What sort of grandparents aren't interested in having their grandkids over?

[stayfree]

Feeling a bit bad right now. Mother in law has recently died suddenly so obviously dp has been upset, we have 2 dc ages 5 and 3. Mother in law used to have them nearly every couple of wks for tea and once every couple of months over night. We wanted to go out this sat so i asked my mum if she would have them over night (knowing what the answer would be as she's never had them overnight before) but thought she might say yes due to the circumstances and her and my stepdad said no, made me feel really bad for even asking and even wanting to go out, just thought it might do dp some good. They have got young children of their own between 17-6 and always say they haven't got room, although they let their dc's have friends over night and the older ones love our kids and they all get on really well, so i can't see what the problem is, it's not like we are asking every week! dp is really angry with them, thinks they don't like him or his kids, so makes me feel really bad and stuck in the middle. Dp is threatening to move away now his mum has died, doesnt think my family have been very helpful/understanding, i can see where he's coming from.

My mum said, 'well we never go out!' so i offered to have her dc's if they wanted to, but they don't want to, they never have anything to go to, because they don't have a social life they think it's weird that we do! I know if you have kids you shouldn't expect babysitters, it's just my mum's family's attitude has made myself and dp feel like we are a hindrance, if you can't rely on your own family at times like this who can you rely on.

My dad has never even seen my son, except on Skype. Never mind have him over for the night. Or even a few hours.

My Inlaws have never babysat either, although they live the closets to us.

My mom would have him regularly if she lived closer.

It takes all sorts.

I know that lots of people's parents don't have their grandchildren, i just don't understand it and nor does dp, his mum loved having them. I know plenty of people who's parents jump at the chance to have them. I mean we wouldn't ask my dad of father in law because i don't think they're capable, but my mum is used to kids and only lives up the road. I know if i was a gp i would have them overnight once in a blue moon, i can't see why it's such a problem and it just makes me feel really bad for even suggesting it

I feel horrid that my father doesn't care enough to make an effort to come see my son.

But I also know it will never change.

Try to move on and accept it.

From the title, I was going to say - 'lots'. Children of that age are hard work - a visit is one thing, but overnight is another. However as they are currently parents of young children, and happy to have their dcs friends sleeping over, then it does seem a bit mean.

That said, you clearly have a 17 yr old brother / sister, so why not just ask them to come over and babysit for you ? I don't see why it has to be "GPs have them overnight or we can't go out" - we've been out plenty over the years without having any GPs who are prepared to have them overnight.

Your parents have had kids to think about looking after for at least 20 years, if not more. Having not had a break in that, they are hardly going to be excited by having more round the house tbh.
If you want to go out, get a babysitter - in fact one of your oldest siblings could be paid to babysit.

You could pay one of the older siblings to babysit or hire a sitter.

As your mum has young children still, do you help out or just expect it to be one way? Grandparents can still love their grandchildren without being on tap for babysitting.

sadly some fsmlies are more "hands on" than others

my kids have no contact with dps parents

i have none

try and not let it blight your otherwise happy life with dh and get one older siblings to watch them for you

HappyMummy - yes we could ask my oldest sibling or 15 yr old step-daughter / sitter to do it but obviously they would have to come to our house so you have to be back by a certain time, don't get a lie in after a late night out. It's not the fact we could never go out, it's more that it's a bit hurtful that my parent's aren't willing to have their on gc, especially as MIL has just died and they are my dc's only proper gp's now. Dp has had a hard time recently and it just makes him think that my family aren't very understanding.

As for helping my mum out, yes, i've had my siblings whenever she's asked for a couple of hours and as i've said before, i even said i'd have all 4 of them overnight if they wanted to do something/go somewhere, i'd be more than willing to do it just for one night, but they have no social life/friends so don't think anyone else should tbh.

er - that's the deal that comes with being a parent !
Now I think you are being unreasonable, in expecting an overnight sit, when it's not even that you need this to get to a special do (say a wedding 400 miles away), it's just that you 'rather fancy it'. Well, wouldn't we all !?! But part of the decision to become a parent includes the knowledge that lie-ins for you both at the same time tend to go out of the window for several years, and that, if you go out, you have a responsibility to others to be back at a reasonable time.

I've never had my much loved dgs [5 and 3] overnight but I do lots of days and evenings.My dd's inlaws are happy with sleepovers but dont want regular committment like me.

Really sorry for the loss of your mil, dhs mother and lovely gm to your children. . Fwiw, My in laws are very committed gps but have never had our dc overnight "just because". The two times they have had dd were when I had surgery and when I was giving birth to Ds. So overnight stays are not a measure. That said, there is a huge spectrum of gp involvement, from not at all to stiflingly over involved. And a lot of that is to do with how you feel about it too-one family's committed gps would be another's over involved ones. I would love my parents to be, well, different, but for so many reasons they aren't and I have had to learn to take the best from what they can be and do. Sounds very Pollyanna-believe me lots of angst and anger from me along the way. But now we've reached a balance. It's really hard when you want more from them than they can give especially at a time when you're grieving for a very happily involved gp.

It's sad but unfortunately not everyone has access to great GPs. My Dad is actually very good but would never have my DD to stay over. My Mum has only seen DD twice (she's 11 months). She sees my sister's baby every week, just to rub it in.

DH's parents are fab but live in the US.

It narks a lot, especially when you read pregnancy books saying 'take up offers of help from family and friends'. No-one has cooked a single meal or babysat for even an hour in the 11 months we've had DD, and we've even moved house 100 miles in that time.

Sucks but what can you do?

I don't understand it either OP, but i just let it go over my head now. My family are great and in fact keep pestering us to let DS stop over with them again soon. My parents trip over themselves (and others) to spend time with my DS. In fact we feel under pressure to let them have him, which actually isn't helpful when we both work FT and cherish our own time with him!

But the alternative is my DH's parents who just would not cope - and don't even want to try. Admittedly they live much further away, but they don't even make an effort despite being retired (time on their hands) and having the financial means to travel to see us.