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Original poster

HELP!! Stressing about leaving 8mth old with grandparents for 1st time..

45 replies

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 13:43

To most this is probably a nonsence issue.. but for me it's a major worry.

Our dd is our 1st and is 8 months old. Up to now we have not had the need to leave her with either of my or dh's parents. We haven't wanted to either. Both sets are vvvvvvv keen to look aftre dd "alone" and I am sure both are capable of it BUT something inside of me won't let go of dd...

I am suffering with pnd which I don't think helps. My mum has made comments which she doesn't mean any harm but I feel like it's a kick at me and a push iykwim.

I have text dh today to suggest maybe we should leave dd with our parents to try and shut them up and to try and prove to everyone we are NORMAL.
My main worry about leaving dd is that I worry she will love them more than she does me (I am a sahm) and that she will have more fun with them than me. I think I will be jealous knowing she is doing things I am not there to watch or to join in with. I know I sound controlling but at least I am being honest...

HELP..!!! I am driving myself mad with it..Anyone else felt/feeling the same..?

I thought about arranging something for next week to "get it over and done with"

OP posts:

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littlerach · 09/02/2006 13:46

Do it.

Then you'll know that you can, and that she is fine, and you'll both get something out of it.

She won't love htem more than you. She will probably have a really nice time, but be so pleased to see you when you get her.

Plan something nice to do when she is there, something that you wouldn't be able to do with her around.

madmarchhare · 09/02/2006 13:48

I would say dont do anything you dont want to just to try and make other people feel better.

lazycow · 09/02/2006 13:51

Just go for it - Leave her for an hour or two and go out - have a meal/see a film. Go somewhere close to the granparents you choose.

the reasons you give for not wanting to leave your dd seem to come from the pnd not from any real concerns about leaving her.

I also had pnd- I really did find that it helped to get away just for a short time.

Also now that ds is 14 months it is wonderful to see how much he loves his grandparents. This is a good thing for him but there is NO WAY they will ever replace me in his affections I am his mum and he knows that.

You are her mum, babies recognise the smell of their mums and their voices from the day they are born. they know who you are and no-one can replace that. There is no way anyone can take that place.

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WigWamBam · 09/02/2006 13:51

Don't give in to pressure to do this if you're not 100% certain that you want to. Grandparents wanting to be involved is lovely, and I'm sure that you'll really appreciate it when you're ready to leave her with them, but don't let them push you into something that you don't sound ready for. It might be best to leave it for a few weeks until you feel that you're ready - and then you have more chance of enjoying the time off.

Bozza · 09/02/2006 13:52

Definitely will not love them more than you. Hopefully will have fun because that's the whole idea of staying at grandparents isn't it.

Personally I was always more worried that either of mine wouldn't settle for grandparents, or wouldn't take their milk, or have a nap or whatever. Not that they would have a good time.

MrsBigD · 09/02/2006 13:53

I go with mad and little... if you absolutely don't want to do it don't. But rest assured... your dd will not love her grandparents more than you simply for spending a few days with them!

And maybe the break will do you good. Don't worry about dd being fine... she'll be looked after by people who love her and are sure to change and feed her

We left dd with my dad for the weekend when she was 6 months old... it went reasonably well, except for my dad hasn't offered again since and that was over 3 years ago . DD was a terrible sleeper and my dad is the type that hybernates! But still it went well and the break did dh and me good

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 13:54

i know how hard this is, i was exactly the same, i was even suspicious of why my in-laws wanted to look after dd1 alone (i had no probs with my own mum)

the 1st time i did it me and dh went out for a lunch, we were away for 2 hrs and i made sure dd1 was tired so she would sleep the whole time!

its extremely hard, i would say do it the first few times during the day and make sure you keep yourself busy, dont just wander round the shops on your own.

go to the hairdressers or something, that would take your mind of it, or even do your weekly shop around the supermarket

and there is no way on this earth your baby will love anyone more than her mummy and daddy dont think things like that

lazycow · 09/02/2006 13:57

Shhh - I know people have said don't do it if you are not ready- and obviously only you can make the decision. However if you don't expect too much and you stay close by you should be fine. .

The first time I left ds with gp I couldn't relax at all - we went to see a film 5 mins walk from my parents house. However the second time it was easier and after that I enjoyed it.

If 1-2 hrs is too long, how about going for a visit and just leaving her with them while you go for a walk - say 20 minutes.

Please don't however do this to prove you are normal. Do it because you believe it is the best thing to do for you and your daughter.

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 13:59

thanks for the advice. NP I also think the same about my pil. They can't wait for us to have more babies and that gets me suspicious...kind of like they want a new so they can have the old iykwim..!!

I though exactly the same about leaving dd whenn i know she will sleep but felt bad for thinking this...DH & i will go for a meal and dd will stay at ours so suppose it's more on our "terms".

OP posts:

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:01

what does your dh say shhhh? lazycow is right, DONT DO IT TO PROVE YOURSELF TO OTHERS, do it for yourself, when you are happy and comfortable with it, otherwise you will be upset

i would also add that it helps sometimes if the grandparents are babysitting at your house, not theirs, then baby can nap in her own bed etc

dont also force yourself not to phone them, phone them every 5 minutes if you like, there is no law and who cares if anyone makes comments? its your baby

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 14:04

thing is...(please don't all shout at me..) I don't quite see or believe it will be the best thing..... How can it be..? Surely being with her mum or dad is the best?

OP posts:

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:07

another thing you can do is book your meal (i assume its an evening meal) really really late (lie and say they were busy and the only times available were 930pm or whatever) so that you know baby is bathed, fed, cuddled and fast asleep by the time you leave

if you go out for lunch then just before you leave say something like "oh we usually go for a walk round the park about this time" and hand them dd's coat

thats if dd is not napping

maybe i shouldnt be saying these things but i have ways and means with my FIL, it just gives me reassurance

let us know how you get on shhhh

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 14:07

you are right np. Thing is we have friends with babis the same age and they do things so differently..sometimes I feel as though it's me who's doing things wrong..

Baby doesn't stay at gp, I don't work, I have pnd,I want to be with dd 24/7 etc..

Dh is brilliant and says he will do whatever I want to. He knows how I feel and know's how hard it is for me. He is quite protected over dd as well amd after x2 mc it's understandable but I think because he works it's easier for him to leave her. He hasn't been with her 24/7 since birth. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Plus he knows she's with me.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:08

yes exactly (re your last post)

why should you go for a meal if you dont want to? just to satisfy others?

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 14:10

NP it's scary how much you think similar to me...! When I go out with the girls I am usually the one booking the meal or making arrangements and I ALWAYS ARRANGE IT FROM 8PM ONWARDS when I know dd has been bathed,fed and is in bed! Not because dh is not capable or I don't trust him but so I can ago out knowing she is ok.

I will book it for later on. I will let you all know what happens..if it does happen!

OP posts:

Bozza · 09/02/2006 14:10

Do you leave her with DH sometimes?

Bozza · 09/02/2006 14:11

Oops - cross post there.

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:11

shhhh, i am a sahm too, i want to be there for my dd's, i have hardly ever left them with other people, i am happy with that

if we go out for a meal we take dd's with us

saying that, you are feeling down just now and could do with time off, even though you probably dont know it

do you get any time to yourself? do you get to go out and about on your own (dd at home with dh)? book an appt at the hairdressers, go for a walk, just on your own. and leave dd with dh, forget and PIL just now

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:12

forget about PIL, that should read

lazycow · 09/02/2006 14:13

Shhh

If you feel like that then maybe you shouldn't do it yet. However the reasons you gave at first were about worrying she would love others more.

I believe that children really benefit from close relationships to other adults (I appreciate not everyone else believes that).

I've always thought that for a child to be close to their grandparents is fantastic (I know this is not always possible and I am assuming that the grandparents are loving people). The earlier you start this the better in my view - but remember that is only my view.

Your dd is still young though and has plenty of time to bond with her grandparents later so you certainly don't have to leave her now if you don't want to.

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 14:15

No probs bozza.

NP yes I do leave dd with dh. Usually a few times a month when I get my nails done every few months when I get my hair done. Usually for an hour a time He's brilliant and I know he is capable of looking after her.
If I need to pop into town and want it to be a quickie I will also leave dd with dh. TBH he doesn't have a problem and loves it in fact.

Usually though I try and do what I can with dd during the week so we have time at weekends as a family.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 09/02/2006 14:15

lazy cow is right (again!)

children need to socialise to learn skills, and its usually friends and family. but your dd shhhh can socialise with her grandparents while you and dh are there, they dont have to have her alone.

maybe the grandparents are feeling left out, arrange some visits to them, and you can all go for a walk together, or out for a nice family lunch (just try and let your mum push the pram! she will be delighted)

staceym11 · 09/02/2006 14:19

there is nothing to say wanting to be with your baby is bad.....my dd is 15month and im a sahm, we could do with the money from me working but i couldnt bear to be without dd, it took me till she was about 10 month to leave her and now its easier, but do what feels right for you.

she is your baby and you should do what you feel happy with!

Original poster

SHHHH · 09/02/2006 14:19

LC, I think underneath is also the issue about me not seeing a reason to be with gp.. I suppose because I didn't have a close relationship with my gp (different reasons) I don't see the benefits. I haven't grown up any different or know any different I supppose.

Mum says I saw my gp's virtully daily when a few years old for about 1 yr but I was too young to remember it. Maybe that's another reason.

OP posts:

lazycow · 09/02/2006 14:20

great idea nailpolish - Maybe we should start a mutual appreciation society

Maybe that way they will feel left out but you don't have to leave your dd yet. Definitley let them push the pram and maybe hold her a lot(while you are there)

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