Dilemma between child,their friend and parents

[Cookie32]

can anyone give me some ideas how to resolve a problem. Two boys, similar age find a cigarette lighter. They burnt paper and hence the carpet as they dropped the burning paper. One child saying he didn't light anything, one saying they are both to blame. Apart from the initial discipline and further education, what do I do about the burnt carpet? Can I reasonably expect contribution to replace it? Should I stop the children playing with each other? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Many thanks.

I take it that it was the other child saying it was nothing to do with him?

You could bring it up, but the other parent may well respond with "why were they able to find a lighter in the first place"?

If I was the other parent I would be asking where the lighter came from.

I would be asking how my child was able to access a lighter while in your care.

I think it depends on a lot for example:

• the age of the boys,
• who the one saying they are both to blame is, yours or theirs,
• what the supervision situation was at the time as in was the adult in charge in shouting distance
• and did they shout or admit it straight away once they had the opportunity or try to cover it up
• your relationship with the other childs parents
• wether you'd be really grateful for an excuse not to have the other child back in the house

It may be that realistically you can only impose financial or extra chore sanctions on your child, (even if your DC didn't light the paper they should have come after their adult supervisor the minute the lighter was found) but it's your house, you don't have to have this child back in if you don't want, I've done it, the parents may have bigger tantrums than the child though.

If I were the parent of the other child, I'd be livid they had access to a lighter for long enough to set fire to something.

How old are they?

As others have brought it up I asked about the ages of the boys because if they were say 12 or younger (above that age I would expect them to have some sense even if a lighter was in plain view) then I would also want to know how they got access to a lighter. Was it yours or had one of them brought it in?

yes hard to say without more info to be honest

one saying he didn't light anything... but he still stood and watched right?

i would expect a contribution to replace the carpet yes, as it's impossible to say who did or did not do the burning.

DC have found lighters on the ground in the street & secreted away until later, little sods darlings.

Personally I would take it as one of those stupid things kids do & they were both to blame (they both could have prevented it). I would not ask someone ask to contribute to costs. I might well ban them from playing alone for a while.

Ah, I guess if one of them was my child age 10+ I would consider docking their pocket money a leetle bit for their stupidity. More docked if age 12+.

Thanks for all your thoughts. It's a difficult situation to reflect on. The boys are under 10. The lighter was got from somewhere out of bounds. But education is now a priority.