DS6 is struggling hugely at school and I have no patience with him

[TheHouseofMirth]

I am disgusted at myself but I find I am becoming more and more furious at my YR2 6 yo old DS's seeming inability to read, write or remember his times tables.

Instead of helping him I am grumpy and snappy and at times shouty. Obviously this is not helping him at all .

I just about cope when he is obviously trying hard but not getting it but he seems unable to concentrate for very long and drives me mad with his inability to retain information.

He is getting extra help at school and his teacher seems to feel he is making some progress and she seems pleased by this. I just feel totally despondent about the whole situation and am disturbed by my reaction to his lack of progress.

How do I support him and stop showing him how frustrated and disappointed I am before I totally destroy his confidence?

Lots of young Y2 boys will be having difficulties with these areas - it may be a question of maturity and readiness (we are virtually the only country that starts formal education so early.....) However, it may be that he has specific difficulties with these areas - it is good that he is getting extra support at school, but it may be a slow journey for him.

Maybe you need to aim for a small target at a time - for example, just learning a couple of tables facts at a time until he is secure before moving on. Keep the sessions short and sweet at home - 2 or 3 5min slots will be much more effective than half-an hour once a day. Could you do this?

Please stop trying to educate him or help him formally at home and give the responsibility back to the teacher. Spend time with him reading to him, having conversations, playing maths games for example and generally being a stress-free parent. Build his confidence.
Take a long, honest look at why you personally are so stressed and angry that he's not coping, and ask yourself why the teacher isn't. Do you think he's doing it on purpose? Is he really that deceitful at 6? Unlikely.
If you can't work with him without getting shouty, then don't work with him. If he was able to concentrate and had an excellent memory, then he would probably not be requiring extra support at school.
With any of the real strugglers in my class, I give support activities at home that are not supposed to take longer than 10-15 minutes.

At least you seem to realise that what you are doing isn't helping either of you, or acceptable, so why are you doing it?

I spent ages writing a lengthy reply to you both last night then just as I hit post, Mumsnet went down and it disappeared.

Thank you both for your replies. It's really helped to get a bit of perspective on the situation.

bigTillyMint that's reassuring to know. DS's teacher quite rightly won't tell me how DS's ability compares to his classmates and despite the fact I know DS is very young for his year inevitably I compare him to his friends who seem so far ahead of him and I worry that he'll fall so far behind that he'll never catch up.

FallenCaryatid I'm not trying to educate him, just trying to get him to do the homework set by his teacher. I guess the difference between me and his teacher is that she is a detached, experienced professional and I am his mother who is worried that he'll always struggle and that on some level it's my responsibility to 'fix' it. Of course I don't think he is deceitful or doing it on purpose but I find the fact he is so inconsistent very frustrating. There are times when I know he is engaged and trying hard but there are many times when he seems not to try and doesn't seem to care that he gets things wrong. If I am totally honest, I am finding it hard that he is struggling with this. His speech was incredibly advanced as a toddler and I never thought he'd have any problems with literacy.

I guess all I really want is for someone to reassure me that he will get there in the end.

TheHouse
If it's any consolation I end up with Homework Rage myself quite often. It drives me mad, especially when DD doesn't seem to want to put any effort in at all.
(if it's any consolation though, DD is nearly 8 and where we live abroad they haven't even started to think about times tables.)

I decided to do something about it after Xmas when both of us were in tears.
I let go.
I decided that if she couldn't do it, or wouldn't do it, (both are easy to spot now) that was down to her and the school. If she couldn't do it - I would write a note to the teacher explaining which parts were proving too hard. I didn't see the point in pretending anymore that I had to drag my DD to the answer. The teacher would then give her extra help.

If she wouldn't do it, I told her that I would try with her for 5 mins. If she couldn't make any effort, it was a waste of my time and we were stopping. Again, I'd put a note saying that DD didn't want to do her homework this time and that I'd tried. My DD was so mortified by that she would finally make an effort.

Either way, it's really helped and put the onus back on my DD and the school.
HTH.

My ds has just turned 7 and is in Y2... He is much the same as your ds, has struggled with Y2 and has now dropped to the bottom table for maths. Doing homework with him is painful... It doesnt help that his school is fairly academic and are really heaping on the homework as Sats are coming up. I have been stressed and we've thought about extra tuition but tbh it is what it is and he can only do his best ( which they tell me he tries so hard). I focus on things he is good at, he's a good reader and a really sporty boy. It's so easy for their confidence to go, they know that theyre struggling too, it's not just us that can see it. So we give ds sums he CAN do and build his confidence or we leave it if he's getting agitated. I am not stressing now. He is 7 and has so much time to be academic. Try not to worry (I know that's not easy).

Sympathy to you and your boy.

It must be scary... we all want the best for our kids and it's hard when something's not quite right.

I like the suggestions from FallenCaryatid about reading to him (perhaps asking him to word spot) and playing word-based & maths-based games rather than trying to teach him.

Hard though if you are only doing what has been asked of you by the teacher.

Is there any way you could afford some tutoring help? Maybe just short-term to get his confidence up a bit or to help identify exactly what he struggles with?

Does he get much outdoor time? Sometimes kids need to have had a good run around before they can come in to be still for a while.

I have 3 kids, 12, 8 and 7. It's really hard trying to juggle everything - I've got to the point I can only support a couple of things at a time.

If I was you I would support reading first, slowly encourage writing (1 sentence a day, even just copied from a book) and leave tables until year 3 or 4, because it's possible at that age the number bonds aren't secure yet.

I hope that helps, but don't put yourself under any pressure

I get where you are coming from.

I think we as parents want our kids to do well and it is embarrassing and frustrating when they just don't 'get' it.

My DS has always struggled with literacy. At around 7/8 I was convinced he must have a 'condition' that made it impossible for him to concentrate/learn/retain information. But he doesn't. He just struggles.

He is now 15 and is still below average. I still find doing his homework with him painful as he's all over the place. He has still NEVER read a book.

I still find it hard to accept he is below average and struggles to learn. My family are all really rather clever (that sounds horrible I know) and his cousins are all excelling at school.

I'm not suggesting your boy will have any long-term problems but I know how you are feeling

I agree it is very frustrating for all concerned doing homework and trying to support a child who definitely does not want to even be thinking about homework. I get very frustrated with both of my children so do try and steer clear- the emotions are too close to the surface!

In dd's case she is now in yr 5. She has always struggled- she didn't learn to read till year 2. She was assessed by the edpsych, the tests that she did indicated poor auditory and visual memory. They are reluctant to use the word dyslexia, they call it specific learning difficulties.

The school gave her more 1-2-1, she has improved a lot. The challenge with children who have difficulties is that they do give 100%, and the last thing they want to do is do more work when they get
home. So I would definitely advocate working in partnership with the school AA much as you can.

You can push for him to be assessed, at the end of the day, you're not looking for a label, but you are looking for the right support for him. If they feel strongly it's not an issue, then you can sit back, and just monitor for a bit. All kids develop in a different way, so it may just be a case that there is no problem, he's just a bit slower to develop than some.
It all depends on how much confidence you have in the school really. If you're not that confident in what his teacher says, then you can ask to speak to the SENCO about your concerns.

That's what I'm talking about, daintynuts, that sort of clear-sighted honesty.
Yes, it can be embarrassing, frustrating and you may feel it reflects badly on you if your child struggles with an area of learning. Especially if you post on this site with all the disingenuous comments of
'Galahad got a level 4 in his reading and he's 5. Is that good?'

But you have managed to separate what your son is capable of from your own desires and are not venting your frustration on him. Which is wonderful.
Some of the parents I admire the most have loved and supported the child that they have, rather than the one they ordered that didn't arrive. 25+ years later, I remember thinking 'That's the sort of parent I want to be if I ever have children'
I've also seen the stress and the corrosion of enthusiasm and self-image that can be caused by the opposite.

How did the dyslexic assessment go?

He hasn't had a dyslexic assessment quoteunquote. I was led to believe he is still too young for this to be of much use. Both my half-brother and his son are severely dyslexic so it is certainly something I have wondered about.

You were led wrong, and it is hereditary.

Dyslexia assessments are usually more reliable from 7, but he is definitely at risk of being dyslexic if it is in the family.

Whatever the cause, he is very unlikely that he is being difficult with homework on purpose. Like I said, if you want to support at home, you need to look at very small steps, lots of small chunks of learning/practice time and lkots of opportunities for "overlearning" And definitely keep pusing the school for further investigations and support of his difficulties.

I'm in a similar situation, daintynuts.

I'm an academic and have basically lived my life for the enjoyment of learning, it matters more than anything to me. Dd is very bright and has the same priorities. Ds (11) struggles with learning, doesn't enjoy it, is proud of the fact that he hasn't read a book since the Magic Key, does the bare minimum at school and hates everything that reminds him of learning (trips to stately homes, museums, walks in the forest- anything that is not sport or popular culture). I have decided to back off and try to meet him on his own ground for a while, letting him feel that I accept him for who he is, rather than alienating him completely.

Come to think of it, my parents' situation was not dissimilar: two highly academic children, two non-academic. They did manage to keep the family together but my eldest (non-academic) brother has serious self-esteem issues.

Please stop trying to educate him or help him formally at home and give the responsibility back to the teacher. Spend time with him reading to him, having conversations, playing maths games for example

I think all parents educate their children just in daily life.......and the ideas suggested are certainly not stopping to try to educate him