Anyone NOT reward their kids with things/money?verbose post.

[sibdoms]

OK - I have held off the pasta/marble/conditional pocket money thing for as long as possible, although we have had reward charts for the morning which have lead to very infrequent paltry and random rewards.
Our lives are busy and complex, and I am going to be away a lot this year and dh is going to have to look after the kids a lot on his own, for the first time. So I thought it would be good if I had a SYSTEM in place before I go away, to make things straightforward.

I've resisted material rewards/money for behaviour up until now - basically I get the kids what I think they need and they get birthday and other money from relatives, which they can spend more or less as they want - no sweets though as am fascist. We are not rich but we are fine financially, so I do buy them things on an ad hoc basis - eg a small mouse for the computer, goggles for swimming, etc etc. But I've felt uneasy with the blatant bribery and also reductive materialism of the money thing.

I let them watch limited tv and play limited computer games, but I also don't like to use these as "rewards" as I think it makes them more attractive.

I have thereby talked myself out of an effective reward system - and spend a lot of time cajoling, nagging, shouting and threatening ineffectually.

BUT i can see that a system whereby - if you, dds, do all the things I need you to do, without undue nagging etc - ie get up nicely in morning, do music practice, clear up dinner, etc etc - you will get xpence per week - is very attractive as it is a kind of onestop behaviour shop.

Does anyone have a DIFFERENT kind of system, or do I need to get real? For sure things are not working at the moment and I am exhausted from shouting and distracting and being jolly/or furious.

How old are your children?

We are a bit Ad hoc too, but every now and then the points system kicks in, points can be earned by trying hard at gymnastics, doing well a t school, helping granny etc. I try to keep a tally until DS eventually remmebers and wants to trade in his points for toys, comics or whatever.

It is bribery I suppose but don't we all like rewards for working hard. I don't give points for what should be normal behaviour, they don't get them for just being good, it has to over and above so to speak.

No points on the go just now but gymnastic competition coming up so DS may need some encouraging.

Sibdom we do it a bit like you do!
Have expectations that ds will do the getting ready bag packing, hygience room tidy, put clothes away, if he does all these things without having to be threatened with a beating (joke) then he gets x amount of pocket money
If we are forced to lose our rag, instead we dock him by way of a strike (on a chalkboard)
7.5p a time (he gets £2.50 per week he is 12)
It takes away all the shouting as you can just say, I'm striking you
And if you have to do any of their work for them, then you charge them for it
I charge 10p for picking up a coat and clothes
5p for opening curtains 5 p for making his bad
etc etc
For some weeks now he has had no strikes
But his room todya
arrghh he'll be lucky if he gets away alive the dirty little scoundrel!

We don't use a reward system. Ds1 is the oldest 1t 4.5 and he is just expected to do things we ask and behave well. We buy him things when we see them or need them. My problem with reward charts and things is that they only are good for the reward, not because it is expected of all member of a society/family to ensure its smooth running.

Thats why I give points for extras not everyday stuff that is expected. I give rewards for special efforts or a treat if they get things like a Headteachers Award to show that we think this is a speacial acheivment too.

DS wouldn't get points for tidying his own room but perhaps for helping his sister do hers. I don't take away awards for bad behavior, but it may result in loss of TV time etc but normaly dealt with there and then.

my kids do chores - for free, well ...cos they live here

I second custardo.
Also work the other way round. If they don't do what i ask them,they don't get certain treats.

mine are quite little

but they are expected to tidy or at least help tidy their rooms and also to help me tidy up all their bits downstairs for free. They are expected to lay the table

dd1 (6) gets no pocket money but we have started giving her a £1 or so for helping with big tasks eg helping dad clean the cars, or playing with dd2 for an hour believe me that needs rewarding

thing is gina ( spit spit ) ford aside, kids like routine - its just its a pain in the arse for us adults.

so as long as your kids are sat down military stylee and told " look this is how its going to be from now on and the schedule will be on the wall

3.30 - 4 get changed out of school uniform
4-5 do homework
5-5.30 do chore

dd1 wash pots
ds1 sweep living room and set table
ds2 clean kitchen sides

6-7 eat tea remembering to wash your own plate when you have finished

7-8 - whatever you want
8-9 bath, bed

if you hate your chore ( which they will) we are going to alternate them weekly from oldest to youngest.

just a thought... if you do the pocket money for chores things, you do need to be prepared for the child who says, 'I don't want to do chores and I'm not bothered about the money' !!

How much do I get for making dinner? I am holding out for £1 but DD says stuff it she will make a cheese piece if I am charging that much .

how old are your children custardo? Just that the routine is one I was thinking about but wondered if mine were a bit too young. At present just ad hoc with allowance for parties etc.

16 and twins 12

but they have been doing chores forever - putting toys away
polishing the table ( always fun when your 5)

things that are age appropriate.

my son is off school sick today. the way i see it is if hes not to sick to play playstation he can clean the bathroom

and heres the science bit

i walked in and he said " look , have you seen the bathroom yet? its the best i can do with no proper spray and sponge but i've done a good job"

so aside from the dig which told me to go shopping he wants the praise - the "wow, well done" the " cwoor, your a superstar look how shiny it is"

Don't think you should reward for basic level of help and compliance but it's nice to reward for extra effort or thoughtfulness.

hmmmmmm. innaresting.
Some reward for chores, and some reward for behaviour, and some reward for EXTRA GOOD behaviour, and some don't.

IlanaK but HOW? HOW?I would love for that to be us, but I don't believe it happens as a matter of course.

If you don't reward for what you want them to do as a matter of course, what do you do when they don't? It seems to me you are reinforcing negatively rather than positively.

eg our very ad hoc morning reward thing has prevented me leaving home on a number of occasions as have been able to avoid total meltdown with 4 and 6 year old dds not wanting to cooperate.

Custy that is great if a bit military for my taste but what about behaviour? Non compliance with expected chores is of course behaviour but I mean other things as well. And don't you ever reward them for doing things they previously weren't doing?behaviour wise?

hmmmmmm. innaresting.
Some reward for chores, and some reward for behaviour, and some reward for EXTRA GOOD behaviour, and some don't.

IlanaK but HOW? HOW?I would love for that to be us, but I don't believe it happens as a matter of course.

If you don't reward for what you want them to do as a matter of course, what do you do when they don't? It seems to me you are reinforcing negatively rather than positively.

eg our very ad hoc morning reward thing has prevented me leaving home on a number of occasions as have been able to avoid total meltdown with 4 and 6 year old dds not wanting to cooperate.

Custy that is great if a bit military for my taste but what about behaviour? Non compliance with expected chores is of course behaviour but I mean other things as well. And don't you ever reward them for doing things they previously weren't doing?behaviour wise?

sorry, freeze.

i think its a bit late at this stage - i have either programmed them to behave or i haven't - there are ofcourse the odd things that kick off. but i expect - EXPECT good behaviour and good manners and just like i EXPECT chores to be done.

you absolutley cannot reason with a 16 year old who doesn't want to wash their hair. so i dont put myself into a position where i will feel angry about it. fine cook chips on it - i dont care ( that was tonights)

the thing we as parents forget is the unseen power we weild - children want need practially bag for our attention and love and praise.

after my son cleaned the bathroom today all i did was give him a hug and tell him how lovely it was and most importantly - say " thank you very much, your a big help"

i dont need to give him money to do it - you see i hold locked in my being all the emotional needs my children have. thats worth more than £1

i must say that i absolutley think some jobs should be paid for - well one. walking the dog and picking up dog poo. i pay 50p per poo

also if you dont say please in my house - you wait 10 mins

can i have a biscuit - no matter how nicely said will mean a 10 min wait
plase may i have a biscuit - gets a biscuit

this is a great source of amusement when i ask for something and dont say please - then in chorus they delight in telling me i have to wait 10 mins.

I don't reward, I expect as part of the family they do what is expected appropriate to their age ie, clear their plates after eating, do homework, do well in school, get ready on time for school and no fuss, you know the drill. I don't reward them for doing what is expected as a family member. However, if they do not do what is expected, I take away privileges like computer or trips to museums, sweets or crisps that I might give them on friday night (our "junk" food night). I feel the kids have a good life and lots of fun and are not deprived but they also have responsibilities as part of the family and they do nto get rewarded or paid for doing what they should do to make the family work.