need help with pre-teen daughter

[rumple9]

Been with my partner 21 years we have 1 twelve year old daughter who has always been very close and clingy to her mum.

On Xmas eve I found out my partner was cheating we had a major row and daughter heard everything so knows her mum is having an affair - I offered to forgive but she didn't want to know and said she didn't love me anymore and wanted to sell the house. OH then tried her best to try and get me to move out of the house but it is financially impractical.

Since then she has given me the silent treatment and is completely ignoring me in the house while we live in separate rooms until its sold.

However the reason for this post is that although my daughter knows her mum is in the wrong she just wants to keep her home and thinks that because I won't move out and continue to pay for everything the house has to be sold, so now she is not talking to me either, ignoring me and wont reply to phone calls or texts like her mum. If I offer to take her anywhere she won't go. She will only talk to me when she wants something. She is now more clingy with her mum than ever and they are both just spending all their time in the bedroom with the door shut.

If I try and talk to daughter she just says "shut up, go away". I've told her that her behaviour is unacceptable but to no avail. Generally she has always been very well behaved , loving and polite.

I feel like I've lost her forever because when the house is sold I will see less of her and she will drift even further away.

What can I do?

Didn't want to leave this unanswered and will begin by saying sorry - it seems you are having more than a tough time there....

What can you do? I think that you may start with some sort of mediation if only on the basis that you both need a relationship with your DD. This way at least you can both allocate formal times to be spent with her and build on the future.

Sounds like your DD is angry- and probably more than a bit sgared, her whole world is about to be turned upside down. The loving and polite girl is still there but very confused I guess. I also think it would be a good move to inform her school in order that they keep a better eye on her.

Stay strong and I'm sure that you will find a way forward, am just sorry I can't offer you a quicker solution.

Best of luck.

Without knowing all the ins and outs it does sound as if your OH is being unreasonable in how she is managing the emotions of your daughter. I think you need to set up a truce to discuss the DDsituation with OH -perhaps on neutral ground and certain,y away from DD. Is there anyone neutral that coud mediate ?

Well I've been off work this week as I had holidays to take. Had all sorts of plans to take her places and do things but she's done her best to avoid me. She's even started painting the house and cutting the grass which is something she's never done before in an attempt to make the house more presentable to help it sell. I don't know what oh has said to her but I'm being tortured.

I went to hug her today like I normally do and he said "Nooo" I could just cry.

This is sheer hell but I think she is just copying her mum's behaviour toward me. I was really hoping this week off I have from work would be a bonding exercise for us but she just wants to keep away from me a far as posible. I really can't understand. on the brightside I came home from the gym tonight and she sadi she had got too much chocolate for easter and gave me a bar of chocolate which really cheered me up but I told her to put it in the cupboard and save it for herself when she had run out.

I don't care that she is siding with her mum when she knows she has cheated as she is too young to understand, but what bothers me is that she is treating me so badly when I am innocent. Doe anyone have any insight or advice?

I really am desparate to save the relationhip with my daughter.

Can no one help with this?

I don't have much in the way of wisdom either but didn't want to read and run.

Have you thought of posting in Relationships instead? The board has a lot of traffic from very sympathetic people with varied viewpoints and a lot of experience.