Only Child Guilt

[Spongebob]

Hi guys...
I have 1 DS of 18 months . I'm 40 soon and hadn't planned to have more than one child. My friend made me feel terrible this evening though, saying that DS would grow up lonely and "who would he have when Mum and Dad are gone" etc...Im feeling guilty and a bit selfish this evening....thinking of all the advantages of having siblings ( I know there are many) anyone know any advantages of being an only child...come on, make me feel better!

Don't feel bad - my mum only had me and got that all the time. the truth is, she wanted more kids but couldn't have any due to a bad case of ectopic pregnancy where both her ovaries were removed. She was made to feel crap as if she had any control over it. You know your reasons behind your decision and if you're happy with your choice then that's that. Stick to your guns!

Saying that - and this will probably not make you feel better but for what it's worth - although I feel you should do what you feel is right for your family - I know first hand that being an only child does get lonely sometimes, and frustrating - especially when parents have a go at you and you have noone to confide in at that moment. I always seemed to be on the front line. Noone to share the blame with I always envied my friends who had brothers/sisters. they seemed so much happier. On the other hand, they envied me because I didn't have to share my things with anyone and my parents could afford more for me.

Unfortunately, I'm no longer talking to my parents (long story), and it's hard for them as they have noone else, and for me as I have no brothers or sisters to talk to about the situation and get advice.

It's difficult to decide whether it's best to have one, three, five or more kids - each to it's own I guess.

You just stick to what you want for yourself, and tell your friend that although you appreciate her advice (or whatever that was) that you are very happy with the family you've got and that you and your dh/dp will be the ones deciding on whether you wish to have another child or not.

Dear Spongebob,

Please don't feel bad at all! You are totally doing the right thing...

I'm an only child, and can safely say I had an idyllic childhood, loved playing with cousins/friends, became very socialised at an early age. I think if anything it makes you more confident. I used to nag my Mum about having a brother or sister, but then if I'd had one I probably would have complained about them! I really think on balance it's no better or worse than having siblings. And you have never known any different, so it's not like a loss or anything. Summary:

The advantages:
-more confident, more socialised, more independent (you go out and create your own social life), do better at school (all the attention), high self esteem, you truly value others' company and don't take it for granted, you don't have issues of jealousy and rivalry with siblings, you become quite an adaptable person

The disadvantages

• you are maybe a bit self centred (but that isn't just only children!)
• worries when parents get old (but no guarantees siblings will help with parents either)
• maybe a bit more pressure from parents

Please don't feel pressured by your friend- people do have these strong instincts and then try and get others to do the same. I am great friends with my Mum in a way I'm not sure would be the case if I'd had to share her with siblings.

anyway hope this helps

Lazycow - I really identify with what you say. Ten years ago I was in the same position - no family anywhere near, 41 years old, exhausted, suffering from PND. I also had a bad back so I couldn't walk from the pain of sciatica a month before due date, because of ligaments that slackened too much. Was told I had a high chance of having the same again with a second child. Knew I couldn't put dh, dd and myself through PND again. Also, If my back had been really bad how would I have coped with a toddler and baby with no help?

Went to the NCT to hear some woman going on about spoiled only children and how everyone should have two, knowing even then when my dd was a baby, that I wouldn't be having any more. You stick to what you feel you can cope with - remember none of those righteous, interfering types will be up at 3 a.m. to look after your sick child - I bet most of them have loads of family support. I had one acquaintance who did nothing but moan and her mum and mum-in-law lived in the same town !!

I am very close to dd but felt I should be at home more for her so have only worked part-time from home. It was more difficult as she got older (now 10) when she felt lonely or wanted brothers and sisters. I tried to point out pros and cons and just be there for her. Most of the time she is happy with plenty of friends and no conflict because she can go to any activities she wants to. I still know I did the right thing. If I had been ill she would have suffered as well as the rest of us. Have told her I had a bad back so far - will tell her truth when old enough to understand.

Us parents of onlies should stick together. Nearly all of us made the decision because of health problems - I think it is a responsible one to make. If I had been younger and fitter I would have had another for my dd's sake, but it just wasn't an option. Do what you feel is right and make the best you can of all of it. I have enjoyed not having to divide my time, love, money and attention, I must say.

Hope this helps.

can i add my thoughts?
I have four children, and I think those with one child in the family and those with large groups have a lot in common.
We work at the extreme end of the scale!

As parents you work out the pros and cons and try to acheive a balance over the cons, single child parents work hard to make sure that child has lots of friends to play with. often letting friends stay overnight when older for e.g
At the other end of the scale, for large familes is the lack of privacy and one to one time for all the children.

caring parents do the best they can for their child, I dont believe all that rubbish about single children being spoilt, or that large families dont give their children the attention I need.

I must admit , that as an advantage a woman who has only given birth to one child, must have better pelvic muscle control than me !!

Don't bet on it Williamsmummy - I have only one ds and my floor is knackered! Am currently doing physio - best appointment I ever made!