Want 2 but so worried!

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Hi there
We have an 11 month old and we are seriously considering having an additional child if we can. We both want another child but I seem full of worries and anxieties about this. Just wanted to post something to see whether anyone has/had any of these feelings and if so any advice/tips:

1. Worry that my employer will want to get rid of me/write me off if I have another baby within a year or 2 of the last one. I need my job, not out of ambition, because we rely on my wage.

1. Worry I won't be able to cope with the exhaustion!

1. Worry we won't be able to afford it and that it will cause rows between me and partner.

1. Worry about how I'll cope full-time at work with 2 kids.

1. Worry they'll be too close in age, but due to my age can't really wait much longer.

1. Above all of this really do want to have 2 kids and feel this very strongly.

Sorry anyone any tips/advice please......

Its a tough decision OP and so many what ifs. Your employer cannot get rid of you for having a baby. Thats not to say they will be pleased about but either way they've got to treat you fairly or they will be in trouble.

Is there any reason you're in a hurry? Can't you wait a couple of years?

Stuff work, they might not exactly be that surprised if you have another (although I did have to half joke that there wouldn't be a third), and if you've gone/go back then at least they know you are serious about working and not just taking them for a ride.

Kids are costly things, but that's no reason not to have them, I mean who has enough money these days? You'll always find a way. Sit down regularly with your partner and go through budgets and decide where the money goes and review it so there's no hidden costs and one of you doesnt feel like the other is spending it on unnecessary things.

I've found 2 no more exhausting than one to be honest. The 1st (DS) was hard work as a baby and the second (DD) is a piece of cake to look after in comparison (pure luck), DS is used to me feeding the baby and giving her some attention and is good if I explain why we have to do things a certain way because of her. (I got pregnant 2nd time when he was 13months so potentially a similar age gap to you)

No advice about being at work FT with 2....but this is due next month, I'm dreading it as I've really enjoyed maternity leave this time but needs must. Maybe the only good thing is the house stays tidy while they're at nursery/minders? and mine will both be in the same nursery so at least they see each other.

I thought about how a 2nd would impact on the 1st, but when DD laughed for the first time at DS it was impossibly cute and I hope by being close in age that they are close forever, me and my sister certainly are.

There's no right or wrong, but deep down in the depths of your heart do you see 2 kids in the future? If so go for it, but if that thought just stresses you out, stick to one and enjoy the little bit of extra sleep.

Two is alot more hard work than one, IMO. It's the daily grind of getting them both ready in the morning, breakfast, washing, bedtimes, etc. It's like a neverending cycle. Just think 'Groundhog Day'.

You'd be back to sleepless nights again. Then there's the cost of shoes per child....

I think the last two posts sum up my comment which is no-one can tell you how you're going to feel or cope because your child and future children are not like anyone else's.

How old are you (if you don't mind me asking). I'm 38 and pregnant with no. 2, was convinced it would take ages being a geriatric mother but got pregnant quicker than with no. 1.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, can you imagine the rest of your life with one child? If the answer is no, go for it.

Thank you so much to everyone for responding.

Fondantfancier- sounds like you're in same position as me, going to work FT. Hope it goes okay when you return from mat leave, you sound like you've got things sussed though. I hope that I'd manage as well as you sound like you're doing.

Loveisagirlnameddaisy- I'm 36 but because I have to work I am worried about waiting too long and then being in a position where my work is vunerable.

Basically I think I have hang ups about losing my job (I know that is a insecurity etc that I need to work on)- but being the main earner can be so stressful at times. Especially when I'd rather spend more time with baby.

It's got to be a decision which your heart makes - not your head. I was in a similar position to you, same age, no fixed idea about how many children I want to have, both times my job has been vulnerable and with a huge list of 'cons'.

But the list of cons is always going to be bigger than the list of pros - kids are expensive and tiring and do terrible things to your work and social life and privacy and sanity and home and a million other things... but DS has been more than worth every single one of those. Every time he smiles at me or hugs me or tells me he loves me I couldn't give a flying f*ck about any of the other stuff, I think he's amazing. And that's what swung it for me when we were debating a second child... as hard as it's been I've loved every second of it and now that it's imminent and the practicalities are sorted out I'm really excited about it.

I may look sorted from the outside. There's days when (mainly the eldest) iswhiny and I want to run away but I would say95% I enjoy and have never regrettedthe decision.
I never gave it that much thought really to be honest, but my motto would be 'ah, it'll be alright' so we went for both kids without much deliberation.

I'm the main breadwinner as well and DP is going to be taking 3 months leave to be with the kids for 3 days a week when I go back to work before he starts a teaching course so I'll be the only bread winner for about a year which is scary, but I figure my kids would prefer a roof over their heads and food in their mouths than being out on the street and I'm proud of being able to support them.
Doesn't stop me wanting to be with them rather than work though and my work has suffered in that now I am much more, do everything ok and get home quick.

I'm as soppy as luckysocks and just one grin/cuddle makes all the stress, worry, effects on your body, tiredness etc... all worth while.
Good luck in your decision. x

I disagree, it's better to think with your head than your heart. If you let emotions come into you decision making you're not thinking clearly about the future and how it will impact everyone else in all manner of ways.

IMO, it's best to think logically on this one. You can't have the rose-tinted glasses on. Yes it's all lovely when they behave, but you've got so many other factors to weigh up too. Focusing on the positives doesn't give you the reality of what it's going to be like, I'm afraid...

but lovechoc do you have regrets? I mean if you could change things, would you? and not just in the heat of a bad day.

Only you can decide op. But personally I'd say go for it! Seeing your dc laughing together is one of the best bits of life. Yes its exhausting, but you cope and you find strength and support.

I think the fact that you are worrying and looking at all angles means you have a realistic approach and you will cope really well. Its always the surprises in life that are the things that really knock you down, not the things we plan.

I don't have regrets but I am frank about it and do say it's hard going raising two children and you cannot just say 'but when they smile it makes it all worthwhile'. It's not just as simple as that!!! If you take emotion out of it, then you are able to think clearly about the pros and cons. Trying for another baby when your first is only weeks old or months old is not a great idea because your judgement is clouded over with hormones..

In an ideal world, I'd like four children but we can only afford to raise two, in order for them to have a good upbringing where we would all live a comfortable life. Sometimes in life you just have to look at what you do have and be satisfied that it's for the best for your own situation. I know several couples who have stopped at one, and are happy with their choice. I wouldn't have any more children now, because I know my own health would suffer (couldn't go through sleep deprivation again!).

lovechoc, you're right in that I would love 3 children but there's no way we can afford it, we'd have to wait til the 2 we have are in school and then I would be too old to be going through it all again. (purely just for me 40 would be too old, no problem with other folk having them whenever they want)

It is bloomin hard at times, and the hard times are hard, but for me the good times are the best you can have and they do make it worth it. Does also depend on the temperament of the kids, so far my second is a dream whereas the 1st was a difficult babe, but I would still have 2 even if they were both like him because you do manage. It's only ever a choice that each couple can make together. My sis and her DH have thought about it for years and decided not to go for any, I think she thought about it far too much coz if you weigh it up no one would ever have any.

OP, Babies are addictive, but maybe it would help by thinking if you want more teenagers/students in the house in a few years time? (that also helps to keep me off a 3rd!)

Very true about the teenager thing, I don't think I'd be able to cope with any more than two in my house in years to come!! lol

If I used my head I wouldn't have any kids at all - it's a bloody crazy idea in principle. If I use my head I can't actually think of one tangible advantage (in my case, at least) for having children.

The fact is that no matter how tough it is at times, and it hasn't been easy - I'm under no illusion about what's about to hit us in a few weeks time when DC2 arrives - I've never been happier.

My point wasn't 'but when they smile it makes it all worthwhile' and neither - and I'm pretty sure I made this clear - was I trying to underplay how hard it can be.

Ultimately OP, you'll know when and if the time is right and once your heart has made that decision, your head can find a way around the practicalities.

echoing some of what fondantfancier said there! :)

If I used my heart, I'd be a mum of 4 children and a total wreck because I'd most likely have had a nervous breakdown by now...think I'll stick with using my head, thanks! :)

:)

I suppose that's the difference - my heart doesn't really have any strong feelings about how many children I want, it just started whispering that maybe we should have another. That whisper didn't start until DS was about 2 (I definitely wasn't having any more until then) and got gradually stronger until it started insisting that I would regret it if I didn't and should just get on with it.

You're right though - once DS has a sibling I don't think my head will be so lenient if my heart suggests a number 3! Neither will DH, for that matter........

Age also plays a part, it makes it more difficult when trying to make the decision within a set amount of time.

Thanks Luckysocks- I can see what you mean and it makes sense. I am quite a logical person so if I thought with my mind there's no way!!! However as you say sometimes you have to think about something deeper than logic etc!

I just don't think in 10 years time I'd look back and think 'I'm really glad I saved some cash/ Life's a bit easier' if I didn't have another child. I also have heard that once you have 2 and they are a bit older they tend to play with each other which can make things a bit easier?

If I were to be pregnant in the next little while then there would my first would be just shy of 2 years old. However I guess I've just got to hope that I can have a second child- there's no guarantees and a healthy baby is a blessing.

Thanks again everyone for your kind advice.