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Parenting

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Original poster

Calling all only children

28 replies

OlivesTree · 17/04/2012 12:57

Having just read the article in yesterday's Mail about the woman who has been branded 'selfish, lazy and cruel' for having only one child and currently trying to make up my own mind as to whether I should give my DD a sibling, I am interested to hear from those who are an only child and how they feel about it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

totallypearshaped · 17/04/2012 13:00

Are you a journo looking for us to write your article? You might want to post in the media section.

Original poster

OlivesTree · 17/04/2012 13:03

Far from it! As I said, I am a mum considering whether or not to have a second baby. My DD is only 6 months old, but we are so happy with our little family as it is we would stay just 3, but my only concern is that she might feel lonely as a child and not have support as we get older and decisions need to be made about what homes to put us in! Definitely NOT media- am a mumsnet regular.

OP posts:

mrsnesbit · 17/04/2012 13:06

"selfish, lazy & cruel" this makes my blood boil, what a crock of shite

We have an only, aged nearly 9.

Happy, well adjusted and not in the least bit lonely as he has lots of cousins and friends from school. We always have a houseful of kids.

grrrrrr

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EvenBetter · 17/04/2012 13:12

I love being an only, would've hated to have siblings!
My opinions were listened to, I didn't have siblings bullying me and causing my mum hassle and pain, no one trashed my toys, kept me awake at night screaming etc. I used my imagination, became insightful, empathetic, mature (aged 5 first day of school I distinctly remember seeing masses of loud brats and thinking 'these people are so babyish!' haha!) and close to my mother
:o love it love it

Olivetti · 17/04/2012 13:14

I'm an only - it was ok as a kid (although there were lonely times), but now I'm an adult with kids of my own, I worry about how I'll manage when my parents are old/ill/frail, and I'll have to deal with that with no sibling support. But life isn't black and white (obviously), everything is a trade-off.

Original poster

OlivesTree · 17/04/2012 13:18

Even, your post made me laugh. My sister and I have never got on. When we were children we fought constantly and then stopped speaking aged about 13, even when we lived in the same house! I am from Australia and moved to UK 10 years ago and she moved to New York. I might as well be an only child. It is just now since I have had my first baby that we have made contact and are slowly building some kind of a (email) relationship. And it usually involves some kind of bonding over what a nightmare our parents are!

OP posts:

Flyonthewindscreen · 17/04/2012 14:28

I was an only and hated it, I found it very lonely and felt it made me too different from other kids. It is one of the reasons that I chose to have more than 1 DC and fairly close in age. However I think there were aggravating circumstances, my parents were also older at a time (1970s) when most parents where I grew up seemed to be younger with at least two DC, I had no cousins and my parents friends children were already grown up so outside of school I was with just adults the whole time.

In contrast my DC are at school/friends with quite a few onlies as it is so much more common now and I can't imagine that any of them feel they are odd or different in a bad way.

I only have my DF left now and it would be nice to have a sibling to "share the burden" if that it what it becomes but I would not think that was a good enough reason to have an additional DC.

GingerPCatt · 17/04/2012 14:36

I'm an only and there are good and bad points - same with having siblings I guess. As a kid I had my parents full attention which was great. But as a teen I had my parents full attention too which I wasn't thrilled about. My folks were a bit over protective.
Now as an adult I do worry about being the only one too look after my folks when they get old. But I see the situation with my dad and my aunt whose relationship has been completely destroyed by dealing with my elderly grandfather. And after he's gone I doubt they will have any contact with each other.
I have 1 DS after much trying . Dh and I have decided to try for another but if it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that too.

splashingaround · 17/04/2012 14:40

I loved it, made me very independent, great at making friends, very good at being on my own and choosing who was worth being in my life:) I think I could have been shy and let an older sibling look after me but as it was I benefited from having to get on with stuff.

Sometimes I fancied siblings then I would visit friends with theirs and it didn't seem so great! Sadly my sil is toxic so her and dh never have been close, in fact the parents try to play them off against each other.

Now am of the age where parents are ageing I get asked whether it's a burden, not so much as when there are siblings fighting over care packages versus saving the parental home, who should do the burden of work etc

Didn't have an only myself but wouldn't see it as at all negative, wasn't there research that said only children are happiest as they have no sibling conflicts to negotiate? Mine are close now but for how long?!

Bucharest · 17/04/2012 14:43

Only child of only child with only child.

DNA is very over-rated.

You don't have a sister? Well, meh. You get yourself some friends.

It really is only a problem if you make it one.

TheCountessOlenska · 17/04/2012 14:47

Well I am married to an only - and he has turned out lovely! He had a very happy childhood, but when he sadly lost his dad a few years ago, I think he felt the lack of a sibling for the first time - to share the experience with etc . He did have me though!

Also I would say that the concept of sharing his things/ food/ whatever does not come as automatically to him as to me - but we have worked on it

I know plenty of siblings who don't get on so I don't think having more than one child guarantees an adult sibling friendship/ support

DuelingFanjo · 17/04/2012 14:51

my sister was an olny child, poor cow. her first two years were blighted by the absence of a sibling and she was so selfish, odd, lonely and had all the stress of having parents who were getting older by the second.

luckily for her I cam along.

phew. ;)

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 17/04/2012 14:57

I have a 1 year old DS and if I have my way, he would stay an only. I have no desire to have another child and I think its fine to feel that way. DP wants him to have a sibling but I'm happy it being us 3. Its not financially viable for us at the moment so it will definitely be a couple of years before even DP could consider it. I may change my mind, but I probably won't. The description of parents to an only being selfish, lazy and cruel is ridiculous, I've never judged anyone who has an only and I certainly wouldn't call them cruel.

Tis the Daily Mail though.

pharmgirl · 17/04/2012 15:03

Another only child here. I always say it is easier to HAVE an only than to BE an only. IYSWIM. I had two DS--say no more.

annbenoli · 17/04/2012 15:16

I am an only child and I am married to an only child. As a child it didn't bother me and I had lots of quality time with my parents, who I am very close to. I also had lots of opportunities which I wouldn't have had if there had been siblings i,m sure, e.g. school trips to Canada and Russia. However, as an adult I really wish I had got siblings. My children have no aunties, uncles or cousins. I feel lonely, despite having a wonderful dh and many friends.

girlywhirly · 17/04/2012 15:40

I am an only child, and I strongly suggest that only children are well socialised in their early years, and have lots of friends both at school and at home/out of school activities/clubs if they don't have relatives their age, and especially if you live in an area with no neighbours and their DC.

Holidays can be a bit difficult, going away yourselves and the school vacations when all their mates are away and there are no siblings.

I think what I'm trying to say is as a parent you have to facilitate the social aspect of your only childs life, so that they learn how to make friends and become confident socially.

However, the mail is, as usual, wrong. There are lots of sociable, confident, well-adjusted only DC out there, who achieve well in all areas of their lives. I seriously doubt that their parents are selfish lazy and cruel.

IndieNile · 17/04/2012 16:01

I hated being an only child - and still do. As a child I felt very lonely and now that I`m an adult I have no one to share childhood memories.

As the sole focus of my mothers attention I was brought up vv strictly and expected to be perfect. I was brought up by the spare the rod and spoil the childmethod, along withchildren should be seen and not heard. Even when I was quite young I used to feel aggrieved at the assumptions people made about only children being over-indulged - it certainly wasnt my case.

I envied friends their siblings, even the ones who fought all the time. They didnt have to carry all the weight of their parents expectations alone.

Now I have DC of my own (3) I wish they had aunts and uncles and cousins on my side, especially as my husband is not from the uk, so their only British relative is my elderly mother. :(

rrreow · 17/04/2012 16:09

You should have another child if you want to have one. Not because you're afraid of being seen as selfish, lazy and cruel (who writes this stuff..??) if you don't.

FWIW I am an only child, have one DC right now and am planning on another. I sometimes wished I had a sister (never wished I had a brother). I'm sure all only children have wished for a sibling at one time or another, just as sometimes siblings hate each others' guts and wish they were an only child :o I don't think one is necessarily 'better' than the other, although I can definitely see lots of advantages to having a sibling. At the end of the day only you can know what is right for your family.

ShirtyKnot · 17/04/2012 16:11

Only child. Had a very happy childhood. Very close to my parents. Lots of lovely friends.

You can't miss what you never had and the Daily Mail is a big pus filled boil on the arse of the media.

Original poster

OlivesTree · 17/04/2012 18:15

Indie, do you think you might feel differently if your parents hadn't brought you up so strictly? I imagine that had you had siblings their attitudes would have been the same and so then do you think you would have just resented your overly strict mother, rather than being an only child? I hadn't considered the 'childhood memories' side of things. I love laughing about childhood antics... that said though, I do get my fill of this with my cousins and parents, so don't really need siblings for that.

Shirty

OP posts:

Scatterplot · 17/04/2012 19:02

Happy only child married to another. I've never felt the lack of a sibling, or wanted one. I've always had good relationships with parents/ friends/ cousins/ other family. As I get older I am valuing my relationships with my cousins more, because of shared childhood memories - we grew up in the same city and I saw them every week. It would be sad not to know anyone from my generation with whom I had that long relationship, but then again... if I didn't have it, I might not miss it.

Takver · 17/04/2012 19:19

Only child here, never had a problem with it. I also have an only dd - and while there are certain aspects of her personality that might make people say 'only child' they are aspects in which she is the clone of DH who is one of three!

Having read various studies on the subject, as far as I can see the most usual conclusion is that only children are very much like eldest children and also reasonably similar to those who have only one sibling. Which picks up a large proportion of the UK population, I think!

Takver · 17/04/2012 19:22

Its also completely barking (though typically Mail) to say that women with only one child are 'selfish and lazy' given that the most common reason I suspect for people to have only one is infertility and or other health issues.

I was definitely an only for that reason, my Mum wanted at least five kids but had to make do with what she could get

I assume the Mail would be fully supportive of families who have several children even if they can't support them and have to rely on tax credits etc . . .

[caveat - I don't have any problem with people having any number of children they like regardless of their financial circs - but I bet my arse the Mail do]

takeonboard · 17/04/2012 19:45

I am an only and had no problems with not having siblings when growing up, I was an independent, mature and sociable child being an only was not a problem for me at all.

DH and I decided to have an only and we were happy with our decision, luckily as we had left it possibly too late to have any more!

However I now have some major regrets since one of my parents died suddenly and the other is chronically sick and disabled. It really is a huge burden on one person and worth taking into consideration when making the decision as to whether to have another child.

mrswee · 18/04/2012 17:46

I am an only. I would have done anything for a sibling and would still love to have one now. But my experiance of siblings are good ones, I have close childhood friends and my cousins who had great relationships with their siblings, so I guess I was a bit jealous of that. I was fairly lonely as a child but I think that could have been very differnt had my family been around more, I was left in the house on my won almost every day from the age of 10. I now in adulthood know a lot of people who have little or no realationship with their sibling or even a difficult and hurtful relationship.

There are no rights or wrongs, except calling parents selfish for not having more than one child, which is idiotic.

I have personally decided to have more than one and that is partly because of my experiance of being an only but I would not bat an eye lid comment if I friend said they were not going to have more than one, no matter what my experance was personally. It is more about parrenting and being there ofr your child/children than 'providing' a sibling.

My mother and my husband come from large families of five and in both cases half the sibling don't get on even well into their 40s/50s and 60s !!

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