2 year old scared we are going to die

[FrannyandZooey]

Right, I guessed this was going to happen and now don't know what to do. Some of you advised me on my thread about our neighbour who died - this was ds's first experience of death and with help from on here I spoke to him about what happens when you get old etc. He accepted it all very calmly, a few questions, that was it.

Now a few weeks later from out of the blue - "Daddy I don't want you to die." The neighbour was male which I am presuming is why the fear about Daddy. Dp said "No, I am not going to die", but after discussing it I said we will have to be more truthful really, and say "Well we all die one day but not until we are very old." We tried this next time ds brought it up, cue hysterics so we have gone back to saying "No, never, not us. Dying? Wouldn't dream of it" etc.

What should we do and isn't he a bit young (2.10) to be worrying about all this? I would much rather not have brought up the issue in the first place but ds is quite friendly with the widow of our neighbour and I didn't want her to have to keep explaining where her husband was. I sort of guessed then it would lead to some traumas Any ideas?

Oh every cloud has a silver lining and all that - it has led to some quite sweet declarations from ds "Daddy you can't die because I absolutely love you" etc

Don't really have any ideas (dd1 is 3.4 and we've avoided the death thing so far) but wanted to bump this for you.

There is a really nice book called
"Beginnings and Endings and lifetimes in between"
At least im pretty sure that is the title. IT is suitable for preschool children and helps them to gain some understanding. Also just keep reassuring him and acknowledging his feelings.
"It would make you really sad if Daddy died and I can see that it makes you scared. Daddy is right here now, MR....died but daddy is alive." Talk about nice things to do to remember your neighbour, look at photos, draw him or the widow a picture etc.
Hope some of this helps.

Thank you both, I had not thought of books. I think the suggestion of acknowledging his feelings is very good.

Ds did not actually like the neighbour, he was scared of him, but his death obviously introduced the whole concept that people you know can die. I am quite proud of him for working it out over the last few weeks, really.

There is a definite amusing side to it all - ds was lying on our bed earlier while dp and I chatted in the bathroom, and we could hear him singing quite happily to himself "I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dead now..." LOL his bizarre way of working it all through I suppose. Death is a very weird big thing for us to get our heads round, I think.

Franny I usually leave this to dh because he's better at it.
Shiela Kitzinger has written a book called 'Talking to Children About Things That Matter' which is pretty good.

There are the usual platitudes. (It probably won't happen for ages, you may well be ready for it when it comes etc). I remember cyring as a child about dying or about my parents dying. My dad said, 'Nothing to worry about. It'll bhe just like before you were born', which didn't really help much.

I suppose it depends on what you believe. I say we don't just vanish or disappear, but rather we change and reform into something else. Like the leaves that fall in autumn and become earth again and are absorbed by new growth. We return to the universe in some form. No-one knows exactly what it feels like because no-one has lived to tell the tale.

I don't know if this helps them. They usually nod sagely then ask if Dad is around tbh.

I've just asked dh and he says he talks about death being a building block of life, life is constructed from the deconstructed death of other things, part of a rolling cycle. He says he has no reason to doubt the universe. I he fears his own death he would fear life itself.

I've ordered the book linked earlier in the thread btw because I feel I could always do with more tools for this question. I've also ordered Micheal Rosen's Sad Book. (His son died of meningitus at 19 apparently ).

I just tell him we are not going to die, he has plenty of time when he is a teenager to get anxious about it. And the he won't worry, (not yet he has his whole life to know the truth)

Hmm yes thanks for lots of food for thought. I am just wondering if it is ok to basically say flat out "No we are not going to die" and leave the ".....yet" unspoken. He is only 2 fgs. We had the 'where do babies come from' convo last week, I am not sure if I can handle many more Big issues this month...

Anyone else had to deal with this?

I think at his age he probably doesn't have a full understanding of what 'death' actually is. He may well see it as someone simply 'going away' and not coming back. Maybe that's what's really worrying him, the thought of you not being there.

LOL it is getting worse. I explained that our neighbour was very old and very ill (sort of true). As proof I said "you know he had that electric car, because he was so old and ill he couldn't even walk any more". This was as a prelude to saying that Daddy was not old or ill and was not going to die.

Of course this afternoon in town we saw a young disabled woman using an electric car. I guessed what was coming and whizzed ds away just as he started saying very loudly "Look mummy, she's got an electric car! She's old and she's going to die soon, isn't she?"

Ahhh! Looks like you won't be able to fob him off. I think putting these things off stores up trouble for later. He deserves honest answers and he probably won't stop asking until he gets them.

Gardening has helped my kids. They go down to the allotment with dh and they know about things dying and becoming earth again. They see life and death of animals and plants and from it get a feeling of the continuation of life in other forms.

I tell them that, if all goes to plan, I'll probably be ready to go when my time comes. I also tell them that when I was their age I also worried about my mum and dad dying, but they're still around.

Or is your dh available for private bookings, Spidey? When he is between jobs, maybe he could moonlight as a sort of toddler death counsellor

Hey ... I feel a workshop coming on.

I'm personally quite strongly against the "we're not going to die" approach because unfortunately sometimes horrible things happen. A boy in DS2's class lost his mum when they were in reception, and I know that a few of the kids were totally freaked as they had been told this by their parents. Like most things I think if you introduce things in a fairly matter of fact way from very young, kids learn to accept things. I do the "circle of life approach" with my kids and try and speak honestly about death usually happening when we are old, but telling them thatsometimes people get sick or have accidents, but stressing that this is not the norm. My kids have lost two grandparents and a great-grandparent recently and seem to have found comfort in the circle of life thing - especially as I was pregnant with DD when my mum died. This might sound naff but for slightly older children watching the Lion King is quite good. Absolutely horrible when the dad dies, in usual disney fashion it's all fairly feel-good in the end.

Yes I do totally agree in principle sunnyd, just found when my 2 year old son was crying with fear, that I didn't really care that much at that point, as long as he stopped being afraid.

I think when he is a little bit older we can go into it more deeply. At the moment I think we will mostly reassure him - after all, to the best of my knowledge we are not going to die anytime soon. When he says "What's for tea?" I don't say "Sausage and mash dear, except of course in case of a freak accident to the cooker in which case it will be cold baked beans." Or so I will justify it to myself anyway

I am quite worried about how we are going to deal with this one. It hasnt really come up yet, but I know it will. I cant dismiss it by saying it by saying it wont happen until we 'are very old'. My own mother died when I was 19, and DHs died when he was 12. In a way that would be denying what has happened in our own lives. The last thing I want though is for DS to become obsessed and fearful about it.

I think probably being very matter of fact about it is the best way to go don't you cori? I am sure they pick up on it when we flap around and don't want to tell them.

Trust your instincts FrannyandZooey x

I've read lots of your posts, Franny and Zooey, and I think you have great instincts - I'd trust them, so can you

For what its worth, I remember lying awake at night crying in case my Dad died (I was older though, about 7 - and my great granny had died, all very hush hush) and he would sit for hours with me, and say the thing about it not happening for ages and ages and I'd feel differently by the time it did. I couldn't possibly imagine being older, so that really didn't help - although I liked him sitting with me - and I stayed anxious. I think it would have helped more if he'd just asked me what worried me about the thought of him dying, and I could have worked that through - including asking 'who would look after me' 'I would miss you so much' 'how could I talk to you then' etc.

Obviously, I was much older. I know your DS is 2.5 (my DD is 2.1, two of her grandparents are dead already - we are older parents, so this is going to come up!) but I suppose what I'm remembering is that I needed to be listened to and acknowledged as much as I needed to be reassured - if not more - and that probably holds true at any age.

Good luck, I'd love to know how you get on for future reference with DD!

Oh thank you both, that is lovely advice and very sweet of you to say that Elibean.

As these things do, this has quickly blown up and then died away to be replaced by a new obsession - the potty

I expect the subject will rear its ugly head again in a week or two. I feel more equipped to deal with it now. I think you have all reminded me that his feelings need to be listened to and not just swept under the carpet. It's so tempting sometimes to just give blanket reassurance and not actually let them express their fears.

I will let you know of any new developments Elibean.

Your ds is very young I suppose for this discussion but these things come up and really coming to terms with death is a lifelong adjustment for most people.

My experience of this is with my niece and nephew, their mother (my sister) died when they were 6 and 4 years old so maybe not completely relevant as they were that bit older.

The main things they worried about were practical things to do with their care. Remember children are completely dependent on us and the idea of losing their parents is terrifying.
This doesn't mean they didn't miss their mum they did and still do - in fact the missing gets more as they get older.

They asked a lot of questions about how old their mum was and how old we were and how old their granparents were. You could see them working out whether we would be around long enough to take care of them. My nephew in particular wanted to know who would ccok for him (he couldn't get his head around his very macho typically Italian dad doing the cooking)

There is no easy answer to this but I genuinely believe that as much honesty as possible is the best way forward.

Perhaps it might help to think about what would happen to your ds if one of you (or even both) died. Think through what would happen, who would be there for your ds. Who would take care of him etc. This is a good thing to do anyway and can be used as re-assurance when your ds is a bit older maybe.

BTW - this is one of the reasons I strongly believe that if at all possible children need as many adults in their lives who they know and trust as it is possible to give them. I know that my niece and nephew coped better with their mum's death than they might have done because we all (aunts/uncles/grandparents) pitched in and helped in a very real way. They are now much close to us than they might have been and I KNOW that us being so involved helped with some of they very real and understandable worries they have (and to some extent still have) about their dad dying too.

Ah, the Potty...dd took her sleeping bag and nappy off yesterday, and called me in: I walked in to her room to see her stsanding in her cot, half naked, beaming with pride, saying 'look, Mummy, all on my own, nappy OFF, and a POO!'
The Potty looms here, too - you have my sympathy.

And, having lurched off topic, you're welcome and I look forward to the update.