How do I help LO with her separation anxiety?

[TheNewShmoo]

How do I help LO deal with her separation anxiety? LO is 10 months old, she's fine on her own at home but gets very clingy around new people, especially when we're out and about and I usually end up putting her in the sling. I have tended towards an attachment parenting type style, after having read Gerhardt's "Why Love Matters (How Love Affects the Brain)", and Sunderland's "What Every Parent Should Know"- both books which draw upon a huge body of research on the benefits of being a responsive parent, nurturing close bonds with your children and the negative effects of cortisol on brain development from crying-it-out methods.

I can't help but feel though that this style has led her to become more clingy, as she has never been without me and I never leave her alone so she does not know anything else. I play lots of peekaboo games with her to try and teach her that I will return if I am out of sight, and have started leaving her with my mother-in-law for progressively longer bouts of time (I'm talking 20 mins to 40 mins!) Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her through this stage? I do not want to resort to extreme tactics and break the trust and attachment that we have worked so hard to establish. But I do understand that she needs to learn that she is safe when I am not around.

Keep on with leaving her with MIL and others for short periods of time and keep extending it until you can go away for an hour or two at a time. Deliberately seek the company of others and allow her to be with them, even if she doesn't like it at first. Build up the reassurance that when you go away you come back again. Build up her confidence in other people. It won't break her trust or attachment

Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution has lots of gentle tips.

I don't think attachment parenting makes children clingy - lots of people who 'do' AP with multiple children have some who are clingy and some who aren't.

Time is the best remedy. FWIW, it doesn't sound too awful - from 7 months, DS wouldn't let anyone talk to him even if I was holding him, and would scream any time anyone (even close family) came anywhere near him for at least 6 months. He improved enough that by 18 months we left him for the first time (with grandmothers - for 30 mins at a time).

Now he's 2.3 and much more confident with other people, although we've never tried leaving him for longer than half an hour, and he wouldn't accept being left with anyone other than his grandmothers. Thankfully he's always been happy with DH, which has been a relief, and I'm a SAHM so we've not had to deal with childcare.

We didn't do anything much - just kept on reassuring him; didn't try to leave him anywhere on his own and kept on giving him opportunities to be around other people whilst we held him.

I don't think AP necessarily means a clingy child either, it just depends on your LO. I'm more of an AP than anything and whenever DS has seemed to need to be near me and have cuddles, i've given them freely. He's now one of the most confident little boys i know.

I did things like talk to him whenever i wasn't in the room so he knew i 'existed' even if i couldn't be seen. I've always ensured that goodbyes are short and sweet and never given him the idea that i'm sad about: "Bye bye DS. Mummy will be back soon, love you lots," quick kiss and out of the door. And when he's gone through these periods i've given him lots of kisses and cuddles, but also ensured i've had some time out by leaving him for short periods with other people.

I wanted to recommend The No Cry Seperation Anxiety Solution too!

And give it time. My dd cried if i went to the other side of the room, and had to come everywhere with me like a little limpet between 6 and 9 months. At 10 months she seemed to settle down and happily spends whole days with dp and mil while I work. I didn't change anything in my behaviour, something just seemed to click for her.

I agree with the others, it's just a phase. It's not because you respond to her and cuddle her that she is anxious, it's how their brains are supposed to function at this age. If anything, lack of separation anxiety is a bad sign.

Just continue to cuddle her, and reassure her, and if she starts crying when you leave the room talk to her so she can hear your voice and keep your voice even, so she doesn't pick up on your own anxiety/frustration. Leaving her with your MIL is also good, how is she after you leave? If she is easily distracted then try to increase the time you leave her. She will quickly understand that you always come back.

Thanks for all your posts guys, v reassuring to hear. Am going to make a point of letting her hang out with MIL regularly. TBH I find it difficult not being near her and don't trust that anyone else can make her happy like I do :0 (DH is a close second) so it's something we're both going to have to learn to do.

tootired she seems fine when I go as I kind of just sneak off whilst she's being entertained, so it's almost like she doesn't realise. Around 30 mins seems to be the cut-off, probably when she realises that I haven't been around?

Angeldog actually LO went through a brief phase of screaming when even close family came near, but overcame that easily enough so am hopeful this phase is just that too.

I don't regret doing AP, can't imagine doing it any other way really. Am yet to see that it will help her grow into a self-assured and independent being but believe it will help massively.

I have read that to help with separation anxiety you shouldn't sneak off when baby is distracted, this is worse for them. You should do as another poster said and have a confident short & sweet goodbye every time.

Hi, I don't think you will have made her more clingy, it's just that kids who get left more are more used to it so they have stopped displaying overt signals because they have learnt that it does not bring mum back.

I hardly ever left DS2, he had been ill when tiny and it took a year for me to leave him ever, with anyone. He was similarly 'mum mum mum' at the age you describe. Then when he was 18 months or so I got some work I really wanted to do and so wanted to leave him with my mum. He was absolutely fine, because he was a bit older and could understand. He's very happy with all sorts of people now, except when ill.

Just to say, that reads as though he was actually saying 'mum mum mum' but he wasn't, he was just screaming/crying!

OP, try not to worry. DS is now 2 years 2 months and starting to outgrow this.

When he was the same age as your DD I was scratching my head with confusion and by the time he was 18 months I was tearing my hair out with it all! But I have to admit he's doing much better now.

Don't beat yourself up about doing AP, if that works for you and your DD then keep at it, it is wonderful.

Good that you can leave her for short periods with MIL, that will be good for their bond and her clinginess.

Try to not worry, it really is a phase... can be a long phase, but nevertheless just a phase.

I was thinking of posting a similar thread as my 10mo DD is very clingy to me and I'm not really sure how to handle it best. I know that it's a phase and will eventually pass, but that doesn't help me deal with it right now!

Doesn't help that family are a distance away and don't see her that often. So when they turn up expecting cuddles, it is sad to see her trying so hard to escape and get back to me :( and I don't have many people I can leave her with to help build her trust with others.

I have found that generally she is better with others if she can't see me and if they are trying to entertain her, e.g. With toys she likes, so I often hand her over and leave the room. I also do the short sweet goodbye, but I think just waiting it out is the answer.

wandering, it's hard on family, isn't it? My DS wouldn't even sit on my dad's lap between the ages of 6 months and about 20 months. My dad loves babies and was very :(.

We never pressured DS to talk to / be held by anyone he didn't want to, which meant that none of the family got cuddles with him for over 9 months. We took the view that until DS is old enough to say no thank you for himself, we needed to say it for him.

We've never had the opportunity to leave him with people for increasing amounts of time to build up his trust - mainly because he went from flat refusal to go with anyone other than DH or me, to being happy to stay with grandmothers (at 18 months for the first time). So it does get better even if you don't do anything.

10 months is particularly difficult because they're working on the 46 week developmental leap - it should calm down a bit after that.

DS is 8mo and the clingiest baby that ever lived. He will look at other people from the safety of my arms but if they venture too near he panics. He's getting marginally better now he's able to move around himself, so he can follow me or move away from me through choice which makes a huge difference. It improves in tiny increments and while I've been shocked by just how clingy ds is, my instincts tell me that my job is to show and teach him how to be secure, not to force the issue before he's ready.

I am about as AP as they come tbh. DD lived in a sling until she could walk. I cosleep, bf to demand until they self wean etc and dd is the sunniest, most independent girl in her class. When she was ready to go to other people she did. And we've never had a moment of trouble with going to preschool or school or overnight stays with grandparents in preparation for her brother arriving. Her AP upbringing didn't hinder her independence, it encouraged it. Personality plays a part too but she's extremely secure.

It's frustrating not to be able to have a wee or a bath or cook in peace. This morning in fact, ds sat in his bumbo on the draining board, bashing wooden spoons on a saucepan while I washed up. He thought it was hilarious and it was unconventional but it's better than him crying to be held from a greater distance.

showofhands lovely image of your DS sitting on the sink drainer! Digression from original issue, but can I ask how old your DD is and if you still cosleep? I enjoy AP but do wonder how DD will stop breast feeding/cosleeping etc if it's all she knows. I also wonder how I'll get pregnant by the end of the year if I'm still bfing! But that's a separate thread...

AngelDog and wondering, I find I'm always apologising on DD's behalf if she won't go to close family, I end up feeling so sorry for them because all they want to do is cuddle and love her. But as you say AngelDog, it's only right I speak up for DD too if she is not ready to go to them. Thanks for the link, good read.

This week am going to say a short and sweet goodbye to DD when I leave her with MIL, and do the non-in-arms transfer from the Pantley book...

We learnt the hard way that having DS scream and trying to wriggle away while being held by someone else was distressing for him & us, which is why we started being more assertive on his behalf.

We tried to be matter-of-fact about it so we didn't make DS feel that he should to go to people even if he didn't want to. We'd say something like, "Sorry, DS would rather not have a cuddle with anyone else at the moment."

Being assertive in this has actually helped his relationship with family members, and so been good for them as well as him. My dad loves babies and has always been 'on' at DS: "Will you give me a cuddle? Come on, give me a smile?" If he sits on my mum's lap he says, "Come on, won't you sit on my lap too?" As a result DS is very wary of him and even now gets on considerably less well with him than with any of the other grandparents, who've taken a more 'leave him alone and he'll come when he's ready' approach.

By comparison, my FIL isn't that interested in small children and is slightly nervous around them. He's made little attempt to really engage with DS - but DS is much happier with him than with my dad - I think because my dad keeps putting pressure on DS to give him cuddles and play with him, even when it's clear DS isn't keen.

That's interesting... That's EXACTLY what my Dad does with DD, always trying to coax and cajole her into giving him a cuddle, until she starts full blown crying, which obviously is not going to help either of them in the long run. My in-laws by comparison are a lot more hands off and let her come round to them in her own time. Each time it would take an initial 15-20 mins for DD to warm up, but I have to say the last few times she has shocked us by not needing the warm up time at all. Definitely something to be said about giving them the time and space they need to come round.

You've done nothing wrong. Separation anxiety is entirely normal at this age. It is much more worrying when a child doesn't care whether its mum is there or not.