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Parenting

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Original poster

i think my friend and her child have a problem, but i don't want to upset her!

14 replies

dontwanttointerefere · 10/02/2006 20:27

i have changed my name because you never know with mumsnet, i don't want her to stumble upon it later on.

i've known the woman for a while and i've always felt there's something a bit not quite right between her and her little toddler, i just realised tonight that although i've spent a lot of time with her in various places i've never seen her cuddle her child once, in fact i've never seen her pick the child up in a way that puts them in her arms if you get what i mean, she always holds her LO away from her, even when they want cuddling or are upset. i don't know whether i'm making a big deal out of nothing and i don't want to barge in and upset her, she's a very good friend! Do you think there's something wrong? Is there anything i can do?

she just seems to shower her LO in toys toys and more toys, but then doesnt seem to want to be anywhere near them, am i being over sensitive?

i don't know what to do, her husband is the same with the child, i just don't know what to say or whether to say anything!

(sorry didn't put he/she anywhere but wanted to make it as anonymous as poss)

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Nbg · 10/02/2006 20:31

You never know whats goes on behind closed doors.

mummytosteven · 10/02/2006 20:31

maybe she just isn't a very tactile person? if that is the only issue, I would just think it's a different style of parenting to mine, and not really worry about it.

Hope it's not me as I do erm get DS a lot of toys!!!

Pinotmum · 10/02/2006 20:35

I have a friend who has 3 children and never seems to cuddle or kiss them hello/goodbye. She takes them to lots of activities and talks about them all the time but is not very tactile with them. I am always toussling their hair and holding their hands and kissing them - they hate it . Maybe she finds it hard to show affection or it doesn't come naturally. Do you know if she had a difficult time when the child was small which affected bonding?

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Pinotmum · 10/02/2006 20:36

Sorry I kiss my children not hers

Sparklemagic · 10/02/2006 20:46

How does the little one seem in her relations with her mum, and in general? Is she anxious or clingy with her mum? Is her development broadly what you would expect to see in a child of that age?

It's really difficult to give an opinion without knowing the people obviously, but well done really for being so aware - you're in a good position to take a good long look at them and see what you think about all the above things. If the child seems perfectly content, normal and happy then maybe just keep an eye on things as s/he gets older?

I know a couple of mums who are almost completely 'hands off' and I do find it odd, but not because I think it will harm the child necessarily, just because it's not my way. I do believe though that it can't harm a child to have physical affection and hugs!

WigWamBam · 10/02/2006 20:48

The fact that you don't see them cuddle doesn't automatically mean that they don't; some of my friends have never seen me cuddle dd either. It doesn't mean that I don't do it, just that I haven't done it while those particular friends have been around. I'm very tactile with dd and we have lots of cuddles, but when other people are in the house there are far more exciting things for dd to do than sit and cuddle with me!

Different people approach parenting in different ways. Apart from which, you only ever see a snapshot of someone else's life and maybe it's not fair to judge them based on that snapshot.

getbakainyourjimjams · 10/02/2006 20:55

Does the child like being cuddled? DS1 and ds2 are very cuddly. DS3 far less so, especially when out- more interested in exploring everything and getting into everything. I don't cuddle him as much as he doesn't let me (unless he's sleepy)

blueshoes · 10/02/2006 21:08

Cuddles are just one component. Equally if not more important is how much emotional support and empathy your friend provides on a day-to-day basis. It is possible to be less tactile and still a good parent. I agree that you would need to look at how the child is doing. I don't remember ever being affectionately cuddled or hugged by my parents beyond formal hugs and I am not close to them emotionally.

fastasleep · 10/02/2006 21:55

I agree with the others! Be careful, it might just be 'her way' if the kid's happy, the kid's happy.... if you feel the need to have a quiet word, for goodness sake word it in the best way you can or you run the risk of really upsetting the woman!

Caligula · 10/02/2006 21:58

Do you feel concerned because you think it's more than her not being a very tactile person? Do you think her child is unhappy?

emmawill · 10/02/2006 23:00

I would be concerned aswell and your a good person for noticing but I guess the only thing to be careful of is that some people are not very good or confident at showing their feelings in public and maybe she's affectionate to them in private when noone else can see.

lucyhoneybee · 10/02/2006 23:57

Is she really a good friend? Do you know her well enough to say when little ds or dd hurts self "ahh dear of him/her, he/she wants to cuddle you " and see if she feels comfortable?
If she doesn't does it matter? Not everyone is demonstrative. Are you worried about them otherwise? Do they seem sad?

vicimelly · 11/02/2006 06:22

I'd think long and hard before considering doing or saying anything about this. I am very tactile with dd, but having read your post and thought about it, I doubt if most of my friends have seen this with us.
As someone said, when we're with other people there are too many other things to be doing rather than cuddling with mummy!
I remember not so long ago myself and dd were at my mums house and because dd was getting tired she was sat up on the couch and cuddling with me and my mum commented on how lovely it was to see as she never sees us cuddling...it baffled me because we're always cuddling! but other people just don't see it....maybe thats all it is with your friend??

dontwanttointefere · 11/02/2006 19:46

i decided to not say anything. although i've known her for a very long time who am i to say whether cuddling or not cuddling her child is wrong or right. sometimes i think her little one seems lonely and feels a bit left out but i can't say whether that's just my feelings tainting what i see. she could cuddle her child lots when i don't see and i would never know, you're right. if i see anything that worries me very much in the future i think i'll bring it up. thankyou!

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