How do you decide when and if to have a second baby?

[emmyloo2]

Hi, I have posted about this before but it weighs heavily on my mind. I have an almost 18 month old son and my DH would like us to start trying for a second sometime towards the end of this year.

The problem is, I am only just finding myself enjoying my DS now as I found the whole baby thing very stressful and very difficult. It is only now that we are starting to get a little bit of our life back and I am finding the anxiety is slowly going away. I really don't know if I can bear doing it all again.

However, I really would like a sibling for my DS and I would like another child. So how do I gear myself up to do it all again? It was like the year from hell for me and while I could probably do it again with just one, how on earth will I cope trying to do it with a 2-3 year thrown into the mix. I hardly coped the first time with just the one! I am always amazed people go for thirds and fourths - I could not bear it.

Can anyone relate and did anyone feel like this and have a second and find it was actually manageable?

Thanks!

Totally. DS and DD are almost exactly 2 years apart, and I felt that I was just getting over the sleeplessness and exhaustion of having a baby. We gave ourselves a 3 month ultimatum of getting pregnant, I think hoping it wouldn't work, but it only took a month.

Everyone's different, what's right for me obviously isn't going to be right for you. I did find it tough to have a 2 year old and new baby, and DD was NOT an easy baby or toddler, and also a horrible sleeper. It was a tough time with the age gap, and I had a lot of friends that had roughly the same gap, and I don't think anyone thought it was easy, but it wasn't unbearable, but I'd do it again if I had a choice. My two are 8 and 6 now, and are best friends, and they really keep each other occupied a lot. Things have been pretty easy (actually really easy) for a long time, and I attribute it to having a smaller age gap where they are close. It is also nice that I got all the hard baby stuff (mostly sleeplessness) out of the way in a relatively short time, where I was still in the same mind frame to deal with it. I'm really not sure if I had a longer period of time that I would have had another one.

Thanks MmeBucket - that is useful. I think we will end up with a 3 year age gap, depending on how quickly I become pregnant. I am not sure if I will cope but I guess I can but try. I know I would regret it if I didn't have a second, so it seems it's just a little bit of pain for a great reward. I honestly never thought that having children would be so hard. I couldn't ever imagine that it would feel like this when thinking about having a second. I.e. really having to pysche yourself up to get back in the ring, so to speak.

I am just emerging from the dark tunnel and I guess I will be heading back into the tunnel soon...

If you're talking about black tunnels, it might be worth a longer gap? I had PND after DD1 and left a 4 year gap between children so I could recover. It turns out to work well- daily life is not a battle, actually I quite enjoying it - and I am not sure I could have coped with two littlies. There are pros and cons for both shorter and longer gaps, and you shouldn't be railroaded by your DH as it will no doubt be you not him who bears the brunt of the life change! Your age and how quickly you got pg last time are two other factors to consider.
It's a tricky one I know. Good luck OP.

DD1 is two and a half years older than DD2 . We decided to have another because we wanted a sibling for DD1 and although I had a hell of a time with pregnancy,

I was going to say that I found 1 really difficult but really hit my stride with 2.

But then you said about "dark tunnels" and I agree with helium - don't put your mental health at risk. There's no right or wrong age gap. Lots of people swear by 4 years - one at school when the next arrives.

Remember too that next time you will be an experienced mum. That's a lot different from looking at a new baby and thinking "who the fuck left me in charge?"

(that's how I was anyway )

Sorry, posted too soon.

..PND and the baby years I knew that in most ways it made more sense. Get them out of the way, relatively close in age etc. It's two years before they'll both be in full time school and I can get a sense of normalcy back by going to work full time. Dd1 was petty trained three months after DD2 was.born which helped and she loved her little sister that much that she helped with feeding, nappies etc.

I feel if you leave it to long the doubts are worse. You can't imagine how you cope because you just do. Routine helps and sharing the load if you can but when that baby is here they somehow work out. They're both your priorities and you work.it out day to day until it becomes like second nature..

Thanks everybody. I probably shouldn't have said "dark tunnel" because it wasn't all bad and I didn't suffer from PND but I didn't enjoy a lot of it and found it stressful.

I am 35 this year and had to use fertility drugs to get pregnant first time around but it worked first go and so it was a quick process.

It's really hard to know what to do...

Having another baby was daunting for me too, I couldn't even consider it until about 6 months ago when DS was 2.4, potty trained and due to start nursery soon. I felt that I wanted to get those milestones out of the way and help him become that little bit more independent before embarking on pregnancy/childbirth/baby. Although I didn't actively dislike the baby stage I certainly didn't find it a breeze and have really appreciated getting life back to 'normal'- ie with a reasonable amount of sleep!!

I felt quite a bit of pressure to have another baby within the 2 year window from people around me but didn't even consider it until it became something I was ready for. IMO its too much of a big thing to do because you think you should! If you can I would give it time and maybe prepare some coping strategies to help you get more comfortable with the idea- e.g could your older child go to nursery in the mornings to give you a break?

There must be pros and cons to all types of age gap- my sister came along when I was nearly six and although that gap wasn't intentional my mum says it was great because I was a big help to her. The age gap meant that we didn't have much in common growing up but that didn't make us love each other any less and we are each others best friend now. I just think that your family will work out fine whatever the age gap.

With regards to how difficult it is having a baby and a toddler I couldn't tell you yet- am still in my first trimester!

Thanks plum - I appreciate your advice. I know deep down I should wait until early next year when our DS will be over 2 (he turns 2 in November) and then start trying. I really would like him potty trained and possibly in day care a few days a week as well. I work FT and he is cared for at home by my mother, MIL and a nanny. He hasn't gone to day care yet - I was thinking of waiting until he was 2 and then putting him in there 2 days a week. So when the second baby comes along and I am on maternity leave, this will ease the pressure a lot.

I have a lot of support (so much that I feel guilty) and my DH pulls his weight absolutely 50%, but I really did struggle with the way my life changed when I had a baby. I spent 12 months dreading every night and it is only the last few months where I have started to relax and enjoy my son. I just dread heading right back to the beginning and starting again.

AThinginyourLife - thanks for your feedback. I do wonder whether I will find the second easier, purely because I know what I am facing. I went into it first time around thinking it was going to be walks in the park with the pram, coffee with friends, lunches out with baby etc. Honestly I did! The reality was vastly different and I found myself anxious and stressed!

I felt like this after my first but really wanted a sibling for DD. I figured that I wanted to get it done with rather than wait a few years when for me it would seem even harder to go back to the beginning when DD is so much more independent.

When I was pregnant I would often just suddenly feel completely overwhelmed and panic that it was a huge mistake (but there wasn't much I could do at that point!) DD1 was just turned 3 when DD2 was born.

One thing I would say is that although it was sometimes difficult having two, I found DD2 much easier just because I was more relaxed and confident than when having DD1. It also helped that rather than being at home with a tiny baby on my own all day I had a chatty 3 year old as well. It also made me a lot less rigid about schedules and the like and so I found it wasn't nearly as draining as my first year with DD1!

DD2 is nearly 2 now and (apart from the tantrums!) it is already getting a lot easier and my two girls already play with each other which makes it easier to get on with things around the house, they are great at keeping each other occupied!

My son who is now four was quite a difficult baby would not sleep etc. We started trying for a baby when he was 17 months, and there is 26 months between them, the second my daughter is much easier and having two of them makes things much easier, they play together, when DS and DD started sharing a room ds slept through the night for the first time and has done so ever since. We thought the age gap was so good we have done the same for DD 2 who arrived near my sons fourth birthday. I think it is nice to have them close together and to have siblings as they always have someone to play with and a companion and they are all on the same wavelength so when we went to my first ballet last week they all enjoyed it and it means they will be in similar year groups at school. Another benefit is that all the people in my NCT group with my son have kids around my daughters age so there are lots of local friends which is great. Two kids are great and three is even better.

We have decided to wait til ds is 4 and at school - a 4 year gap still seems alright in terms of them sharing childhood experiences, but it will also mean I can devote almost as much time to the second baby as I did to ds. Also I'll be able to nap in the day!

I have a nearly 4 year gap and I'd recommend it :) I know that I'll have a small child for longer, but that's what I want. I want to wring every little drop out of them being little. DS is 5 and Baby Goo is 18months.

I found birth and the first year very hard too. I am umming and aaahing about number 3 because Baby Goo is now an advertisement for cute funny babies. I want a similar gap again though. Additionally it means I am only paying for one lot of nursery at a time.

How important is it to you to have a second child? If you would be happy with one if ttc doesn't work out, then I would maybe think about leaving it until your DS is older and will be at school, that way if you are successful you will only have one at home most of the time and hopefully will find the baby stage less stressful. My friend had a long road to her DC2 and has now got 4.4 yo and 3mo, her little boy is actually a massive help to her with the baby, fetching things etc, and starts school in September, she says it's turning out to be a lovely gap for them.

I was really keen to have 2 for various reasons, so stopped taking precautions when DC1 was about 14 months in case there were issues, was very lucky and it happened pretty much straight away and I will have almost exactly 2 years between them, fingers crossed.

My DC2 isn't here yet (I am 8m pg) but I have found pregnancy with a toddler hard. However this pregnancy would have been hard without a toddler and my toddler is hard work without being pregnant! I think I'd like a third if circumstance allow but not until DC2 is at school and less physically demanding.

It's a difficult decision, maybe think how you would feel if you missed your period this month - happy, frightened, something else? good luck!

DS and DC2 will be 22 months apart. I wanted a small gap, possibly because I have a positive experience of having a sister only 15mo younger than me- we could basically do all the same stuff and whilst we fought, we also entertained each other a lot and I think we got more freedom as there were two of us who could look out for one another if we were playing out in the street/ going to the shops etc.

Also, I'm nearly 37 so I dont exactly have time on my side, and I want them all out of the house before I'm 60 so DH and I can start frittering their inheritance on trips to the Maldives

Great advice thanks!

AlanMoore if I found out I was pregnant this month, I would be delighted (tbh), but then I loved being pregnant. I had the world's easiest pregnancy and I just loved imagining the baby, and choosing names and buying things for it. It was the reality that I struggled with!

I think I will stick to my plan of waiting until Christmas time to start trying and then I think we will end up with a 3 year gap which will be good. It means I will be 36 by the time the baby is due so I can't really afford to leave it much longer anyway....I think I would be quite upset if I discovered I couldn't in fact have a second because of infertility issues.

Similar situation here. I hated the first year with a passion and then slowly I have come out of the blackness, gone back to work part time and seen my DS start to emerge from his baby shell into a cracker of a toddler. He still doesn't sleep through the night though and that's a major argument for not having a second. If he had slept through after the first 6-9 months, then I think my DH would be up for it. For now he is saying "no, never again." I can understand this point of view but I just don't feel "done" with having children so would like one more. I think a three year age gap would work well (I'm 33 now) as DS would be in nursery more at 3. I would also consider getting a nanny, a night nanny once a week, a cleaner....plus if breastfeeding didn't work, we'd go straight to formula instead of me expressing seven times a day for half an hour at a time. Next time I would make life MUCH easier for myself. And go back to work at nine months not one year!

I keep thinking, there is nothing I haven't seen before or which I wouldn't know how to deal with if we were to do it again. Plus I have loads of mummy friends who would be around for some adult company..... Basically I've tried to break it down into "which bits was it that I hated" and "so what could I do to make that better second time around."

But DS, if you ever want a sibling, you need to start sleeping through the night SOON!

I think the thing that's (hopefully) easier with the second one is that you know "this too shall pass". With your first one, although people tell you that it will, you don't really believe it. I remember weeks 5-8 being particularly grim- just walking around the apartment Holding DS and singing songs from hit musicals in a slightly manic voice whilst longing for bath time. At the time it seemed like it would never end.

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. I think if you are questioning it then you know deep in you heart you aren't ready. I find it I toss a coin, it generally brings out my gut reaction....

My DD is nearly 20 months. I had awful PND for first 6 months. Life is lovely now and I cannot even comprehend another one at the moment. I could not go back to square one. And I want to enjoy my time with my DD on her own, as I wasn't a great mum (IMO) for the first 6 months. It is not even on the agenda for now. We will look at it when she is maybe nearer 3.

I wasn't ready until DD turned 3 despite family pressures to have another one soon. We decided to wait til DD starts school so we'll have time to spend with the baby. Agree about less expense re childcare. DD is so good, not demandong and most of all so excited about when her baby will arrive, turns out the due date is a few days before she starts school this Sept.

3 years is a good age gap - my boys are 37 months apart, and it really wasn't too bad, because even though DS2 was a very high maintenance baby DS1 was old enough to be quite self-sufficient eg potty trained, sleeping properly, could dress himself, feed himself, not need a buggy or to be carried. I was worried it wouldn't be close enough for them to be pals, but they're inseparable

I knew straight away that we wanted another baby, we started TTC well not using contraception when DD1 was 9 months old, of course I got pregnant straight away and we have an 18 month gap. I love that gap personally as now they are 7 and 6 they are very close and if you have one baby might as well have another IYSWIM. I couldnt imagine having a 4 year old and a baby.

Well I say that I have since had another 2 with the largest age gap being 2 1/2 years which seems huge compared to 18 months.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong age gap I think it is what feels right for your family.

Seconds are a lot easier as you know what to expect, 1 to 2 is not as hard as 0 to 1.

If I had had my way I would have had another with say two year age gap, BUT nature didnt play ball and now my DD is 4.5 and will be in school by the time dc 2 arrives ( if all is god willing).

HOWEVER i now think this is wonderful as I have a child who is now hardly ever trouble, understands so much more so is so much easier to manage....AND its great that she will be in school all day while I have time to spend with the new baby. I have two neighbours with children close in age and they have struggled a great deal....it depends on the children of course.

Also I have forgotton that hell of the early baby days! But, this time round now I have a tiny bit more experience I wont be as worried as I was with DD1.

In terms of how children get on with an age gap, I dont think anyone can predict that.

Ds was a nightmare sleeper and I struggled. I think I may have had borderline pnd but once I got passed the first 6-9 months it lifted. Then ds became a toddler, a wonderful toddler (he's 2.6).

We also have dd, 4 months. We tried for a second one knowing the baby stage was tough. First 3 months nearly killed me - but only the nights. The days are a lot easier - I don't stress so much about naps, routines and entertaining DD as I did with ds. I can't because I have to get on. I do so much with dd strapped to me - I wonder what I was worried about last time! dd is a nightmare sleeper and has reflux but I look at ds to remind me that This Too Shall Pass.

I know you have fertility issues but really consider when you get pregnant. Dd was born in December which meant the first three months were winter and miserable. Although as the days get longer, my mood is better every day and it's easy to entertain a toddler when the sun is shining (until the recent rain )

I didn't want to leave a longer gap as didn't want to get too much of a taste of how things could be when the baby stage was over.

Hi @emmyloo2, not sure if you'll see this comment since this thread is so old? I'm having the same dilemma so did a quick search on mumsnet and found your post. Just wondering how things turned out for you and your family and what advice you have for someone who has the same feelings you did?