I wish you worked and daddy stayed at home

[boglach]

My ds said this to me today. I am terribly hurt even though I know I should rise above it.

The truth is I suspect he does love his dad more. He prefers him to do everything.

Is it because I had PND? Is it because I shout and lose my temper sometimes?

Dad is more patient but then I am a sahm with a toddler as well

He is 6 and nothing I do seems to be good enough

It's because you are there more often and thus you are one mainly in charge of discipline, making him go to school and making him green things. DH is there for fun and games only.

If DH was the SAHD he'd see you as the fun mum and him as the disciplinarian.

Your son does love you.

DD says this to me regularly, but then she will go and say it to DH. I think if one of us is at work more than the other or she sees one more than the other she starts to notice and miss the one thats not there as much.

They don't mean anything by it and I'm sure your DS loves you just as much as his Daddy.

Does he associate you with any punishment and DH with fun. We had to be careful that DH also told DD off when necessary as when I was a SAHM DD got most of the tellings off from me (as I was around) and when DH was around was when we did most of the fun things.

What d0oin said...

No, no,

It is because he is 6. He has discovered words can hurt. So he is going to use them on the one person who will always love him. He is learning to not say certain things to friends cos they will fall out and there's a chance they will get other friends and not play with him. But you...... Well in his eyes you are a constant, you think he is remarkable.

My 6 yr old has uttered similar words. I think it is testing me. He has also had to be my 'get on with it kid' whilst his toddler brother has been in and out of hospital. He has been throwing it back at me in barrels recently. But at the end of each day he stiil cuddles me and we say I love yous. That makes it easier to deal with.

At 6/7 they are seeing themselves as independent beings. We see them as our babies.

None of us are perfect mummies. It hurts but don't let it take over your mind. Look him in the eye and say thanks for that mate. When you are feeling happier come and give me a hug and I will tell you I love you and why.

Actually you could be perfect mummy and he would still say it - because it's about him growing up not about you.

What a lovely post Pancakeflipper - I am not at that stage yet with my DS (he is just 1) but I'm going to bookmark this post in case I need it in future.

I know that my dh is more relaxed, says that awful word "no" less often and lets them run riot more than I do. He doesn't ask them to tidy their room, forgets homework and treats them to bits while out. I often think that it would be no surprise if they loved him more! I just always tell them that I say no because I care for them, don't want them to have accidents and don't want their teeth to have holes in them.

My Dc put whoever isn't there on a pedestal-especially when I'm cross. Your son def loves you.

My 2 y-o is always saying thinks like I love mama not papi or vice versa. I think kids oscillate between the most important people in their lives and they feel the power they have to wound even if they don't empathise with the pain they inflict. Sounds to me like your ds is just testing his power and wielding it against you, not in a deliberately nasty way but because children need to test limits to understand their place in the world. I wouldn't beat yourself up. You can't magic yourself into a more patient person who never had PND but you can appreciate your own good points and give yourself credit for all the positive things your son does get from you. The discipline you instil might not feel as fun at the time as dad letting them run riot but your kids would hate to have no rules or guidance, that's part of what makes them feel secure. I would sit down seriously and make a list of all the things you feel proud of doing for your kids, right down to small stuff like cooking a nice meal. Then choose one sentence that sums up what makes you a great mum and repeat it when you doubt yourself. (you don't have to tell anyone else about it!) When you realise everything you do for them you will probably feel like a saint.

I read this book called "Raising Boy"s by Steve Biddulph and one of the things it says it that around the age of six boys have a need to turn towards their father figure because they subconsciously want to learn how to become a man. I don't have enough personal experience to know how much store to set by this but maybe your ds is starting that process of turning to his dad to learn man stuff. If so, that's a natural need that has nothing to do with any failings on your part.

I'm sure you're doing a great job.

Also they discover at that age that they can get a reaction from saying certain things, and if you are already insecure about it it means you are reacting, so it works, so he says it more.
eg my dd knows I hate my terrible skin so when she's cross and wants to hit back at me she'll say 'And Mummy's got a horrible spotty face!'
You need a response prepared that laughs it off. So you could eg go with the flow and say something silly like 'Yes it would be brilliant! I could go and be a pirate while Daddy stays at home and bakes Rice Krispie cakes every single day!' Or 'Oh but ds, I'm the best mum in the world, daddy would get all your clothes muddled up' - or anything really, just don't let him know he's got to you.
6 yos can be terribly whingy. I can sympathise with the 'nothing is ever good enough for them' feeling. But they grow out of it.