Grandparent Alienation

[wendieann]

I'll try to brief this...my son who was 18, got this 15 yr old girl prego. She was a foster child. This girl was very manipulative and nothing I did was good enough for her. Anything I said/did was immediately thrown back into my son's face. He couldn't talk to me, or see me without some fight afterwards over something... She controlled everything about them. Had all passwords to everything. Used his phone/facebook account and would often pretend it was her. So, I stopped trying to contact him. In my eyes, I was protecting my son... as I didn't want to see him pulled between us.

When his son was born, he ended up going with her and signing this child over to foster care, as my grandson was already born into the system. (without me knowing) Her foster mother would convince them so many things. I even went to a meeting to discuss my concerns and the foster mom said, "I don't have to do anything with you, talk to you, see you, etc"

In the past 1 1/2 yrs, I have had very little to do with my grandson. I have NEVER babysat, or even taken him anywhere as I am not allowed. When I am around them, the mother, watches me constantly, and I am afraid to do anything with the child. Meanwhile, my son, so proudly will hand him to me...

Their relationship is rocky. I've stepped back and waited. As my gson is too far away (1hr) to have frequent weekend/day visits. He was also too young to be away from home... (imho, his foster family!! I would love to bond with him. I would love to take him places and do things with him. I'm not allowed.

My son currently has "scheduled supervised visitations with him". His gf, who lives in a different town, also has "scheduled visitations" now. (long story)

Back to me...

I'm tired of waiting until they get their relationship together, and figure out life...and I am tired of missing out on my grandsons life too.

Recently the mother threw at me, I wanted nothing to do with her son. Which isn't true... I do, but her attitude drives me away, as I know the only person who will get hurt is my son.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? What did you do? :(

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have no experience of such a situation.

Were you actually fostering your son's fifteen year old gf? I am confused by your post.

I'm sorry for your situation BUT the thing that screams out at me was that she was a child at 15 who is very mixed up and in the system so god knows what the poor girl had been through and your son slept with her at 18

I would say rather than being manipultive she is desperately trying to do her best for her son and is lashing out due to having no control over the rest of her life she is trying to control this situation but failing so getting more angry.

Also she will probably viewed your input and gifts etc suspect mainly due to her upbringing

Have you tried seeing things from her point of view?

Thank you all.

My son was in University going for his doctor's degree! He was 1 1/2 yrs into his classes and was living with me. I hired this girl as a babysitter one night until my son got home... and that was it! (He dropped out of course after they found out she was prego)

I know she had a difficult background. I would of done anything for them, yet she just didn't like me or my whole family for that matter!!

I have been afraid of upsetting them worse, both my son and his g/f if I faught for some visitation time with my grandson.... My son informs me it isn't him that stops me from seeing him...it's the social services, and their laws. So, I step back... However, I don't feel it's fair I am losing out on getting to know my grandchild just because he is in the system. I'm his blood and I am treated like a criminal.

Would you believe in order for the g/f to come anywhere with us as a family (prior to her getting prego) everyone in the house that was an adult, had to get a criminal record check and a child abuse check??!!! I did of course, and the sad thing is even my son had to, in order to do anything with her!

I reached out and founda support group for grandparents, and I am hoping to connect with them, and at least talk to someone... Maybe they have advice for me too...

I do miss my son terribly as we were very close. He said to me recently, "we will be again someday"... sigh.. :(

I know it's not relevant, but please stop saying 'preggo' - she was pregnant.

3 things stand out -

1. your 18 year old medical student Son slept with the 15 year old in care babysitter, without protection. This is not a good thing.

2. 1 hour away is not too far for frequent visits

3. you say you didn't push for more visits because you dont want to upset them further, but what will happen if you don't? You already don't see your grandchild and they are upset. You have to change the status quo to get a result.

just was abbrev. prego, knocked up, with child...doesn't matter... same outcome...

My son didn't start sleeping with her right away.... In fact that was the only night I got her to babysit, and they continued their relationship for months before I knew. Do I agree with it all? No... Not much I can do. He told me, she was on birth control, and said he used a condom too, and I said, "I'm not stupid... I would of found a wrapper by accident somewhere!" Yes, we have faught over it...

I also have 2 children at home... I have a 8 yr old and a 6 yr old.... 2 hr drive, on a school night just isn't possible.

It is possible. it's difficult, it would take some organising, but it is possible.

Sorry still can't get my head round this

Your son is lucky that SS didnt get him done for Statutory rape of a minor

Everything is possible it is possible for you to not sound like your son is a victim of circumstance or that she is a wicked tempress, your tone is suggesting to me you make it ery clear you do not approve of her and judge her

You may have fought over your son's actions but you are still sounding like this is all the girls fault? She is a ward of the court (SS) which means that her baby is and the only 2 people that do have any rights to visit that baby are your son and the mother

Would you sound the same if your daughter got pregnant at 15 by an 18 year old

She isn't a bad person. She obviously has issues from her past and the both of them are in counselling. She does have trust issues with everyone, especially me.

Once I was holding grandson, and sitting near my son, talking, she came up and took the child away. She said, "he needs to be feed".. (okay) then my son and I watch her walk over and hand him to another person...just because... (no food) Many other people noticed this too...and this is just a small example.

I knew my presence caused tension between them, so I stood back, and didn't get involved.

List mother, is very much still a child, and a wonderful mother...

They have been together, for 2 yrs now, I guess, and who am I to judge them? I'm not a fool to think teenagers have sex. I thought I taught my son about protection, as most do discuss sex with their children.

In Canada, For example, a 14 or 15 year old can consent to sexual activity with a partner as long as the partner is less than five years older and there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency or any other exploitation of the young person. Consentual sex....

I do want to be part of my grandson's life... bottom line. Whether his parents work things out/split up or whatever they choose to do.