How do you deal with your anger management and parenting?

[turtles]

Since having dc's I've realised I have anger management issues, it was never an issue before. I used to work with special needs kids so know that I have the knowledge and skills. The problem is I'm struggling to control my anger and frustration while disciplining my kids or dealing with potty training. The traditional advice of 'walk away/leave the room' just doesn't work when my kids are jumping on top of each other or my 2yr old has weed all over the floor again.

I'm excercising, talking with someone who's been in a very similar situation, I get a lot of help and support with babysitting when I need it, I'm trying to sort out my hormonal contraception (sends me even more loopy) but still can't stop loosing it with my kids and their behaviour. I've looked into counselling but getting something organised created so much extra stress that I gave up. I despair sometime when I think back over my day and really don't know what to do anymore. Things have got easier now my oldest is 4yrs old but I don't want to wait another 3 years till my youngest gets to that age.

Sorry about the special needs phrasing, I meant to put kids with profound disabilities to mean I have quite a lot of experience with behaviour management.

My 2yr old is not too young for potty training (he's nearly 3, he can stay dry but just gets distracted a lot), I do pick my battles. Ds2 is pushing me to my limit because he is one of those spirited kids that finds it difficult to focus and concentrate on anything other than playing, climbing, singing, dancing, jumping so potty training and dealing with the consequences of his behaviour aren't part of his agenda!

I'm just wondering how to deal with my own issues so I can be the parent I should be.

I think I have anger management issues too :( so watching with interest.

I struggle with this too. It has been ongoing since having DC#2. I have to constantly try to control my frustration by being aware of how my anger could affect my DC. I think it is hard for many of us parents, but we have to cope as best we can and try to put on the happy face for the kids. Hard!

You mentioned exercise, have you looked at other areas of your life? For example, are you drinking a lot of coffee, wine or eating a lot of sugar? I've read there's a link between an overworked liver and anger. Maybe something like a switch to tea or a short term healthy diet cleanse could help.

Do you only get angry when you're at home with the DCs or when you're out too? I sometimes try to imagine that I'm in public with people watching me to try to calm myself down if I feel like I'm going to lose it with the DCs.

Have you considered meditation? I've not tried it but one of my friends swears by it.

I've considered my diet and meditation, I also have a relaxation CD which has been sitting on the shelf untouched but by the time the kids are in bed the evening runs away with me. I need to get out the house to achieve anything but struggle with childcare and nursery pick up/drop offs.

I've had a good week but now on a bad week so just when I think things are on the up they come crashing back down again. There are certain events that trigger big emotional downs so I feel like I've got things under control then I loose it again.

I do often imagine I'm back at work because it was a residential care home and I did a good job so I know I can do it, it's only when I'm home alone with the kids that all my frustration comes out and then I see my frustration and anger being mirrored in my 2yr old who is hard work at the best of times!

Do remember that you aren't required not to feel angry, that you are only required not to make it your DCs' problem. It might be worth trying to practice being still and regulating your breathing while feeling enraged. Meditational practices foster this kind of capacity. If you think it is true that you should not have to tolerate angry feelings then you might want to investigate your beliefs about what feeling a certain way means. IYSWIM

With your 2 year old, you could practice empathy, where you don't try and change but acknowledge fully (without trying to fix) their feelings. I have a 15mo DS who is just moving into an age where frustration can absolutely floor him, and though it is tempting to try to calm him immediately, by distracting him from or relieving the source of his frustration, much more effective is letting him feel what he feels fully and offering sympathy. He is able to move on from such things quickly and I know that I am giving him a good and loving experience of feeling confirmed and acknowledged. I have found this very healing because my own well meaning parents would not 'let' me feel my feelings and respond by censoring, dismissing or becoming enraged by them, and so as an adult I had to work to put into place strategies for managing feelings like anger, which they had inadvertently taught me were unmanageable.

Good luck x

I see exactly what you mean. I'm slowly starting to realise what my anger means but it's hard to find a good listening ear with the right answers that doesn't cost £60 and involve juggling childcare, and it feels like too much to burden my DH with because he just doesn't know what to say or suggest.

My 2yr old's behaviour is a very clear response to my moods. The problem is the anger is then with myself for being too busy to give him the right attention at the right time. His negative behaviour can pretty much always be avoided if there is someone there to guide him at the right moment but I just can't be there all the time. I also find it difficult to get him to see the consequences of his behaviour - baby is screaming because my 2yr old thumped him/pushed him over but my 2yr old is twirling round and singing on the 'thinking' step having clearly 'forgotten' why he's there!

I feel like I spend all day telling him how he's feeling and discussing it with him, but it's not stopping him from getting frustrated and lashing out at the baby who just wants to rough and tumble with him all day. Our house is very open plan so they find it difficult to have a space they can go that keeps their siblings out!