Would you leave a baby with grandparents for a week at 9m

[ThePippy]

Sorry for rambling post....

I have a 5m DS and 2.7y DD and have been really struggling since DS was born. Probably borderline PND if I am honest but certainly have found every day seems like a year, and struggle to enjoy anything or get past the constant anxiety I feel. (I was the same with DD tbh but it improved hugely when I went back to work and once she was nearer 9m-1y)

My MIL was visiting at the weekend (we have no family locally) and asked me if we were planning a holiday this year, and I told her that DH was wanting to hire a cottage for a week in September (DS would be 9m and DD 3y) but that I was currently feeling that I would be unlikely to feel like it was a holiday at the moment. This is partly due to how I feel generally, but also down to the fact DS just can't sleep properly when we are out and about, but gets massively grumpy when overtired and starts screaming, so I know that our days would be constrained to stop him having meltdowns. I doubt he will improve - DD was exactly the same and never did - life is so much easier now she doesn't need a daytime nap (I have to be the only parent who looked forward to the day there were no daytime naps, as they made me feel tied to the house)

Anyway, MIL suggested that we bring DS to stay with her for the week then go off with DD and have a proper unconstrained holiday that we would all enjoy. So I am having a huge dilema, as while I LOVE this idea on the face of it, I also start to feel guilty about DS and also think it might be too young to leave a baby for a week. He has spent time with MIL on several occasions when she has come to give me a break for a few days at a time, although I was still in the house and she was just helping rather than him being on his own with her.

What do you think? What would you do?

Honestly, I think you need to get some help for you PND. I had it and ADs and counselling changed my life. Things won't feel so daunting and unmanageable then.

How about taking MIL with you on holiday and then she could babysit/take ds off/give you and dh some childfree time, but you'd all have some time together.

Getting some help with the anxiety and PND would be good too - it sounds like you are really struggling

I agree that the overwhelming thing you must sort out is to address the PND. DOn't let it continue, help is out there if you ask for it. I needed ADs and a course of CBT after I finally admitted I had PND and anxiety when my son was over a year old. I wish I'd got help much sooner.
As for the holiday, it might not even be an issue by then. But, I would, and have, left a 9 month old for a week. My dd went to stay with her grandparents at that age when I had to move to a new flat that needed completely redecorating. I had noone else I could ask. These grandparents live the other end of the country and I agonised over doing it, I cried on the train home and for a good part fo the week too. But she was fine, and they are all now so close despite the distance, and I do think that's in part because of the early time they spent together. Your ds would likely be fine if you had to leave him there for a week. But unless you get the help that you need, a break would do no real good as you'd probably spend all week dreading going back. I know if I'd had a break from my ds when I was really in the thick of PND then that's how I'd have felt.

poor you, you sound like you are having a really tough time,

september is a long time away and a lot can change in the sense of sleeping patterns,

if you love the idea(which you don't need to commit to now by the way), it sounds like a great idea, there is no reason to feel guilty about it, you would be leaving your baby with the woman that successfully raised the man you love, so well qualified to look after a nine month old, it's only a western thing to not hand over babies to other family members, they will both get a lot out of it,

your children won't suffer, they deserve a well rested happy mummy, so anything that can help is wonderful,

is there anyway you can have some time out before then, you sound like you need a chance to recharge, it can be a vicious circle, sometimes just little breaks can really help you get your equilibrium back

it's very common to feel like this and sounds like you are not sticking your head in the sand about how you feel,

and the slow time thing, I promise you, one day soon this will all feel like a very long time ago and you will wonder where the time went, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better, and you will look back at this and wonder how you felt like this, grasp any help offered, tell your intuitive MiL yes please, any help would be wonderful, and don't you dare feel guilty.

and keep talking about it, as it stops build up.

I agree with the other posters that it sounds as if you could benefit from talking to someone about your PND, but as well as that you do sound as if you are having a rough time at the moment

I think that it would be perfectly fine for DS to spend a week with your MiL - if you feel comfortable with it. Your DD may enjoy the time spent with your and your DH, your MiL gets to bond with your DS in a way she may have done with DD as well, and you may get a break. But only if you think you won't spend the week feeling awful that you have left your DS. Like others have said, could you maybe change the holiday so that your MiL comes with you and takes care of DS some of the time?

But in terms of DS's age etc I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Our DD is 3mo but we are already planning for her to start spending the odd night or two with my parents.

Exactly what Bella said.

No , I wouldn't go and leave the baby .
However ... You sound as if you need some help , and would agree with the suggestion that you take MIL with you if she will baby sit / child mind so you can have a break .

I wouldn't leave a 9 month old baby for a week.

I agree that the suggestion to bring MIL is a good one.

Would that work?

Sorry you are finding it all so tough.

I think that is really much too young to leave for longer than a couple of hours tbh. But having your in-laws with you sounds a great idea. then maybe you could do some small things with your DH that would allow a breather.

helly, why is it to young to leave for more than a few hours? 9 months is about the age a lot of mums will go back to work and their baby will be in childcare. My DD is going to childminder at 9 months, and I feel that learning from a young age to spend time with other people will help her to cope better when she is left with the childminder. Also I hope it encourages her to feel comfortable spending time with her grandparents, aunts and uncles so that she can have fun, bonding time with them as she grows up.

Why don't you try leaving them with her for a weekend first- nice break for you (sounds like you need it) and you can see how the kids are. If it goes well maybe try a few more weekends before the week so the kids are comfortable otherwise you'll just be worrying.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with leaving them with grandparents so long as the kids are comfortable with them and you are comfortable with it! Don't feel bad for needing a break! It's not like you are abandoning them and they won't be scarred for life because you left them with grandparent for a few days!

I think a week is too long to leave a baby. I read something linked to from a thread a while ago about babies starting to grieve when seperated from their parents for too long.

I think you should seek help for your pnd. And the baby may be sleeping better by then anyway.

I hope things get better for you soon.

No, at 17 mo i miss him terribly when i leave him for just one night - and that's not me being over-possessive (he spends lots of time with other people and i've left him for evenings and overnight stops, though i can't wait to collect him the following day). But that's me and i've been fortunate enough not to have suffered from PND. Maybe you could do with a break, but agree you need help for the PND above all else and you may then find that it's the PND talking rather than you 'choosing' not to spend the week with your baby, iyswim?

Yes, I would leave my 9 m old for a week if they were with someone that I trusted to take care of her as I wanted, and some one that they know well.

How about, between now and then, letting your baby spend abit more time than usual with your mil, just to see how they get on on their own?

Btw I left my 6 m old with my mil for 5 days while I took dd 1 away, had a great time, and while I missed the baby loads, she was none the worse for me not being here

Thanks for all the responses. Its nice to know that some people maybe think its not the end of the world for him to stay with his very loving grandparents for a week. I understand why those of you who wouldn't do this have that view too, and I am not suggesting for a minute that I would be doing it for the sole purpose of not seeing him for a week (I know I will miss him), it is more the factor of him making the holiday very constrained which will be tough with a very active 3yr old who gets bored if kept indoors too much, as I'm sure do most children.

I have considered the idea of asking MIL to come with us, it was my first thought in fact, but I think she might struggle to persuade her husband (who is just a step FIL) to want to come as he is a bit of a home bird and pretty stubborn, so I think her offer was intentionally the way it was, although I will maybe suggest that to her. She has been to stay with us (without him) a couple of times already for a week at a time to give me support, so I know he has missed her being around for those weeks and don't want to cause problems between them.

With regards the PND you are all right and I will go and see my doctor. I have been resisting admitting it to myself really, as I felt similar with DD when she was a young baby but had more support from DH at the time (he had been made redundant so was home job searching) so I think that made it all a bit easier and kept me going until I started back at work which ended up being F/T at 6 months (we had no money coming in and I had no choice). The low moods improved very quickly after returning to work and I think I finally "fell in love" with my daughter and now it make my heart burst how much I love her, so I do know it passes and gets better. This time with DS is different as DH is working again, but I will still be back F/T by 9m and I think that will be by saving grace so I have tried to just get by on gritted teeth until then, but I admit it is getting harder to see positives on any day at the moment so probably I shouldn't just let it go by. I totally know this gets better, and I also know that it is mostly down to me truely hating the young baby phase (it completely escapes me how anyone could enjoy it) as I find it overwhelmingly stressful, but I love the 1yr upwards bit.

Thanks again for all the responses though and I will definitely seek help. Already admitted to DH this morning how I was truely feeling so thats a start.

I know you've had a lot of answers but if it helps I used to send my baby DS to stay with my mum for 5 days at a time a couple of times a year. We lived in London and Granny lived a few hours away. i was working full time and it gave me a bit of a break and gave Ds and his adoring (and adored) Granny some quality time together. It always worked well for us - I did miss him but 15(!) years later he's a happy and confident teenager who appears to love his mum and does not seem scarred for life because i let him stay for a few days with someone who cared for him as munch as I and dh did!

much not munch

I second taking your MIL with you if at all possible, 5 days is so long in baby terms. You obviously have a little voice saying it might not be the right thing to do so I would go with that instinct- leaving yr baby may make you feel worse and compound your PND. A bit if help may help you enjoy both your children- and this is a goal that you are striving for. I wouldn't want to leave a child for that long until they could talk and understand the situation, and were old enough to talk on the phone- otherwise how would they know if it would be 1 afternoon or 5 nights I was leaving them for? I do hope you feel better and get to a solution x