any advise on the 'naughty word'

[stressmachine]

I am a first time mum, dd is 9 months and i tend to read alot of books on parnting and babies etc. The other day MIL told dd off for biting her and said 'naughty girl'. I just cringed because i absolutly hate the word and just wondered if anyone else shares the same view. Do you think 'positive disipline' as i think it is called works? I read that ignoring bad behavior and consentrating on the good really works, does anyone go by this?? Sorry to ramble!!!

Can't help you too much I'm afraid, still figuring it out myself, but apparently you are supposed to say "that behaviour was naughty" rather than "they are naughty". But then again what do babies understand about being naughty. Nothing I assume. Positive discipline really works but it is hard to stick to sometimes. Good luck hope you get some good advice.

Can't help you too much I'm afraid, still figuring it out myself, but apparently you are supposed to say "that behaviour was naughty" rather than "they are naughty". But then again what do babies understand about being naughty. Nothing I assume. Positive discipline really works but it is hard to stick to sometimes. Good luck hope you get some good advice.

Ignoring bad behaviour, praising good and excluding the child from fun situations (time out) when misbehaving are the ONLY things that do work, that is just my opinion of course!

Just reread that message and it sounds very pompous, sorry! I speak from exasparation as too often I get annoyed and react to the behaviour until I find Im in a downhill spiral of shouting - its only when I take stock and try harder with the positive reinforcement that I see good results.

Just reread that message and it sounds very pompous, sorry! I speak from exasparation as too often I get annoyed and react to the behaviour until I find Im in a downhill spiral of shouting - its only when I take stock and try harder with the positive reinforcement that I see good results.

do you think i am silly for not wanting to use the naughty word, i am starting to wonder if it makes any difference what so ever, unfortunately i am very much influenced by my mother and she hates it

I see what you mean about the naughty word and I think you might be right.

Telling someone that they are naughty is very negative and implies that there is something intrinsically wrong with them - what you really should say is (like Bekki said) "what you just did was naughty", or I dont like you doing that etc etc thus making the distinction that it was a naughty behaviour rather than a naughty person.

While thats fine in theory it is very easy to say "Naughty Girl" without thinking too much about it.

ok do you think a 9 month old is being naughty if they scream because MIL thinks i should put a stop to it but it does not bother me. Also when me and DD are there she regularly brings in food for DD without checking with me and it really bugs me. I am trying to get DD to eat healthy but feel afraid to speak up. As you can tell i have many issues with MIL and she lives 5 mins from me so i see her regularly, i dont want to say too much incase i sound like i am being fussy or picky but she has her way and i have mine!!

Speak up quick - it'll only get worse if MIL doesn't know whats ok by you and what isn't - she probably doesn't realise it bothers you. My mum was like that with my 1st, drove me round the twist!

I think 'naughty' is stupidly inappropriate word for a baby. I really don't like calling children naughty at all - describe the behaviour not the child. Labels are counterproductive. Discipline is also totally inappropriate for a nine month old baby. I don't even like the word discipline, actually. I think positive parenting and and setting limits is better, personally. And yes, that's what I do with my ds (nearly all the time and it does work IMO. But 9months is far too young.

Umm, this one is topical with us and ds (10 months) right now. I agree totally about "naughty", apart from anything else, they aren't naughty at this age, merely trying to work out what is acceptable and what isn't (which is fair enough, the world is a bizarre place!).

We try to stick to a firm "no" while he is doing the deed - there's no point afterwards, he wouldn't understand. Then if he stops doing it, we give him a gushing "good boy". When he stops, he often now turns to us ready to be told good boy, as he likes it so much. (I hope he doesn't start doing good things just to get the praise!)

Incidentally, we happened to do the "no ... good boy" routine in front of MIL and she commented on how nice it was that we praised him. But as I don't know your MIL, I don't know if a "positive demonstration" like that would work for her!

I agree with Bekki. I think it's OK to say "that was naughty", but not "you're a naughty boy". Mind you, my ds is nearly 3, and I don't think I'd have used the word at all when he was a baby.

Similarly, I really hate it when people say "silly boy".

I felt just the same when my mum called ds a bad boy when he was about 5 months old!!! Partly overprotective as obviously he didn't understand it at all, but that makes it a good time to lay down the ground rules with your mil (as I did with my mum). my guess is that it's just how she brought up her own children and never really thought much about it at all - a quiet word in her ear about how you'd like to bring up your dd might help - or is she not the listening kind?

have to agree, i say "that was naughty" not "naughty girl"..........and i too think silly girl is awful!

my dd1 calls herself silly. she puts her shoes on the wrong feet then goes 'silly me' and changes them round.

I agree that its OK to describe behaviour as naughty, but not the child as it can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Silly I dont mind so much, seems less strongand less offensive. The one I dont like, which my Mum uses if one of my children is shouting or winging or whatever, is 'shut up' I havent been brave enough to challenge her about it and ds1 is nearly 12! (She doesnt say it often and we dont see her often)The children are shocked when she says it as it is a definite nono at school.

Goodness me what a pc lot you are! I don't even think about it. My dd is 15 months and I couldn't tell you whether I call her naughty or what she is doing naughty, I just don't think about it. Where do you get the idea that it's bad? If a child is being naughty why is it wrong to tell it so? Not trying to be annoying here, I am just genuinely interested and surprised at this thread.

Yes CD, if a child is naughty tell it so. I love the way you always see everything straight without having to stress about it (like me) (severe jealousy).

So long as the child is being naughty (but Stressy is right, how can a 9 month old be naughty, you have to have intention to be naughty) and as long as you say that what it is doing is naughty and not condemn the child itself, then you're fine.

I know it sounds pc, but to me it is everyday stuff cos at work if you say that a kid is bad you get quickly get into ugly confrontation. But if you say that it is bad to graff on the desk, light fireworks in the dinner hall etc., then you are condemning the behaviour, and the kid has a chance to make ammends.

Can't you just thump them

Obv kidding there. Yes I can appreciate in a school that one has to be more pc. I just feel that children appreciate a bit of discipline and it has to be immediate, if you umm and ahh thinking "now should I be saying naughty or you're naughty or doing that is naughty" then the moment has passed, they are on to something else and don't know what you're on about!!!

That's true. I don't know many toddlers who appreciate a full philosophical discussion of their behaviour.

Or teenager.

Or adult.

Oh yes, and "just thump them" is sometimes very very tempting.

Oh and Fisil my dh is always accusing me of being too black and white, so there is a downside to my decisiveness! It is true I find things either vile or divine and there is little in between. My dad was very like that and it could be quite stressful as a child as is fairly manic behaviour, so I should probably try and address it now so that my dd doesn't suffer as a result. However, you always knew where you stood with him, got ticked off and then that was it, it was all over and no sulking or long discussions about what we had done wrong.

My mum was so laid back that I don't really remember her telling us off!

Not even "wait til your father gets home ..."

FWIW DD has cottoned on to the difference between being naughty and doing something naughty very easily (she's now 2.9). So she willsay "Louis shouted at Miss Jones, that's naughty" rather than "Louis is naughty". She emptied the shampoo into the bath tonight and was very quick to say "pouring away the shampoo is naughty, I'm sorry but I'm a lovely girl"

Personally I find calling children naughty, stupid etc unhelpful and quite nasty,(poss. because of the sort of parents I work with!) I certainly don't appreciate being "put down" in that way, so why should a child be any different. Defo don't think a 9 month old could even behave naughtily, as to me "naughty" imples doing something to deliberately upset/annoy.

If you have to see a lot of your MIL you need to start laying down groundrules about who monitors/corrects your DD's behaviour and how it is done. you'll just get more wound up as your DD really does do "naughty" () things when she's a toddler.

TBH I think it depends on how the word is used. I used "naughty" quite a lot with ds2- but not really for discipline. I use ot to mean mishievous- as in "are you being naughty" said with a query and a smile. I don't see anything wrong with using it like that.

However we removed ds1 from a nursery he attended when younger- thereafter known as "the evil nursery". About a year after I removed him, a friend told me she'd gone to drop her dd off, and the manager was in the 3-4 year olds room - and could be heard outside screaming at a little boy "you are very naughty"- and I think using it like that is wrong (I think a nursery manager screaming at a 3 year old is wrong as well- but this woman was a bitch).

The word I really hate is "no". I don't use no very much, so when I go somewhere it is used a lot (like SIL's- not her though her dh) I almost want to scream. It is easy to avoid, rather than saying "no" it's so easy to say "come away" or whatever. Also means that when you do use it you are listened to.