NOT praising your child...

[usingapseudonym]

Has anyone else come across this? ie www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html

I've got some attachment parent/natural parent friends who are up in arms if anyone says "good girl" to their daughter. Now I admit I lean towards as much praise and appreciation of my daughter as I can fit into the day... I thought I did lean a bit towards the "positive parenting" model and a more tree-hugger type parent but apparently not.

Just wondering if anyone is following this model (and if so why, is it helpful etc?) Or if anyone has looked into it and thinks its all hocus pocus. Or any thoughts really - thanks!

Not sure... I was never praised as a child. However I was also crushed daily with the exact opposite. "You're sh*t" was fairly common.

I do know that I find praise hard to accept but that might be less to do with the no praise and more to do with the insults and criticisms.

I like the idea of no rewards etc. But I'm not sure I could cope with having to say things that don't come naturally, if you know what I mean. Having to think of a measured response rather than blurting out your instinctive feeling would make the technique feel like hard work, I think. To me, at least.

I know that personally, the praise I most value is from the people who a) don't gush indiscriminately and b) are those whose opinion I respect. So I use that as my benchmark for how I treat others, children included. 'Praise makes children feel judged'?... what a pile of crap.

I was lavished with praise. Probably undeserved most of the time. But I genuinely think it was just a reflection of my parents thinking we were awesome and not being able to hold back. We absolutely weren't awesome. Veeeerry normal in fact!

Now, with my DS (20 months), I am the same. I literally can't stop my self praising him and practically dribbiling with delight when he names a body part correctly.

Nothing wrong with it in my view. It can be a hard, harsh world out there. What's the problem with your folks thinking (and telling you) that you're the bee's knees?!

As a teacher we are encouraged to praise effort at all times rather than praise 'cleverness' if that makes sense. I have found this mich harder with my own DD when she was younger but am finding it easier as she gets bigger.

Apparently praising achievement makes children scared of trying in case they fail, whereas praising effort leads them to feel trying hard and giving things a go us the way forward! I know not everyone believes that though...!

I tend not to praise as such - I comment more than praise, so "hey, you did that by yourself!" or "that pirate has a very colourful shirt" or "I like the smiley face on the sun". "Good girl" is a bit of a general cop-out and I think that most of the time DCs would rather know that you've really noticed and engaged with what they've done than get all-purpose praise.

But I'm not anal about it. I'm sure that I occasionally get lazy and say "well done" or "what a lovely picture" (in fact I know I do, because the DCs always pick me up on it ("but what did you particularly like about it, Mummy?")). But if I am doing that I try to slant it towards the effort rather than the result if possible. Other people are welcome to tell them that they are good if they want.

It's all about balance, I suppose.

Working in the creative sector, I can say that I see one hell of a lot of talentless, limp students wandering around in shock at the fact that the real world is actually quite harsh and you get judged all the bloody time. They can't seem able to grasp that not everything they do is just fabulous.

But some praise is nice. I think praise means most from people who don't praise much. I praise all the time. I can't seem to stop praising people. I think I'm overcompensating.

I simply dissagree with the article that this is linking to. In my limited experience, as a mum and as a childminder, praising creates a very positive atmosphere for children to understand when they are making the right decision, and to relate to others, very early on. For example I am looking after a little 11 month old can walk already, and if he tries to walk towards the street, I say 'no' and if he decides to not walk towards the street I respond very simply by saying good boy. Praising is almost the opposite of No, so that the child will realise quickly what is expected of him. Otherwise how can a child learn a safe or correct behaviour? if he 'doesn't get hit by a car then he will realise on his own that it's the right behaviour? We praise when they take turn, share, play nicely, say thanks, etc.

Also reward charts do break bad habits. If a child has a specific issue, such as hitting, as a childminder you end up giving that child a lot of negative attention. With a sticker chart, you can encourage positive behaviour and once the chart is filled, the child will very often continue with the good behaviour, not return to the bad habits. It worked with my own children, and it also works with children I look after. I simply don't see how reward and praise can be a bad thing, and what you can replace it with. If you don't give children any positive feedback on what they do, you will end up saying no an awful lot and creating a very negative atmosphere, in real terms, on a day to day basis.

Not "praising" (in the narrow technical sense) doesn't mean giving no positive feedback, though.

I tell DD that she is a good baby and I love her very much all the time. I burst with pride everytime she so much as smiles so I am genuinely pleased with her efforts. I do really really object when people say she is an angel or princess or diva or something as I want her to be herself and not only good for exhibiting certain behaviours. I would like others to praise her for things she has done well and only when they genuinely consider the achievement worth something so she learns to say nice things to people when they deserve it - like you do with an adult surely?

For me though I do thinks she's good just for existing and if she always thinks mummy likes her she'll be alot happier than I was.

I completely get that article and although I have never followed any 'model' of parenting, that seems to be where I'm at. I'm happy to comment on areas where I think my kids have done well, but they never 'expect' that praise, so they don't do things specifically to please me, in any way.... I guide them and they make their choices.

I'm quite happy to comment on appearance or good homework or overly helpful behaviour, but equally happy to comment on things I see that I don't like....

My children are quite bemused by friends I have who are 'gushy' and overly positive . They find it very false.....

I go for the 'praise the behaviour, not the child'. So for example when DS (11mo) puts the lid on his toy box I say 'well done, you put the lid on the box!' rather than 'good boy'. That way his satisfaction is derived from doing something well and getting recognition for it, rather than just for 'being good' (which is very arbitrary).

What ElephantsAreMadeOfElements said pretty much sums up my attitude.