Feel like I've got this whole parenting malarkey all WRONG :(

[ZimboMum]

So, DS is 17mo and I just feel like I've done everything wrong:

1. Sleep - he still feeds to sleep and despite halfhearted attempts at getting him to go to sleep on his own nothing else but boob will do it. If he's any less than fully asleep when I put him in his cot he stands up howling and holding his hands up before i've even turned my back. Once asleep he is usually a pretty good sleeper and sleeps from 7.30ish to 4ish and then in bed with us for a 15-20 min (used to be 30 min!) feed and then back asleep pretty reliably until 7. If I try and feed him in his room he simply refuses to go back in his cot. He's never been a great napper and now we arrange things so that he has a nap before lunch either in his pushchair or the car and he usually has about an hour. Just wish I had tackled the whole sleep thing this time last year. Don't want to make it a big issue, but not sure what to do - do some DCs just grow out of feeding to sleep or do i have to do something about it?

1. Food - if he could live on fresh air he would. He seems to have no interest in food. If we spoon it in (things like risotto, curry, pasta) he will eat a decent amount, but faced with a fishfinger, some peas and some potato he almost gives up before he begins. Now wish i had done BLW and maybe he would like finger foods and eating on his own. He also seems (to me) to have a limited diet with flat out refusal to try anything new most days. Not sure what to do.

1. Separation Anxiety - I can barely move from one room to another without full on tears if he's not immediately behind me and woebetide if I want to be in the kitchen and he wants to be in the lounge. I have no problem with lots of cuddles and happy to carry him on my hip and show him what I'm doing, but just worried that he doesn't feel securely attached to me and that I did something wrong :(

He is happy to wave me off if he is with the favoured parent dad or if with MIL or FIL (both LOVELY by the way :) !) But when I drop him round at my parents for the day that my DM looks after him whilst I'm at works we have floods and floods of tears when I leave. Feels like i've tried everything. Mum says he does cheer up pretty much as soon as i've gone, but I just hate the initial howling as I'm leaving.

1. Talking - his only word is dada, although he will say mumumum, as loong as he is not looking at me . He walked early (11mths) and is eager to know what things are, but just seems to have no interest in talking. He gets by by pointing and crying :( Read somewhere that no words by 16 mths is a red flag for speech delay and the NHS green book says by 18 mths they should have 6-20 recognisable words. Well, he has exactly 32 days to learn another 4 words

So. Is it all doomed? Am I a failure? How do I get back to feeling like i'm the parent and that i'm not ruining his life? :(

and if you've made it this far

Hello,

Take heart, you are doing a great job! Parenting is a tough job and we all do the best we can. Nothing you describe is a disaster and most can be fixed if you want.

1. By 17mos sleep training can really work, there are lots of options from the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' to the more hardcore controlled crying. At this age with my two DS's we just got a bit ignorey when they made a fuss and that seemed to work but if you have a specific problem prob best to look into the tactics and pick one that suits you best and commit to it.
2. Sounds like a typical toddler to me. My two year old eats NO vegetables unless they are stirred into stuff and quite frequently rejects what is put into him whereas his big bro would live off brocoli if he could.
3. Also sounds pretty normal, you just have to put head down on this one and they tend to grow out of it.
4. All children develop at a different rate and my 2 year old has only recently begun talking and now can't stop. If you are really worried menton it to your health visitor but I think it is not unusual for children not to say much before 2.

In sum think 17 months is a tricky time because they are not babies but not quite toddlers either. A bit of encouragement from you to show them how to be a big boy with sleeping, eating etc should help them become more independent, especially if you make it excitng!

Good Luck!

I think the separation anxiety is linked to bad sleeping. My 14 month old will sleep until midnight in his own cot and then comes in with us, If I keep him in his cot he wakes up hourly! Tackling his sleep when he was younger might have made no difference, I night weaned at 4 months and DS slept through until 7 months but is now worse than he was as a newborn!

OP, your DS sounds EXACTLY like my DD at that age (expect she wouldn't even go to DH most of the time, it really was me or nothing). I started working 2 days a week around that time and had to prise her off me and run out the door, both of us in tears. She ate nothing (like 1 grape, half a breadstick) and basically sleep on the boob.

Fast forward 6 months and she happily waves me off to work, has just eaten a big bowl of chilli and jacket potato for dinner, adores DH and her grandparents. Still prefers to sleep on the boob but will at least go to bed nicely and sleep for 5 hours or so before I have to get in bed with her (oh well you can't have everything!)

Oh and she wasn't much of a talker at all - but when it came (from about 21 months or so) it all seemed to come very quickly and she's a chatter box now!

Thank you all for your replies - good to hear that others ate/have been in the same boat and that I'm not doing con

...that I'm not doing everything wrong.

Sorry for posting too soon.

I still feed to sleep and my LO is 2 next week! She also still wakes up for milk sometimes. I get comments, but occasionally I meet a mum who does the same and that makes me feel better. I think the problem is comparing yourself to other mums, who claim this or that amazing parental feat (I have never got mine to sleep in a cot by the way so you're one up on me).

My LO also said barely anything, and certainly not mummy (she called me daddy, still does sometimes!), until about a month ago and now she says actual sentences. She also went through a phase of barely eating anything, and is always an absolute dream for her Dad and grandparents, and only ever grumpy when I'm around. If I am anything to go by they'll probably still be like that when they're in their thirties!

Grumpy with their mums that is (not the other stuff, just to clarify!)

You sound like you are doing brilliantly with the parenting malarkey just wanted to answer the talking point as ds is/was a late talker. Also walked at 11 months and hasn't kept still since
He only had mamamama and dadadad sounds but he did babble and make noises. Does your ds make other noises and babble even if not recognisable? And oh yes we had the point and scream. He is 2.4 now and a lot of his words are still not recognisable as "English" but I know what he means. But he's getting there and so will your ds. Hv said to me they don't generally worry until they're 2. If he has a few words by then even ones that don't sound like the proper word ie buh for bus or moo for milk then I wouldn't worry. can't shut ds up and he's just started putting 2 words together like red car and sorry mumma and is still learning new words everyday. So proud as it's taken a long time.
What I'm saying is if he try's to communicate and can understand what you say then don't worry. Sorry have rambled on by hope it makes sense.

, DS is 17mo and I just feel like I've done everything wrong:

1. Sleep - DD is nearly 21 months, she feeds back to sleep when she wakes 3 or 4 times a night.

1. Food - DD just did not eat from about 11mo - 18 mo, she now has off days but usually eats at least what i do for breakfast or lunch, she has a full BF at 6.30ish, bowl of cereal at 7.30ish, snack at 10, BF for nap at 11.30, lunch (sizeable) at about 1, snack before 3, light supper at 4.30, BF at 5 and 7.

And 11pm, and 1am, and 3am, and 5am and then back to 6.30 wakeup!!!

1. Separation Anxiety - this is normal - check out the wonder weeks, they go through phases as well, we have just gone through a week of sadness at drop offs but then this week back to running in without a backwards glance!

1. Talking - DD says just maybe 3 word - daddy/yum/wow and she signs perhaps 6/7 more. BUT. Her comprehension (receptive language) is approximately 6 mo+ ahead of her age. So focus on how much your son understands and enable other forms of communication. They say that babies are walkers or talkers and it sounds like your DS in like DD in that she walked early but then communicates non verbally for the most part.

You are not all doomed. There is some evidence apparently to suggest that babies that are very close to their main caregiver speak later because they can make themselves understood without speech. You are clearly an excellent mum. Chill. If you want to help him check out the iCan speech and communication website - your HV should be able to give you some leaflets about enabling communication, simple signs will reduce frustration for both of you (food/drink/sleep/more/finished), but mostly spend time playing, proper pretend play and 1-2-1, reading books or kicking a ball. DD did go through a phase about 17mo where she just wanted to walk and run about with no real purpose, but she now loves to sit down and read books together.

HTH

sorry - part of the C&P didn't work there - my DD is 20mo!

IME what you have described is all normal. You are doing the best that you can and it is also normal to worry. Here are my experiences, hope they help.

1. Feeding to sleep - DD is 2.4, I bf untill she was two including through the night whenever she woke. We now lie with her to get her to sleep and when she wakes in the night she co-sleeps. I went for the path of least resistance.

1. Food. Dd has got better since I stopped bf and she eats like a horse at nursery (peer pressure is great). But on days at home she survives on not much at all.

1. dd has massive separation anxiety issues and only mummy will do, some weeks are good, some are bad. This morning she was hanging off my neck howling while I tried to load the washing machine.

1. Talking - don't worry about it until nearer to 2. They haven't read the manual!

Firstly there are lots of ways of parenting 'wrong' and nothing you mention makes it into that category in my book!

1. I think it's natural for a child to fall asleep by nursing. It's relaxing, comforting and nutritious (sp?) all at once. What I'm trying with DS (nearly 15 months) is to gently try and remove him every now and then once he's stopped actually swallowing. For naps he pretty much always stays there until he falls asleep (often stays there all nap or needs to 'refuel' halfway through) but at bedtime he now often comes off happily and falls asleep without nursing. Occasionally he even comes off by himself, rolls over and falls asleep off the boob. A few months ago I was thinking the same as you "will he ever fall asleep without it?" but of course a child doesn't need nursing forever. It only bothers me a little now because DC2 is on the way but honesty there are worse things you could do! I think a child needs to learn that sleep is a pleasant experience, and this takes time for both parties to establish.

2. I'm lucky with DS that he seems to like most things I offer food-wise but he goes through stages of just throwing/playing with it or refusing it altogether. The important thing to remember is that all the while you're breastfeeding; your milk is far superior to any solid food you can offer. Could you try loading up the spoon or a childsized fork and getting him to help you put it in his mouth? I started by holding DS's hand with my hand and letting him guide it in. Maybe start with foods you know he'll eat. BLW isn't all about finger foods, it's about letting a child decide what he wants to eat and how much. It's not too late to start. With regards to how much (or little) your LO eats; I'm pretty sure kids know their own appetite at this age. The only other thing I would say is that if you offer a drink at mealtimes try and do it towards the end, I think a lot of children fill up on liquids and then don't want to eat.

3. separation anxiety peaks at this age (again) - I agree about development leaps (google wonder weeks) - DS is a nightmare at the moment and is just coming out of a leap. Plus I've read that this is a sign of a good attachment to a caregiver and as long as you respond to a child's 'neediness' and wanting to be with you with sympathy and cuddles wherever possible, a child who shows extreme separation anxiety is likely to grow up secure and independent.

4. talking - I've also read that children often have very few words around 18 months but a sudden burst of them around 21 months. Could be a development leap linked thing. Perhaps your DS has all of his needs met without needing words right now.

It's really hard being a parent so try not to beat yourself up over every little thing. As far as I can tell you're doing everything right but speak to your HV if you're really worried about any of these things.

Some good books I'd recommend (its always nice to get 'eureka' moments and realise you/your child is 'normal') are The Wonder Weeks, Teach Yourself Baby Development and The Science of Parenting. Best of luck, you're doing great!

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_box_?k=wonder+weeks+

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0340942282/ref=mp_s_a_2?qid=1334827445&sr=8-2-spell

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1405320362/ref=mp_s_a_3?qid=1334827490&sr=8-3

At 18 months DS1 was horribly clingy and hated me leaving him. I worked and left him with a CM and everyday he cried when I left him (but was fine when I'd gone) and I hated it. We'd cracked the bedtime thing by then I think (he'd gone through a bad phase of being held to sleep, it took 2 hours every night) but he was still waking at around 2am every night and coming into bed with us. He also wasn't speaking although luckily my HV was very much 'wait and see' with it.

It was so bad that when I accidentally got pregnant with DS2 around that time the first thing I did was cry - I couldn't face the thought of dealing with a baby and DS1.

BUT, by the time DS2 was born (when DS1 was around 2.4) it had all changed. He was sleeping through and he was far more settled and independent. We went away with family when DS2 was 6 weeks old and when we came back DS1 suddenly decided to start speaking.

Things change so quickly when they're little, although I know that when you're in the middle of it it feels like a very very long time. There are things I did differently with DS2 and DD because I'd done the trial and error with DS1, but that doesn't mean I was a bad parent with him, just a new one! And he's turned out pretty well despite it all.

Thanks all - some very reassuring posts there. I do think that half the problem is that everyone else I know have babies that sleep, eat and talk well and do everything else just marvellously and it makes me feel crap. I hate the whole competitive patenting thing and love ds however he is. I guess with him being my PFB I wory that im not doing things I should or picking up signs or whatever.

I have the wonder weeks book and took the science of parenting out the library yesterday - so a lot of reading to do.

Thanks all