DD (9) is faking illnesses to take time off school, and I am not sure how to deal with it.

[KisMittz]

She had a phase of this around christmas 2010 and school and I 'sorted' it.

DS(14) suffers from migraines and has had quite a few intermittent days off since Christmas. He also has a lot of 'issues' that have had a lot of attention.

I am very aware of the impact that this has on DD so try to balance things out. And focus fair attention on her.

DS had Tuesday off despite only having started back Monday but he was very ill for about 36 hours.

DD is 'faking' a lot, (despite having asthma which on balance she gets equal attention over, as it gets quite bad). And I am getting frustrated . This morning, she 'faked' tummy ache on the way to school, and I was petty sure she was putting it on, but am and how to deal with it because
a/ there is a 'root' to her need for attention that needs addressing.

b/a number of times she has been so convincing that I have had to take time off work (for which I then don't get paid), only to discover she was messing me about.

I was getting to the point after 20 mins of slow walking, with her putting on stomach cramps, limping in pain, tears, begging to go home because it was real.. when I thought we would have to go back. A friend of hers came around a corner and she let go of my hand, warily but almost cheerfully announced she was putting it on.

I am useless at this sort of parenting because I feel so guilty so easily; and told her she had to stay in tonight because if I had had to come home and cancel work, she would have had to anyway (they are not allowed out to play after a day off school 'sick', )

Is this harsh? As I am aware of there being underlying issues but she needs to learn..

Help please? Thanks in advance x

I don't know what to suggest but I didn't want to read and run...I am sorry you are going through this and hope someone here can offer some advice.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into the psychological issues around all of it, and the fact she admitted to you that she had been putting it on seems significant to me - not sure why but in a good way.

I think you're doing something right, put it like that.
You sound like a nice, balanced mum.

Thank you x

You're not being harsh and I think the only underlying issue is 'attention-seeking' and 'sagging off school'. She clearly sees the time off & attention her big brother gets as being a good thing... conveniently forgetting I suppose that he is suffering. I'd suggest rewarding good behaviour with a lot more attention... days out together and that kind of thing. Feigning illness should get ignored. OK maybe 1 in 10 times she might be genuinely ill but that's the risk you take when you have a 'Boy Who Cried Wolf'.

we have just had a chat and she has said sorry.
We have an afternoon out planned on sunday and to be fair, we do really well.
It's often the guilt that gets me

I had this with DS1 aged about 10. I was so worried about his recurring stomach aches and fatigue that I took him to the GP.

After the Gp confirmed that there was no underlying problem, I was ruthless about sending him to school unless there was actual evidence of illness, like vomiting or temperature.

Occasionally I got it wrong, but I told him it was his fault for all the times he cried wolf.

DS does this sometimes (albeit fairly half heartedly - no tears). I tell him he MUST go to school, but can phone home at any time he likes and I will always come and get him. He never does (ok that's a lie, he did once, quite recently, but that time it was genuine! )

I also find it helpful to attend to any possible underlying reasons for this essentially attention-seeking/school-phobic behaviour. I talk to his teacher about it, to see what she's noticed, and make sure to spend some dedicated "king of the house" time with him (where we spend an evening at the weekend doing exactly what he wants: he gets to have his favourite dinner and we play board games or Wii or read books all night)

Why do you feel guilty? Because you work? Because DS gets more than his share of your attention? Because you don't believe her (even though you're right)?

I don't have experience of this ad a mother, but if we were ill as children it was understood we would be spending the day in bed, with a few books, no toys, no tv and very bland food. All meals in bed and no playing with our sisters (if they were ill too).

Unbelievably dull, unless you were actually ill!

Might be worth making being off school as dull as possible to make it very unappealing.

God I must be such a hard hearted witch . Mine never get to take time off school... They need to be really really ill.

I only let DS1 have 2 days off the week before half term in Feb because of all the work he would have to catch up on. He was not able to use his iMac at all or the web and had to stay either in bed or on the settee. Definitely no going out after tea. To be fair to him, he was really poorly and went back to school and en spent the whole of half term on the settee.

Mittz, you are a fantastic mum, but sometimes you need to put you before them

I feel guilty because... DS had massive anger management issues that impacted on her enormously. And however balanced I tried to be (their Dad left because of the situation) he did get a huge amount of attention, there were times I couldn't physically balance out dealing with DS's anger, making sure DD got her needs met, working, running a house, doing the school runs,..... there just wasn't enough of me and time.

It is like she feels the need to have her own 'drama' even when she is getting positive attention from me.
DS, has now calmed down considerable, and is out a lot so DD and I do a lot together, from reading, looking at books, feeding ducks, role play , singing, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough and she can't 'let' go.

So I can spend an hour with her at bedtime, reading, chatting etc, but as soon as I say goodnight she also starts then with ailments, I suppose to delay the actual 'goodnight' bit.

It did stop during the Easter Holiday when we were together almost constantly apart from when she was at clubs for part of the first week and the time she spent with her Dad.

We walk to school; it takes about 15/20 mins and usually we sing, do maths games, spot animals on the river, tackle the crocodile pit...

Utter sympathy OP. I too have a drama queen (but otherwise well behaved) daughter with older, difficult brothers. Unfortunately I was so used to brushing through her 'Monday tummy ache' that the genuine appendicitis nearly went undiagnosed.

And now every time she has a stomach cramp, we get the wail of 'Last time you didn't believe me I ENDED UP IN HOSPITAL!' (to which the ony answer is 'Isn't it lucky you don't have another appendix left then?'

Hello Bella lovely x

When ill they are confined to bed, and I have been known to send them to school ill and get calls..

With DD the first time it was the school sending her home generally, and we settled it eventually.

She has been 'confined' to her room this evening, and now understands why,

I'm always a bit sad to read that people deliberately make their kids' lives very dull when they are ill. I am much nicer to my children if they're ill. I treat it like, 'Yes! you've got a day off! let's do something good!'

Well unless I have other stuff to do but I can generally be upbeat and attentive for the first day or so, anyway.

Saying that I'm not brilliantly fun the rest of the time

Just wanted to write this because ds1 is the most keen to be at school child you can imagine, who cries when he can't go. He's bonkers. But my attitude doesn't make him pretend to be ill. Quite the opposite I think!

Maybe it depends on individual children's personalities and their motivations etc, I'm not sure. It sounds like you have sorted this episode out alright though.

I think you could separate the issues and deal with them individually, although obviously they do impact on each other.

So, school. Unless they are obviously ill (vomiting, high temperature, broken bones etc.) my dcs go to school. If they are ill at school, the school will contact me. So I always say, go to school and see how you go.

You need to be very no nonsense, matter-of-fact when saying this. If she says her tummy hurts just say something like, 'well see how you go'. Don't give lots of attention and sympathy at this stage. Just bustle about getting ready and get on your way. If she won't walk, walk on ahead of her. If possible, talk about other stuff to distract her but keep it upbeat and casual, not over the top.

Don't offer rewards in return for going to school. It's ok to say we can do something fun at the weekend, but not during the 'faking' stage because it will reinforce her belief that being ill gets you good stuff.

If she is ill I agree that being home should be as boring as possible, stay in bed, no tv. Just rest, reading or sleep. Very little attention from you.

When she's clingy try not to join in. Try to make separation a very basic, no fuss, 'this is what we do', sort of thing. If you try and compensate, she will think that she is right to make a fuss. It's confusing and difficult to explain in text but try to keep things light-hearted.

Lastly, different children have different needs at different times in their lives so try not to run yourself ragged dividing yourself 'equally' all the time. Sometimes we have to take a back seat in life and children need to learn this.

You are doing everything you can, there is no way you should feel guilty. You need to look after yourself as well and whilst children are generally pretty self-centred most of the time, they can start to appreciate that you have needs too.

Let your dc look after you for once. Do they ever make you a cup of tea or help around the house? Your ds is old enough to cook dinner once a week. They will get enormous satisfaction from your very obvious (and genuine) appreciation when they do something for you and this is brilliant for raising self-esteem.