My baby just had a panic attack :-(

[KellyCZ]

By daughter is 4 1/2 months and hasn't had a bottle feed since I had to pop into work once when she was 5 weeks old. She took it with pleasure on that occasion so I thought we'd be alright when we needed to use it again. Health visitor told me two weeks ago I should use it again occasionally to get her accustomed to it for when I go back to work in 3 mnths time. Tried on numerous occasions today and she was having none of it. I ended up feeling quite down and like I was going a bit mad so decided to take a walk to Tesco, leaving bubba with daddy. (Plus I wanted to buy a sippy cup to see if she'd take that). Daddy phoned me about 50mins later to ask where I was. I sprinted home to find her hysterical (and daddy almost in tears). She's a normal baby so I've seen her cry before, but this was something else. She was absolutely terrified. Her eyes were bulging, the sound of the cry was completely different, nothing like the crying during painful vaccinations, much worse, high pitched, she could barely breathe... She was petrified. I stripped to the waist straightaway and held her to my chest and fed her and she soon calmed down, but still looked so so sad. :-(

Daddy said he gave her her bedtime bath and they had a fun, smiley time. Then he took her to our room to get her dressed when she suddenly started. It seems like she had seen both downstairs (where bathroom is) and upstairs (our bedroom) and had not seen me anywhere so panicked. This was actually the longest we've been apart except that time I popped into work. On that occasion she got upset and daddy couldn't calm her either. But it wasn't this bad. Is it possible I have caused her to be like this by being with her constantly? My parents think I hold her too much. During her first 2 months or so she would only really sleep properly on my chest and I had to learn to do all domestic chores one-handed. What can I do to make her less dependent on me? Would she have been like this regardless? Am I a rubbish mummy? :-(

Nooooonono no not a rubbish mummy! It's scary but normal, she just realised for the first time that you are a separate person and it is quite a new and scary thing for a small person!

I have to run so sorry to ne quick, couldn't not answer. It's separation anxiety, you did nothing wrong, lots of cuddles and reassurance, you did the right thing to calm her down. Don't worry x

Ps get a sling and carry her as much as you like :) she clearly likes being close so follow your instinct and you'll be ok :)

Oh poor you...it hurts so much to see them like thar. But honestly don't worry, you're doing an amazing job!! Fwiw mine were all the same, to the point of sling wearing, co-sleeping, always with me and they've all been the most confident toddlers

My little one is 2 now but we have been through this a few times - it is separation anxiety and very normal - you haven't done anything wrong - you can't spoil a baby. My health visitor told me that it is a reaction they are always pleased to hear about because it indicates a strong bond between mother and child. It is really hard to go through but I firmly believe that the more a child is held in the beginning, the more confident and secure they will feel as they get older.

It's not possible to hold a baby too much! You are doing absolutely and totally all the right things :)

You sound like a lovely mummy.

Having her with you the whole time is completely fine, she's only tiny still! Don't worry and don't let your parents tell you that you hold her too much, there's no such thing as holding a small baby too much ...
My son (baby number 3) was with me all the time too (as were the others) and he's now settling very happily with his childminder at 12months. Your daughter will be fine, the early days go so quickly, sooner or later she won't want to be seen with you so enjoy it while it lasts!

You're not a rubbish mummy. Sounds like you're a totally loved and adored mummy. She will get more used to been apart for periods of time.

Thank you so much everyone. You almost made me cry with relief! I do use a sling quite a lot. She loves it and so do I. My sister's hen do (that I organised) is on Saturday. Don't think I'll be able to go now! I had read about babies that are held more growing up to feel more secure and confident. Absolutely makes sense to me. I so want her to be confident because I never have been. I will just keep following my instincts then! :-)

Oh and we co-sleep, as in her cot is like a side-car... or however you say it. :-) daddy ad I discussed when we'd move her to er own room and neither if us want to! She'll never have a little brother/sister at this rate!

You haven't done anything wrong! We all have to go out sometimes and it's quite normal to hold such a young baby a lot when you're at home with her. Luckily for me my children never stressed didn't care if I went out and left them with someone! Poor little thing - is she ok now?

Is it possible something else scared her?

Both my kids were like this. Amazing what you can do one handed! Perhaps try leaving behind a comforter of some kind that smells of you. Feel for you, LO and poor daddy too!

PS they grow out of it!

How far away is The hen do? I'd go if not o far but warn your sis you may leave early, dh can ring if you're needed. Might be a good chance to start getting your dd used to you being away before you go back to work.

When I got a dog I got her used to me leaving by gradually increasing the length of time I was out the house for. So build up slowly.

It sounds like you've been doing exactly all the right things! There is no such thing as holding a baby too much - it's absolutely fantastic for their brain development and confidence. Had a similar experience with my DD when she was about the same age. The hen do might not be a go-er though.

Don't worry about the bottles - if you're not going back to work till she's nearly nine months old she'll be long-weaned and onto cups by then. If she's going to nursery they'll be quite happy not to give her bottles. Neither of mine ever had bottles (both ebf) - they went straight to sippy cups and open cups at six months.

I've come back on to say essentially what Octavia has just said above - don't worry about when you go back to work. In our lives 3 months isn't long but from your baby's perspective it is ages. She will develop and grow so much in that time, she'll be well on to solid food and would be able to manage without milk while you're at work if she really won't take a bottle or drink from a cup. She won't let herself starve - she'll just make the most of the times when you are around! I don't know why HVs and so many others feel the need to get babies "ready" for something much further down the line, they only need to be ready when it actually happens! For what it's worth, from my experience going back to work after a baby now for the third time, is that the more relaxed and chilled out about it you are the easier it is. I know it is easy to say 3rd time round, but really don't spend your precious maternity leave being stressed about what happens when you do have to go back. Babies are very adaptable and your secure little girl will be fine. X

One suggestion to build on everyone else's fantastic advice: maybe time to start giving your DH the skills for him to deal with her and help control her anxiety? E.g I used to tell mine to take him out in the pram 30 min before nap time so both found it easier (she may have been more anxious because she was tired?) Also, can he start "wearing" her in the sling around the house? They can bond! I know you don't think so yet, but soon you may want to go out

Also: this weekend why doesn't your DH come too but take her for a 2 hr walk in the pram so you get some time off? V v important!

Oh you're all so lovely! We made a plan of action basically consisting of me being out of the house for short periods of time and not too far away every day so she learns that although I leave I will always come back. Today I was gone for 15 minutes and she started again. Exactly the same as yesterday. Daddy called me and I had to sprint back inside again. She was soooo distressed. When she saw me I thought she was going to burst. I feel so guilty for putting her through that again, but she lasted so much less time than yesterday! When I got home daddy had her wrapped in my dressing gown but she was so hysterical she wouldn't have known if it smelt of me or not I think. :-( i've realised that she has never been in the house without me. I suppose she doesn't understand the concept of mummy not being at home. I remembered that on Saturday and Sunday mornings daddy usually takes her somewhere to let me have a sleep. They just go and run errands together out in the car. She doesn't mind that too much. She cries a little bit but nothing abnormal and she usually calms down after he gets the car moving. Today it was the seeing that I was neither downstairs nor upstairs that started her off. Daddy said that when he got her upstairs to get dry and changed for bed that she looked everywhere for me and then it all kicked off. It's the looking around like that that makes us know what she's scared of...no mummy! Then when I'm back she is so relieved that she smiles through the tears! Or tries to through her gasps for breath!
I won t worry about the bottles too much as you're right, she'll be well onto solids by the time I go to work again. (I tried a sippy cup today too... Was having none of it.) But I hope three months is enough time to make her more independent of me. If she's still like this I just couldn't leave her at nursery. Three months is a 3/4 of her life so it's true that a lot could still change.
We did buy a comforter at the weekend. But I keep having to wash it as it keeps ending up on the floor! I keep washing my smell out of it! :-)
We live in Kent, Hen do starts in Hertfordshire in the morning and then central London. It's in 4 days time. I really can't see it happening! Haven't told my sister yet! Eeek.
I keep getting very upset about going back to work. I know I really ought to just focus on enjoying these three months we have left!

Desperate 2012 that sling idea is an excellent idea. She loves her daddy but he's quite a jittery anxious person so he's great at making her laugh and entertaining but not great at calming her. He does need a chance to practise though. You're right that she was very tired both yesterday and today. That wouldn't have helped at all.
I could go to the London part with daddy walking her round outside, if he was willing to do that! It could work... Hmmm

For your own long-term sanity I'd urge you to go to that hen, even just for a short time

Also,sorry to give an opposing view, but I think you need to perceiver with the sippy cup. My DS didn't take a bottle and now at 9.5 months is only just up to sippy cup during the day. Basically I wasted a lot of formula over the last 3 mos, but offered the cup ALL THE TIME. Never instead of boob tho, as he found that stressful, but at "snack" times. At first he wouldn't have it, then he'd take a sip, and now he has 2x 5oz feeds a day from it, and takes some sips from it pre-bed too. We tried everything else (multiple nipples, no boob thinking he'd figure it out etc) and never any joy. This no- stress gradual introduction approach is all that worked. As your going back to work early and milk will still be an important part of her diet I think you need to help her develop the ability to get milk from other sources, sorry