time spent with GPs? (a bit long sorry)

[DizzyKipper]

I was curious to know how much time your kids spend on their own with their GPs? I'm 29 weeks pregnant with DC1 but figure it's worth thinking about now. Yesterday when round MILs she bought up with me and OH that her and SIL have decided that she should have DC over to spend the night with her at least once a month.

Honestly first reaction was to be annoyed about being told this rather than having her bring it up as something she'd like, but me and OH had already been talking about how much we'd be seeing each family and were already looking at a once a month basis anyway - although obviously it had not been occurring for me as these visits as being me and OH buggering off time whilst MIL got to spend the night with the baby. I can see it makes sense for MIL to want spend time alone with the baby rather than with us as well, but not every time we visit and not when the baby's too young either.

MIL has a sister who already has a GC which she hardly ever sees - the DIL doesn't like her so contact is pretty limited since the dad is in the navy and not around often to make sure his son is still seeing his GM. As such MIL has a fear that the same will happen to her (particularly since me and her have had issues in the past, but I'm not the sort of person to create issues between her and my child just because me and her don't always get along).

Anyway I was wondering what the verdict would be on what a reasonable amount of time is for her to be seeing the GC? We live about a 30min drive away so not too far, though it's generally us who make the effort to see her rather than the other way around. Since OH will be working Mon-Fri and be out the house from 8-6pm whilst I'm on maternity we're looking at doing things as a family on the weekends mainly (both GMs work FT anyway so weekday visits probably wouldn't be practical). Considering we'd roughly have 4 weekends a month I think 1 weekend spent with my mum, 1 weekend spent with OH's, and 2 weekends alone together as a family (to see friends, other family or just be by ourselves) seems quite reasonable, obviously with room for flexibility.
But I'm not sure about her having to have the DC stay over every time we visit - I guess maybe it wouldn't really matter, we could get her to pick the DC up on the Sat and then we go over on the Sun if that's what she wants and it keeps her happy. But surely not when the DC is still so young (not broached this subject with her yet, exactly how young does she expect to get the DC with no mum around?). At what age do you think it's suitable to let your DC stay the night over somewhere without you being around (particularly as I intend to breastfeed).

I'm sure whatever I do will be wrong anyway but I am trying to think about what is fair and best for everyone (DC moreso). Being that I haven't a clue about childcare though I'm hoping for a few friendly suggestions from you more experienced mums out there.

Dizzy, it's hard before you have had your DC to answer any of these questions (as all babies and mothers are different) and what you decide now may feel entirely wrong when the baby arrives.

But I would say that when breastfeeding, it is very hard to be separated from your baby when they are small. My experience was that my son fed for around 45min at a time with a break of about 15min each hour for the first three months!

And even though he loves his GP and sees particularly my mum regularly - he will happily spend a day with her alone - he still would not tolerate an overnight stay. He is 19mo old. Lots of his friends do happily stay with their GP as they are less clingy at night but my son still wants mum (and only recently dad) at night. Both my mum and MIL agree he isn't ready yet to be away from us and are looking forward to having him overnight but don't want him to be miserable, they want it to be a treat.

For the first six months, I was lucky to get out to the shops for half an hour. And most importantly, I felt like my child was still physically attached to me in a way that almost hurt when we were apart. I actually ached to leave him for a second. It was primal. You would have actually have needed to kill me to take him overnight. I had no idea while pregnant that I would feel so intense. I was so in love that I didn't want the "space" I was occasionally offered.

So I think it's the kind of thing where you say to your MIL and SIL, "oh thanks for the offer, that's lovely. As soon as I'm not breastfeeding at night and DC is happy to settle without his/her mum or dad, it will be a great treat".

People often get overexcited by new babies and they don't mean to be overbearing. But regular stays are really the kind of thing you cannot plan to do pre-birth before you know how much you'll be feeding/your child's personality. So I'd just make clear that you can't wait for SIL and MIL to meet and bond with your DC but you'll have to wait and see regarding any overnight stays.

I would say no based on her having decided it's happening without discussing it with you. I also have to say that I find gp's feeling entitled to have young babies overnight really overbearing and weird. Wait and see how you feel and dont commit to anything at all. I'm close to my mum and was thinking, when pregnant that it'd be nice to have a night a month off and mum would have been happy to have baby overnight. But actually, it turns out that when dd arrived I didnt want her away from me overnight at all.

Good luck, it soundslike a potential minefield.

I honestly wouldn't start overthinking this at such an early stage. It could be aaaages before it's even practical for you to leave the baby overnight if you are breastfeeding. I'd just smile and nod at this stage and worry about it when the time comes. There is no right and wrong answer as to what age is 'right' for an overnight stay but having breastfed 3 kids I'd say you'd struggle to be apart from them for a night until they've dropped any night feeds - which could be 6 weeks, 6 months, a year old or more!!

I have to say though, seeing close family who are only 30 minutes away once a month doesn't seem like a lot to me. Surely you can have family weekends but still have the inlaws over for a bit? My parents are about 50 minutes away and I try and see them weekly, although admittedly they are retired so it's easier for them to come over in the week.

my ds was about 6 months old when I started to leave him with my mum for a few hours and since 10 months he has spent a day a week with her as she offered to have him one day while I work. Overnight - he's never been overnight with anyone but me and DH. I wouldn't like to be told by anyone what was going to happen, I think that's rude. If you are not happy with it then you need to tell her now that you won;t be leaving the baby with anyone until you are happy to, and definitely not overnight.

I can't imagine I would be happy for my ds to stay overnight for ages, he's 15 months now.

will you be breastfeeding? if so then it'll be a while before you can let the baby stay overnight with anyone.even if you are not i think it should be down to whatever you feel happy with and your MIL should not be assuming anything. I don't understand at all why GPs need to spend time alone with their grand-children.

Like everyone else says, see how you feel when your baby's here. I didn't leave my dd at all for the first 6 months, and I still wouldn't leave her overnight at 11 months. If your baby isn't a good sleeper you'll need to think how your mil will cope too.

It really depends on how you as a mum feel and what your baby is like. I know women who formula fed and left their babies overnight from a few weeks old, but I also know women who wouldn't feel comfortable leaving their children until they were old enough to make the decision themselves so 3+. My DS was combination fed and I left him with my mother to go out for meals from 3 weeks but at 13 months I have never him for a full night with anyone other than my DP. He stopped night feeding at 3 months but still doesn't settle easily or sleep through so it wouldn't really work.

Thanks everyone for your feedback, I'm feeling a bit more comfortable about standing my ground now (the idea of a sleepover for a baby under 1 wasn't sitting right with me).

And LingDiLong, I suppose seeing them once a month doesn't actually seem like a lot. It's what we aim for right now (realistically we probably seem them more than that, but I don't add it all up on the calendar or anything and we don't set visitation schedules, we just have a rough idea). We try our best to treat both sides of the family equally, which means trying to see them equally as well. Even just moving them up to 2 visits a month each will drastically reduce our alone time, and tbh our alone time is more important to me (particularly when we've had pretty heavy issues with both sides of the family trying to split us apart).

My experience echoes RubyRoos almost exactly. I have friends who formula fed and left their baby with GPs when she was a few months old and are definitely more laid back about it than me (I still have separation anxiety... DS is 2.8).

But whatever you decide, you won't know how you feel until baby comes, informing you that baby will be staying over once a month is just odd, and there really is no need to 'timetable' visits anyway.

I dont like the sound of that at all - its sounds grasping to me and the baby may not even take to her. My daughter always cried in MIL arms!!!

I would reassure her that she will see the baby - but you can't possibly say about over night yet until baby is here.

It just sounds selfish to me, some babies are happy with other people, some arnt. You cant decide right now to hand over your baby.

I wouldnt fall to any pressure from outside family. Concentrate on yourself. I am sure there will be lots of occasions when MIl can step and baby sit for you when you want her too.

My MIL went mad after birth of GC, MAD, grasping, in the end she saw baby quite often then as got older, at least three times a month from 8am - 8pm, and sometimes over night.

She still moans she doesnt see her GD!!! BUT my daughter doesnt actually like to go there now - so we have a situ coming up where we will just have to say - we ask her opinion now she is old enough and she doesnt want to go.

Basically you cant plan now - as some said you may not want to give up baby at all !!!!

Also, my MIL NEVER followed our routine with daughter, she tried to enforce her own, so came back sleeping broken up - feeds etc, which really ***ed me off!!!

Reassure, and dont let anyone bully you into seeing child at all. You can understand why she is afraid - but can she understand you are going to be a new mother!!!!

Thanks elizaregina, hadn't even thought about when it came to routines. I'll be switching to working sleeping nights once I finish ML so OH will have responsibility for LO most nights, so it's pretty important for his sake to get baby settled into a routine and sleeping well over night as soon as we're able to. Maybe she will but I have a feeling MIL won't stick to or respect any routine, presume she knows best and will probably use it as a reason to put us down to other people about how "controlling" we are (she's tried to make out the same to other people over our dog, all because we looked into different brands of dog foods and feed him what we believe to be the best, along with occasional treats - apparently that constitutes being "strict, strict, strict" as far as she's concerned).