any advise on the 'naughty word'

[stressmachine]

I am a first time mum, dd is 9 months and i tend to read alot of books on parnting and babies etc. The other day MIL told dd off for biting her and said 'naughty girl'. I just cringed because i absolutly hate the word and just wondered if anyone else shares the same view. Do you think 'positive disipline' as i think it is called works? I read that ignoring bad behavior and consentrating on the good really works, does anyone go by this?? Sorry to ramble!!!

Agree with Jimjams about "No" being over-used.

Admit I am sensitive due to my own childhood self-esteem issues. "Naughty" is used so emphatically and directly, i would just as soon use almost any other word, and always separating out the behaviour from the child. Naughty is too loaded. I say "You are being horrible!" Not "You're horrible!". Still not sure if my 4yo can tell the distinction; he's slow on language subtleties unlike MariaLuisa's DD. Once Heard Impatient neighbour scold her 4yo "You stupid girl!" I know the mother doesn't actually believe for a moment her child is inherently stupid, but how she said it made me cringe for the poor girl, who is quiet and inhibited by any standard, anyway.

Oh I hate "stupid" as well zebra- that's awful. I don't mind silly- but again because I would always imagine it being used as mischievous and said with a smile- if it was used to mean "stupid" then no it's horrible. I think a lot depends on the delivery of these words, and the underlying feelings behind them iyswim.

I found myself calling me naughty this morning as I forgot to give the boys drinks I said "ohhh mummy's forgotton to give you drinks, naughty mummy".

I think Zebra's hit on an important point - it does depend on the child and needs to be taken in context with other things you say (obviously I'm talking about toddlers here, not stressmachine's 9 month old who I agree could in no way be naughty).

My dd is enormously self-confident and definitely has her moments of being naughty purely to test the boundaries. I certainly tell her 'no' a fair bit at these times ('come away' would be roundly ignored). But while it generally stops her from doing something stupid, it doesn't dent her enthusiam - but I could see how it would for a more introverted child.

I think the thing that really needs to be avoided is saying 'no' or 'naughty' when you simply mean 'that's inconvenient to me'.

CD, I suppose I think of it as if you said to someone at work, 'You are a lazy/stupid/careless person' instead of 'You made a careless mistake in your work' . One is fair and reasonable and addresses the behaviour you need to change/improve and the other is merely a personal insult and pointless generalisation which doesn't help anyone improve. IMO, no child is 'naughty' - though they may do 'naughty' things. I think children do often take these labels pretty seriously. And BTW I don't think twice about saying, 'that was naughty' - it doesn't take any more time than saying 'you are naughty' so don't really get that point.
Obv it is particularly inappropriate to use to a 9month old baby who cannot do anything naughty anyway. It's not the end of the world as the baby won't understand yet anyway, but I do think you have a right to insist on this sort of stuff with your own child.

Jimjams - I do that too. And 'silly mummy'.

19 mo DD loves the word naughty ! I think the word is used at nursery bu the nursery nurses sometimes, and from what DD says I gather it is the boys when they won't sit down for dinner. DD is often heard shouting out "naughty boys, sit down there!"

I agree with others thopugh, that it is best to label the behaviour and not the child in most situations.

I think the other thing to remember is that only 7% of communication is dependent on the words used (think it was 7% could have that wrong- the smallest part anyway). The rest depends on tone, gesture body langauge and intonation. So it really how you say something is almost more important than the words you use.

Oh dear! I don't particularly spend that much time thinking about it either. I tell ds he is abd boy when he misbehaves and as far as I can see he is a lovely child and I'm not damaging him in any way!

Naughty???? What's wrong with saying naughty?

About 5 people have painstakingly explained what is 'wrong' with saying naughty - re, labelling the behaviour rather than the child. Sorry, don't mean to be sarcastic, just scroll down.

I disagree about "no" at my sons age - he is only 10 months and understands "no" instantly. I would far rather say no than just remove him from the offending article, which is the only other approach I know of at this age. When he is older I will explain to him (as I currently do once he has stopped what he was doing, but not sure how much he takes in!)

fisil - I have always said No to DD too.And she always knew what I mean, and it gives a clearer message than just movign her away from something. I simply said no with a short explanation.

Do you use your teachers voice, like I do? Find it works very well! lol

I object to the word naughty on the grounds that it's a bit cringemaking really. I always think of busty, leathered up madams whipping buttoned up, red-faced city gents and that thought is so yukky that I'm loathe to apply the word to my kids. So I go for "evil" instead... As in "You evil evil child- get out of my sight."

More seriously, I think my views have changed since my kids were babes. I used to be quite hung up about what language used to tell my kids off etc- not that I told them off that much when they were under 1- but that's changed as our lives have become busier. I think I rely much more on getting the tone right now, as jimjams has said, and hoping they will forgive me the rest. (Though I would never really call them evil- honest!)

I do agree with everyone that the tone and general tenor of your parenting style is more important than one word. I tell ds he's a cheeky monkey, for example. (last time I did this I said 'What are you?" "A monkey' "what kind of monkey" "A red one'!)

fisil - yeah, 'fraid I do. Works with Dh too

I've heard the 7% thing, too, JimJams and I agree that it's the tone as much as the language. I'm not sure that labelling the behaviour is any better than labelling the person; I personally would be as upset as much by one as the other because I'd see the label of my behaviour as a reflection of myself. But that's just me - different strokes and all that.

I think 'No' can be useful as a quick attention-getter, if you need to stop a child from, say, touching a hot cooker and you're not close enough to grab their hand. I know dogs aren't the same as children (well maybe boys are....) but our dog understands a number of commands. But the one word that stops her in her tracks is 'no'. It's short, to the point, and conveys unequivocally what I require of her and I think the same applies to children. But it's only effective if the word isn't overused. Everything in moderation, I suppose.

One change I've noticed in schools between 16yodd and 7 yodd is that teachers no longer put crosses by incorrect work. They use a circle instead and I think it sends a much more positive message. To me, a cross is related to being cross and it's an angry looking shape, all spikey, but a circle merely draws attention and is a nice soft shape.

I don't use "naughty" as they don't use it at DDs nursery. I tend to use "not nice" as in "don't do that, please, it's not a nice thing to do". ( Ex DH used to call her BAD! Grrrrr!)
I always say please and thank you to DD when she helps or does things for me, and now at 26 mths she always responds. Bless her - she always says sorry (ie if she hits someone or upsets one of her chums) and bless you when she hears you sneeze and pardon me when she 'pops'. I haven't enforced this on her though, that's just the way I speak to her and it's rubbed off.

I think you have to choose your words with what you feel comfortable with yourself - and just think if you were being called naughty, silly etc. If you don't like it - don't use it!

Different families have different ways of using words - silly in our house is a funny silly rather than stupid silly.

Message withdrawn

Oh thanks ever so much Droile! Missed this little peach on a reply.

I had read what the people had wrote and was still struggling to see what relevance that had specifically to the word 'naughty' rather than saying bad, not good.... etc etc.

Your sarcastic reply wasn't necessary and you are quite obviously NOT sorry for saying it.

Why do people feel the need?

Although I am a big believer in the power of neurolinguistic programming I do say naughty girl to dd, but don't say it in a very negative way IYSWIM. Probably I should stop saying it but I am entertained by the word "naughty" and can't stop myself...
Things that go missing in our house are according to dd taken by "the naughty boys" - the same ones who do the "naughty boys' writing" aka grafitti. I am SO GUILTY of sexism and imperfect prenting on this one but it just makes me laugh too much to give it all up...

imperfect prenting should read imperfect parenting!!!

Mentioned about the word naughty at DDs nursery. Girls they told me that they are not allowed to use the word at all now.

As i've said earlier i do say "that was naughty" rather "than naughty girl", but i do think P.C'ness can go a bit far! I worked in a special needs respite unit and we were told we couldn't say "Good girl" we had to say "that was very positive behaviour"! (At least i got that second hand from staff), now THAT is madness!!