What do I do?

[Glameow]

Hi. I'm new here and just looking for other peoples advice/views as I am really unsure as to what is the right thing to do.

I seperated from my ex over 6 years ago. I left the house and took my son(22 mths) with me. I was also expecting my daughter at the time.

I encouraged childrens father to see them but from the moment we left it was an uphill struggle. He saw ds 3 times in 5 months then dd was born. He came on the day she was born and then after that only visited them on 3 occasions in 8 mths, and then only because his parents came and brought him with them. On these last 3 visits he sat silently and sulked and I made the decision to stop asking him to see ds & dd as they gained nothing from these visits.

At aged 4 and a half ds was diagnosed with Autism and 2 yrs later dd was diagnosed with ASD.

I contacted ex's sister via e-mail to let the family know about this.

There has been no direct contact for almost 5 years. My ex and his mother send birthday and christmas cards. His mother puts a lot of money in each card. (This year my son received £475 for Christmas and birthday combined.) His father puts nothing in and writes simply ' To *, From Dad'. This has not changed in 6 years.

My ds has refused to open his Christmas/Birthday cards for the last 2 years. I have had to open them for him. He has thrown the cards away when I have given them to him. He says he doesn't want them.

He is 8 yrs old now and I have been thinking that, despite his Autism, he knows his own mind and perhaps it is only right that I help him, in an appropriate way, to do what he wants. He decided last year that his Father didn't care about him as he had never been to see him and wants nothing to do with him and he is 100% positive he doesn't want the cards but I do not want to keep them from him when they are sent.

My feelings are that if I were receiving cards from someone, which I didn't want to receive, I would return the cards to them explaining that I didn't want them to send me them anymore. Is this the right thing to do for (soon to be) 9 year old child? And if it is do I ask ds to write, which I know he won't want to, or do I write on his behalf?

This is so difficult as I want him to know that he has other family, even if they choose not to see him, but I want ds to be able to exercise his rights too.

Sorry its sooo long, and thanks in advance

That is a really tough situation. Does he still want contact with his Dad's family or is it just the father. what is your relationship like with the family? Perhaps you could explain to them what is happening and ask them what thet think would be the best approach?

Carry on as you have been doing...give him the cards and let him do with them what he wishes. He's only 8 and may feel differently at some point. He is exercising his rights by throwing the cards away.

Thanks for your input.

Strawberry - I have thought exactly that about his relationships in the future. I hadn't thought about him throwing the cards away in that way before.

kaylouise - We have had no contact with the family for a long time now - apart from these cards. He says he doesn't want to know anyone from that side of the the family but as Strawberry said - he may feel differently in the future.

I am very happy to keep receiving the cards and putting up with the sulking and tantrums. The amount of money his Granma sends seems a bit OTT though. I feel quite uncomfortable when they open up the card and note after note after note falls out of it.
I have been putting it all into their bank accounts so they'll have something to thank her for when they are older.

I can see why you would feel uncomfortable with that but I think putting the money in an account is a good idea. That way they can decide what to do with it... if they want it at all. Untill then I think Strawberry has the best idea.

I think the most important thing is that they know that you have done all you can to try and support a relationship with their father, I think you should be proud of your self for that.