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Parenting

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Original poster

Only Child Guilt

31 replies

Spongebob · 08/02/2006 21:19

Hi guys...
I have 1 DS of 18 months . I'm 40 soon and hadn't planned to have more than one child. My friend made me feel terrible this evening though, saying that DS would grow up lonely and "who would he have when Mum and Dad are gone" etc...Im feeling guilty and a bit selfish this evening....thinking of all the advantages of having siblings ( I know there are many) anyone know any advantages of being an only child...come on, make me feel better!

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BudaBabe · 08/02/2006 21:22

Well I am one of 4 and my DH is an only. We have one DS and I'd love more but he is not keen as he enjoyed being an only one.
So it can't be that bad!

Latz · 08/02/2006 21:25

Know exactly what you mean - had dd at 35 after trying for 3 years. After thinking i'd never have a child. Would like another but age against me ( I think) plus my hormones are doing strange things.

Annoys me when people say - oh but they need siblings - life is never that easy!

carefulnow · 08/02/2006 21:25

He will have his friends, his loves, and maybe his own child.

There are many, many people whose relationships with their siblings are fraught or non-existent as a quick look at mumsnet will testify.

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SorenLorensen · 08/02/2006 21:26

Bollox. Presumably you are not bringing him up in some kind of child-free vacuum? I know some lovely, completely content, only children. Even if you have siblings there is no guarantee you will be close to them - or even like them. The only children I know (adults now) tended to be more mature than their peers - perhaps because of spending more 'home' time with adults - but that's not necessarily a bad thing. They are also very happy in their own company - also not a bad thing.

Is your friend an 'open mouth before engaging brain' type? Did she not realise this might be a hurtful thing to say?

Sallystrawberry · 08/02/2006 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latz · 08/02/2006 21:28

Also have a previously good friend asking me when is the next one etc etc - drives me mad - her kids (2 girls 15 months apart fight like cat and dog!)

DD goes to childminders and toddlers group and mixes well - plus she doesn't know different. She is a happy bunny.

Original poster

Spongebob · 08/02/2006 21:29

Well, I dont think she realized I,d feel as bad as I did about it. She has 4 kids and wants more!! tbh, with just one I feel totally knackered all the time and I look 100!!! I will make sure he has loads of friends, interests etc

OP posts:

tonton · 09/02/2006 15:14

I think only choldren can be very happy, well socialised and have great advantages. I am one of 8 but had always wanted just one child. My dd is 5 and everything was just great, then I went and got pregant - complete mistake!!
I'm trying to come round to the idea of not having an only. I'll have to dispose of all the great books I've got (all amercian) on having a happy only. It shouldn't make me sad but it does. I know I'll love number 2 but it's not what I'd wanted. So there's a different point of view for you!!

otto · 09/02/2006 15:24

I have one child - 22 months - and am not planning to have any more due to age (42) and lack of money. I sometimes feel sorry that ds won't have a brother or sister of a similar age (he has an older step sister), but I know so many only children who are completely happy and well adjusted that I don't worry too much. Ds's stepsister was an only child until she was 9 and ds was born and she's perfectly happy and well adjusted and has no problem mixing with adults or other children. I had a sister, but we were never close and aren't now, so having a sibling doesn't guarantee you'll have a friend. That was a very thoughtless thing for your friend to say.

noddyholder · 09/02/2006 15:30

My ds is 11 and an only child and his life is so full and he never cpmplains but I do feel he will miss out as an adult and I can't quite get over that one.I wish I had had others but it wasn't possible at the time and I do feel he has missed out on the 'family'thing a bit

Tortington · 09/02/2006 16:06

your friend is clearly a fuckwit. the main advantages of having one child is that they get all your love and attention and you have more money to lavish on one child.

if i only had one kid - i would be loaded, he would have everything he ever wanted, he would have all my love an affection and i would have only one set of problems to deal with -not three.

i would have only one social life to plan - not three, i would only have to pay £51 for one passport - not three.

lazycow · 09/02/2006 16:43

I only have one and as I'm 41 and took over two years to conceive him he is likely to be my only too.

One of my friends said early on, 'when are you having another, I always think only one is sad?'

What she didn't realise was that I struggled to conceive ds and then had pnd, so having another seemed impossible at the time. Now the pnd has lifted I still feel that having another would be too much. I'm just not your natural earth mother type. If ds were 3-4 yrs old I might consider another one but my age precludes that. The point is that everyone's circumstance id different. Some people from large familes complain they never got enough attention, only children sometimes complain they go got too much etc..

You can't predict the future - just make the best decisions you can now based on you and your family. Sod everyone else.

noddyholder · 09/02/2006 17:07

custy you, are making me feel better!

Arabica · 09/02/2006 17:57

People (usually those who have siblings) talk such nonsense and make so many assumptions about the experience of being an only child (not on here, of course). I was an only child and didn't get spoiled nor did I have a particularly happy childhood--but it was nothing to do with my lack of siblings; more to do with my parents being so unhappy together. You do what feels right for you and your family. I did think DS (5 in April) was going to be an only like me, but I'm now pg with 2nd one. We didn't do it to give him a sibling, but because we thought the time was right to try for another baby.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2006 18:06

what's w/people bringing an entire life into the world for no other purpose than to be a sibling for someone else? a someone else they may have nothing in common with and might actually despise later on?

can you imagine if YOU were the second child and YOU found out you were only born so your elder sibling wouldn't be an 'only' - like it's the worst fate in the world or something?

how ridiculous can people get? that's just stupid.

wannaBe1974 · 09/02/2006 18:36

I think people can be so insensitive sometimes, and they say things based on what they would want for themselves, regardless of your own lifestyle choices.

My Mil is constantly passing comments about how only children are so lonely, how people shouldn't have only children and how it's not good for them ... etc etc. She would never dare ask me to my face when I'm going to have another one but I know she will pass judgment if I don't produce another baby. Fact is, it took me over a year to conceive DS and although I'd love another baby, we've been trying for a while now and it just isn't happening. So if I am unable to have another child for medical/fertility reasons, does that mean that my son will grow up weird and have "only child syndrome"? and yes, my Mil claims that such a condition exists!

expatinscotland · 09/02/2006 18:42

FFS, wannabe! she sounds like a real cow. do these insensitive gits EVER stop to consider that some kids are onlies b/c their parents have gone to hell and back just to conceive them and how bloody rude it is to assume that these parents don't have another one b/c they're selfish? i can't believe people bring up such a none of your business, personal topic.

Spidermama · 09/02/2006 18:46

I have two very good friends who are both only children. They have no problem with it at all. They don't know any different. They have a dd and don't plan to have any more children.

My dd often says to me, 'Mum, I wish I was an only child'.

IME only children forge strong relationships with their friends.

mummytosteven · 09/02/2006 18:49

I think it's selfish to have a child that you don't really want, just to feel that you are benefitting your existing child (by them not becoming the stereotypical pampered socially deskilled only child). I just think it's such bad manners to put pressure on - people may well have personal health reasons for not having more children, it may not be a matter of choice anyway.

Alipiggie · 09/02/2006 18:55

I'm an only child and never had any problems. Used to amuse myself but as a comment here had great friends that I used to play with all the time. However, having said that I made a conscious decision to have two or more children, decided to stop at 2 ds's. You decide what size family you want and if blessed that's what you get!! Never let any one make you feel guilty about only have one child, or let them say that only children are always spoilt, I got fed up of having that one thrown in my face. We should enjoy our children however many we have.

noddyholder · 09/02/2006 19:00

If I had another child it would not just be to keep ds company but because it would be really loved and wanted BUT it does cross my mind that ds will be alone when he is older in terms of family and I am just being honest and thinking out loud

Tortington · 09/02/2006 19:11

when he gets older he will meet a lovely woman and have 4 children, when he is 40 he will wish he only had ONE child as he will be permanantly skint and will advocate to all his friends only having one child and tell them incredible stories of his childhood.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 09/02/2006 19:31

He will grow up knowing the deal and if he has any sense will forge a network of other people around him.

When Mum and Dad are gone he will have his own family which may mean brother and sisters in law-and if he doesn't - that's his decision.

Kathy1972 · 10/02/2006 12:37

I know two mums who have decided to only have one child - one because she was an only child and loved it, the other because she has a sister and hates her.
There is no one perfect family size IMO.... The perfect size for you is the one you are happiest with!

lucyhoneybee · 11/02/2006 00:35

Spongebob, your friend seems really insensitive.
in fact why not tell her you found her comment hurtful and feel she should be more supportive of you? Friends who make you feel bad are not friends, they are burdensome.
Being a mum is special and it doesn't get more so with each child- look at all those harassed mums with 8 kids like that lizzie bardsley off wifeswap!I was an only child till age 12, didn't know any better, then had 2 half sisters and a half brother, best of both worlds. i know which I preferred but I'm not you, and your family is unique-it's yours!I bet you are a great mum and that's what matters.

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