How should I have handled this?

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Last night I said DS (aged 5) could have a small treat in the morning if he went to bed nicely, read one book and then turned his light out by 7.30pm (he's been getting into the habit of reading loads of books and not turning his light out until after 9pm and ending up really tired in the morning). He agreed and did this.

This morning I praised him for going to bed nicely and gave him two maltesers as a treat (not the best food to start the day but I realised I had nothing else to offer as a treat!) He got really upset and said he wanted the treat to be a toy. I said the treat was maltesters take it or leave it.

He then got progressively more upset and said the only way he'd calm down would be if he had a new toy as a treat. I said that a toy is too much, and maybe if he keeps going to bed nicely he can have a new (small) toy at the weekend. He wasn't happy with this and got himself even more worked up and said he didn't want to go to school. I started off trying to explain things to him rationally, and ended up getting less and less patient! I said if he was acting like this he wouldn't get any treats in the future.

My mum normally takes him to school on tuesdays and we ended up both taking him, while he cried all the way saying he wanted a toy. The teacher had to physically pull him off me and when I left she was trying to hold him while he was kicking and screaming and trying to get out of the door. It was horrible.

I keep thinking there must have been something I could have done to stop it getting so bad. I know part of the problem was not being explicit the night before about what the treat would be, but this morning part of me felt he was acting spoilt and ungrateful and what have we done to make him like that?

The first mistake was offering a reward and the second was to make it ambiguous. He's 100% expecting a toy and has had all night and all morning to get excited. You give him a Malteser. Must have been a serious disappointment so you got a tantrum which escalated because you made the cardinal error of trying to explain, changing the offer and generally pacifying him. Once you'd made it clear that there was no toy in the offing you should have stopped there... regardless of whatever froth he worked himself into

Tonight... no rewards or promises of rewards. One book, lights out and then he goes to sleep on pain of death. :)

I also agree that offering a reward for what you want to be the expected behaviour was wrong. A sanction if the expected behaviour is not achieved works much more effectively and is more for the long haul. i.e will he get 2 malteasers every time he goes to bed 'nicely' as you put it. I am hoping that he is given a clear definition of what 'nicely' is as he will find it hard to meet your expectations if he is not absolutly certain what they are.
Your best comment was "2 Malteasers take it or leave it" but you absolutely should have left it at that. No further chat, no big deal but subject closed... end of.
If DS can see that there is a inkling of a chance that you would negotiate/extend the 'deal' as it were -ie the toy at the weekend- you had lost control.
It is not easy but a firm foot down is very effective and I think much kinder in the long run. You also made a 'special event' of it by going together with your mum to take him to school- if he was being a pain it should have been just you-no unneccessary audience.
Sorry..... but you did ask!

Thanks for the feedback - its really helpful to hear - sometimes when I'm rushed and one of the DCs is playing up I find it really difficult to think logically and I know I probably end up contradicting myself, which is when DS realised he could maybe negotiate like you said.

I'd have to disagree with the other posters about offering rewards. I very often, especially where there's a certain thing I want to achieve with my kids, 'do a deal' with them (only just starting to now with ds who's only 2, but fairly often with dd, who's now 6) and I find it works really well, both for her and me. Like most of us, she's more motivated by working towards something nice than away from something bad and I get to avoid threatening her, which just puts us all in a bad mood.

I think the only real mistake you made was, as others have said, was to be unclear as to what the reward would be. Now dd's 6, her part of the deal can be quite complex and involve several stages and fairly long time frames, so we often write them down and put the defined reward at the end. Because the obligations and rewards are varied, I don't find she ever comes to 'expect' a reward for the same behaviour in the future. But she does now often suggest deals herself, so she's learning that if she really wants something, she has to work for it.

And yes, the first once or twice that she failed to keep her end of the bargain and didn't therefore get the rewards, we had almighty tantrums, but after that it's been great.

I'm with you mistressofboogie.

I also agree with MistressofBoogie. Better the carrot than the stick.

Next time be specific as to what the reward is for staying in bed. And stick to it.

Just a thought, if you read him a story, say goodnight and turn off the light, won't the desired effect be achieved?