am not letting Jane in to play in the house unless/until the missing top turns up!

Could you ask Jane if she saw the top when they were 'dressing up'? She probably took it home and told her Mum your DD had given it to her (I had a friend who used to do that!).

Maybe I could say that to Jane if I got the tone right without it sounding like a theft accusation? Then if she had taken it she would at least know I was onto her, if not, no harm done. If she has taken it, I assume she has hidden it as DD says she does with the stuff, surely her mother wouldn't have accepted without question that DD had given her a nice, fairly new Next top?

Forget the top, just discourage her from hanging around.

I am trying to be discouraging, without being plain rude. But its difficult as DS goes out to play with her brother (who I have no problem with) a lot so she knows when we are home/not having tea or whatever which makes the excuse making more difficult...