HELP!! Stressing about leaving 8mth old with grandparents for 1st time..

[SHHHH]

To most this is probably a nonsence issue.. but for me it's a major worry.

Our dd is our 1st and is 8 months old. Up to now we have not had the need to leave her with either of my or dh's parents. We haven't wanted to either. Both sets are vvvvvvv keen to look aftre dd "alone" and I am sure both are capable of it BUT something inside of me won't let go of dd...

I am suffering with pnd which I don't think helps. My mum has made comments which she doesn't mean any harm but I feel like it's a kick at me and a push iykwim.

I have text dh today to suggest maybe we should leave dd with our parents to try and shut them up and to try and prove to everyone we are NORMAL.
My main worry about leaving dd is that I worry she will love them more than she does me (I am a sahm) and that she will have more fun with them than me. I think I will be jealous knowing she is doing things I am not there to watch or to join in with. I know I sound controlling but at least I am being honest...

HELP..!!! I am driving myself mad with it..Anyone else felt/feeling the same..?

I thought about arranging something for next week to "get it over and done with"

I think you should plan to do something fairly quick and easily got out of (eg a drink at the pub, a walk with dh) so that if you are not comfortable when you leave dd, you can go back relatively quickly. But I do think you should do something, simply because I do not think you have any reason to fear leaving your dd with GPs. I think your worries are PND related, so forcing yourself to do something is not to please anyone else, but to help yourself get better.

You say you are suspicious of why the GPs want to spend time alone with dd. It is because they are her GPs and a child does not just have a relationship with its parents, but hopefully also with its grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. The relationship won't be as important as her relationship with you, but it is important IMO.

thanks stacey.

NP don't get me wrong our parents see dd every week and it's the fact that my mum made a comment about "visiting to a timetable" that has made me think about giving them what they want iykwim.

I go out with mum 1-2 times a week with dd shopping etc so she sees even more than pil. I really couldn't face though seeing both sets of parents every weekend for walks or pub lunches etc...I suppose I just want my dh and dd to myself .

are you close to your mum? can you talk to her?

tell her you need her to be there for some company now and again, shes your mum and you need her, shes not just dd's gran these days

tell her you need her to understand that you feel protective over dd and that you want her by your side. hopefully she will remember what it was like having a wee babe.

tell her you would love her to come and visit dd AND YOU! not just dd

I suppose I watch my niece and nephew with my parents and see how much they love each other (12 and 14 yrs old). My niece and nephew are much better with old people as a result of this relationship. They love to spend time asking about their family with my parents and their roots and love to know where they have come from.

I wasn't close to my gp's either (various reasons too) but I love the relationship my parents have with my niece and nephew and I suppose I just want the same for ds.

I can see that may not be true for everyone though

crossed posts shhhh

lonelymum, but why do grandparents insist on looking after lo's on their own?

ive never understood it

I actually discussed it with my mum today. She replied that "she doesn't understand where I am coming from but would never put me down over it" !!!! LOL!!!

My mum is usually brill with me and dd and comes to visit with flowers for me or kisses for me and dd. Its usually pil who are all for dd. Many a time we don't even get a brew when we take dd to visit! All phone calls revolve around dd.

I see what you are saying NP. Maybe they remember the days when they had little ones. Thats when dh reminds/tells me anyway.

yes i get that too shhhh

PIL's dont give a flying F**k about me!

just relax and let them gush

but dont be pushed into anything, let them moan all they want, as long as you and dh and dd are happy thats what matters

NP I think GPs want to be on their own with LOs because it is only when you are on your own with a baby (I mean, not with the parents too) that the LO will really turn to you and have a relationship with you. Do you really think your baby is yours alone? They are also part of the wider family and should have the opportunilty to be able to develop a relationship with whoever they want in that family.

I speak as someone on the other side of the fence in a way. My parents only occasionally see my children and my in laws ever less (in fact my PIL not at all as he never leaves Australia; my MIL comes over every summer and sees them then). Dh and I would love to have GPs who could take our children and give them a lovely time so we could go out and nuture our own relationship. Trouble is, my parents lead very active lives of their own, and are now in their 70s and we have 4 children so they really find having all four at once a trial.

For PIL, I meant FIL.

I have to say I really agree with lonelymum. My parents are in their early 80's and ds may not even remember them. I find this really sad and makes my visits to them very poignant.

Although I prefer to spend my weekends at home. I visit my parents with ds every 2-3 weeks and usually stay at 1-2 nights. I really want them to know him and vica versa.

PIL live a much further away and have less interest though they are very loving to him too - just that they are also in their 80's but less involved in life generally than my parents.

i can see what you mean lonelymum but my FIL is strange and i dont trust him or any others in dh's family

im also very lucky, my mum is round the corner and sees dd's nearly every day

I see what you all mean about gp's and getting old. Maybe because both my & dh parents are in late 50's we don't look that far ahead.

I have a differnt opinion though to you lonely mum."do you think your baby is yours alone" YES! I gave birth to her. .

Suppose the whole thing is knowing that everyone wants a share of her and thats something I personally need to come to terms with.

SHHH - no one wants a share in your baby - they just love her. She is part of them - one eigth of her is from them! The more people that childen have in their lives that love them the better IMV.

But if you're not ready yet don't push it. Are you having help/treatment for your PND?

My BIL said to my sister when they had their first "I knew we would love him, but I didn't realise how much your whole family would love him".

I think it's understandable that if you love a child you want to spend time with them. And a lot of people would LOVE having GPs around to offer to babysit!!

budababe I agree with your bil's comment...

About the pnd. I have been on medication for 2 months. I have been offered group counselling but dd would need to be left in hospital nursery for 3 hrs.!! .!!!! Going round in circles...

How about booking a nice pub or restaurant for lunch with your DH? You can choose somewhere v local to your Mum's. You will only be leaving her for a couple of hours and can enjoy some nice time with your DH.

I still find it hard to leave my DS but always enjoy myself once I do it!

Don't know what to say about the group counselling/nursery but except that my sis has had PND since she had her first (the wee boy I mentioned in my last post who is now 7!). She has 3 children now and has gone to hell and back. IMV she only had meds and not counselling. I feel she really woud have benefitted from the counselling.

So - how about taking the offer of counselling and asking grandparents to babysit? I would infinitely prefer to leave my DS with people who I know love him to a nursery. And my DS is now 4.5 and has STILL never been left with anyone he didn't know.

Just try to remember that your parents and your DH's parents LOVE your DD. Maybe spend a few weeks just thinking about that and watching them with her when you are around. It may put your mind at rest a bit.

And FWIW - I was my Grandmothers fav - and she spoilt me rotten. She used to visit twice a week and although I used to rush in to see if she was there when I came home from school (obv from cig smoke!!) - I would still want to see my Mum first and tell her about my day. Used to piss my Gran off big time!! You are your DDs Mum and always will be.

Shhhh - just want to say, I've been very similar, have stayed with DS most of the time (he's the same age), have only really left him with DP when he's awake, and not had anyone babysit unless I'd seen him off to bed myself. He's now started at nursery 1 day a week (which was a huge step for me!) but FWIW I would still feel nervous about leaving him with any family members. (Though I do think your DD will be fine - just saying I sympathise.)

One thing to remember - when your DD sees you again she will be glad to see you and she does love you most - but she may cry. DS does this sometimes when I get him from nursery - he reaches out to me, then when I hug him he gets a bit sorry for himself. I think it is a release and his way of telling me that I left him, and I just comfort him. It doesn't mean he loves the nursery staff more! - I'm sure of that - and I don't feel him going to nursery has affected how close we are.

aww its nice to know that you all understand how I feel and it's nice to know that I am not alone. I have sat thinking about this for ages and had to post today as it's been driving me mad...

Budababe over your gran story..I can see exactly what you mean. DH asked me the other day if I loved my gp's more or my friends parents etc just because I had spent time with them..suppose the answer was no....It's hard to get my head around the fact that although she is a baby and doesn't speak she communicates in other ways..I suppose I had the view that she doesn't know I am her me iykwim.

Snowleopard thats lovely to...If dd cried secretly I would be glad as to me it's a sign she's missed you..I suppose if dd hurts herself etc and I cuddle her and she stops crying it's the same feeling,comfort.

BTW I have spoken to dh about this issue and he says that we shouldn't rush into it and if I am keen on doing it then maybe we should consider it in a few weeks time..he doesn't feel the need to rush into it. His thought and feelings are similar to mine and he understands me. I will update you all soon. xx

budababe that was meant to be .. ooopss sorry. xx

god it's time for my bed..!!!

Was meant to read : "suppose I had the view that she doesn't know I am her mum iykwim. "