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Parenting

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Original poster

I want to help her but don't know what to do

10 replies

Moomin · 10/02/2006 10:15

Since dd1 started pre-school in sept i've made friends with two other mums in particular. we hit it off from the start and we go for coffee quite often when the kids are at school.

this morning one of them said that she was off to the doctor's today as she really can't cope any more. she's told us that her ds is a handful (horrible at home but lovely at school) and her dh is worse than useless - nice bloke but oblivious to her feelings and doesn't help out with the kids much (she also has a dd who's nearly 2). her ds is still having tantrums with her at age 4 and she's told us that he hits and kicks her. her ds sleeps in her bed and her dh sleeps in their ds's room! it's clear that there are some issues with the way he sees his mum but i can't go all 'supernanny' and suggest where she's 'going wrong' with him, as it's not my place and i'm not an expert, although obviously i have my opinions.

the way she was talking it ws clear that she's very close to the edge and she had tears in her eyes. me and the other mum had a chat after she'd gone and we thought we'd ask her out for a drink over half term just locally, one evening so she can get some more stuff off her chest if she needs to and get away from home for a couple of hours. but other than that i don't really know what i can do to help. obviously i don't know her that well so i can't get too involved, but would like to show her a bit of support as it's hard to see her struggling and she's such a lovely person. any other suggestions?

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Rhubarb · 10/02/2006 10:18

I'd say that you were a lovely person!

I dunno about suggestions really. Would you be willing to look after her kiddies at some point to give her a break? Or invite her to yours and subtly tell her how you do things? She might be grateful for another opinion, but you'd have to tread carefully at first.

sassy · 10/02/2006 10:22

Major threas hijack here...

We've lost our lovely house in Northwick, Moomin! Am absolutely gutted. basically there's been some personal problems between dh's dad and the other partner and its not appropriate for us to have it any more. Boo hoo.

(Hope you're all ok, BTW)

AS for your friend, sounds like tea (or gin) and sympathy is the best thing for her, at least until you know a bit more. Poor thing.

Cristina7 · 10/02/2006 10:25

I've been reading through "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (A faber & e Mazlish) and it has some really good ideas. No immediate results as it's usually the parents' behaviour that needs changing first and we are all set in our ways. We're slowly putting the ideas into practice and it's working. Our DS is 6.

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Original poster

Moomin · 10/02/2006 10:36

blimey sassy! will ring you a a bit

Good suggestion of book cristina. i've been reading 'the secret of happy children' by steve biddolph and it tackles the reasons behind some kids' behaviour, so that kind of thing might be useful at some point. however, i think i could do with a book called 'the secret of happy parents' for this lady. i might suggest that book to her that you're reading though, if the opportunity arises. don't want to seem patronising though

she has made comments sometimes to me about how i discipline dd1. she (the mum) helped out at pre-school a while ago and she said she was very impressed with dd1's manners and the way she behaved. she then said 'well i spose you're really good at discipline seeing as you're a teacher?' i remarked what a sweet little boy her ds was and she then told me that he was lovely at school but awful at home. it just sounds like he has no respect for her at all, she has no back-up from her dh (i know what my dh would say if he was told he was sleeping in dd's cabin bed until further notice!) and she hasn't the strength to tackle ds. her little girl is a sweetheart but is teething at the moment and wakes several times a night so this lady is knackered as well.

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Marina · 10/02/2006 10:41

Second Cristina's book recommendation - it is SO good.
Tantrums at 4 are not uncommon, so I hope she doesn't feel that her child is the only one on the planet still doing this. I've seen plenty in my time...
Moomin, if you can lay your hands on a copy, leaf through it and make it look like you have used it yourself (IYSWIM), then when you have her over for that much needed drink you can offer it to her on loan, as it were.
You sound like a great friend in need. Poor soul - isn't it amazing how we struggle with this sort of thing at home and think we are the only ones failing

Original poster

Moomin · 10/02/2006 15:37

well i saw her again today when we picked the kids up from pre-school. she'd seen her gp who was very sympathetic. she's on ADs already but he also referred her for counselling which should be within 10 days, i was very impressed with the speed of it and i hope it helps her out.

The kids came out of school each with a little packet of sweets (ARGHHH this tradition for birthdays drives me mad) so all the kids are asking if they can have theirs and if they can't why not because such-and-such is eating his, etc. The 3 of us told ours that they wouldn't be having any until after lunch. when my friend told her ds this he went ballistic, kicking her, hanging off her coat, hitting her. it was awful. we tried to distract him but didn't want to interfere too much so i told her to take some deep breaths and we tried to make light of it. I could see she was close to tears so i just grabbed her ds and said 'c'mon, XX, you come to our house for your lunch.' i was going out after lunch but thought just to have some space for half an hour would be better than none so I took him and dd off and they were good as gold at my house. He was lovely - played nicely with dd and had lovely table manners. I told him what a good boy he'd been and that i'd tell his mummy so.

Luckily when i dropped him off her dh had come home and was taking him swimming, their dd was asleep so she said she was going to bed for a bit, which she admitted she didn't usually do as she felt so guilty but i told her to get some kip.

we're seeing her for a drink next week. here's hoping she's on the first steps to feeling better. [fingers crossed]

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lucyhoneybee · 11/02/2006 00:24

Our town has a behaviour support team you can self refer to; they help parents and children work together supportively and it's run by the local authority. friends have used it and it's excellent. your school would know if there is something similar there. is it an issue in school because if so they may have suggestions- if not and it is just directed at her, i hate to suggest it but has he seen anyone else behave this way to her and learnt to do the same?y'no what I mean?Talking to 2 close friends one day they both casually mentioned having been concussed by partners; i know one of the guys concerned and he is quiet,polite and sweet..except sometimes. They were actually laughing about this awful coincidence.. Get to know her better, she might really need a friend-i ended up having to help my friend move with an hour's notice after her nose broke one day.. I'm sorry if I'm worrying you, I hope I'm wrong but the kid is obviously hurting somewhere to be doing this. good luck, you are a good person to try to help and I'm sure that will be a comfort to her.

JanH · 11/02/2006 00:44

Well you and she can take comfort from the fact that he behaved beautifully for you, Moomin - if there have to be behavioural probs, that's the right way round to have them. (I used to know a child who was horrible, everywhere except at home, and his mother thought he was an angel!)

Agree with rhuby and Marina, you are being a great friend, and it doesn't sound irretrievable at all - they have got stuck in a rut and he has issues with her (maybe to do with the dd?) but nothing that can't be fixed.

mrsflowerpot · 11/02/2006 08:08

Will second (third?) the book recommendation. My ds went through a phase of this sort of behaviour in his pre-school year, also directed mainly at me and also coinciding with the impending arrival of dd. It was awful and the worst thing was it made me feel like such a failure. I used to think that everyone would be thinking how awful he was and what a crap mother I was and that made me react badly to him so it went on and on... it's so easy to get stuck in that rut and the book did help me get a handle on what was going on.

I had a fabulous friend who did much as you are, giving me lots of tea and sympathy and spotting when I was tired and almost not coping when pg and taking him off my hands. She also made a big point of telling me often what a lovely child he was which sounds silly but really really helped at a time when I could only see the bad behaviour. (She was fab and you sound like you are too.)

poppiesinaline · 11/02/2006 08:39

Yep, I've read that book too. Would recommend it as well. And 1 2 3 Magic by Thomas Phelan saved my life too.

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