How, and at what age did you start to talk to your DC's about death?

[JaffaSnaffle]

Firstly, I hope this does not seem too trite, particularly to those dealing with bereavements.

But, my DD (2.2) loves wildlife, and has become particularly devoted to ladybirds. We have loads in our garden, and some have died. And she knows there is something wrong with them. She points at them, and says 'ah', looking worried.

I don't want to say they are asleep, because I think this is muddling and potentially disturbing. But I feel she is young to take on the finality of death.

There is a part of me that feels that ladybirds are a relatively safe starting point, and that there will come a time when we have to face the very upsetting deaths of family members, but even so, I cannot think how to start this without ending up in deep water.

She is starting to understand separation, 'DD very sad leaving Honey (our cat) in cattery'. But death seems such a big thing to lay on her now, particularly when it is not forced by bereavement.

At what age did you start this conversation with your DC's and how did you begin, particularly if not prompted by bereavement?

DS. (3) has always know that my dad is dead, but we talk about him. He has been to his gym's funeral and knows that his gm's dog died too. We live in the countryside, so dead birds etc too. He talks about getting a new cat when our (elderly but healthy) cat dies. He is very matter of fact about death ie: you stop living and don't come back. He knows it makes people sad (gd cried at ggm's funeral) and is a little bit karmic, as DD was born later the day that my mum's dog died.

We started off talking about flowers and leaves dying. We said that everything eventually wears out and dies even people.

When they were about two and a half and elderly relative whom they had visited in hospital died and so we had to talk about it then.

We haven't had any problems, they were fairly matter of fact about it. They did eventually come and ask if Mummy and Daddy would die one day too so we dealt with that but they aren't overly delicate children (IYKWIM) so they've been fine with it.

I'm a Christian so we've also talked about heaven etc.

Not gym's funeral - gym - great grandma.

I would say it's probably a good idea (imo) to start casually talking anout this early on. Someone I know hasn't discussed death (at all) eith her son (4 yo) because she doesn't want him to hear about anything upsetting. I worry that her conversations will be much harder than ours were.

I would use the ladybirds as a gentle start off to learning about death

but that's my personal opinion so that if/when they are bereaved its not a complete shock

that sounds awful, I hope you know what I mean

obviously I may not be the best person to answer you as my view is mostly based on the fact that if I had thought of introducing the concept of death to my two year maybe it wouldn't have been so hard for her to comprehend when her dad died

that sounds odd too
I mean she knew he was dead but she just parroted it really, took a long time and lots of questions to understand what it meant really

I'm sorry, I'll leave

I think we probably started talking to DS when he was about your DD's age, using plants and insects as an example, just in a very matter of fact way, explaining that plants die but we make compost and then new ones grow etc.

DS has not known bereavement yet (thank goodness!) but my brother's dog (who DS was fond of) died and then generated a few more conversations, because that was a death that upset us all so we talked about what that meant ie. that she was ill and the vet couldn't make her better and now she's died and we won't see her again.

DS is 4.5 and hasn't yet asked about us, or him, or other people dying. Personally, I think the best way to deal with the subject is bit by bit as the topics arise, so starting with ladybirds sounds like a good idea!

We have photos in our album of DS as a newborn with his great grandma. She died when he was a few months old so he obviously doesn't remember her and asked who and where she was.

Not being religious so not wanting to get into heaven/hell stuff, I just said to him that she had died, and nobody really knows what happens after death but I like to think she's gone up to the stars. The thinking behind this was that when he does lose a family member/pet/friend/favourite plant etc., he'll be able to look to the sky at night and it might be of some comfort to him to see the stars twinkling away.

Of course now he tells people that his great gran is an astronaut and lives in space.....

TrinityRhino, please don't leave, this is precisely the sort of thing I am thinking about.

I am very sorry for yours, and your DD's loss.

I guess because DHs parents died before DD2 was born, his mum when I was pregnant with DD2 (DD1 went her funeral at 2.5) they have always sort of known.
DMIL comes up in conversation a lot because she was rather a character and we miss her.

We've just answered questions as they came up, prompted by elderly relatives (and the hamster) dying. So DS age 3 knows about death, but doesn't really understand the reality.

I think it's fine to explain the theory of death, then they can understand the concept when they are ready.

There's a lovely book called Frog and the Birdsong which is a very gentle introduction to death. I wouldn't use it for a child who has recently been bereaved but its a good way to introduce the general principle. I'd say it's suitable from about 3 years old, or possibly slightly younger depending on language development.

Thank you neolara, I will get the book.