So, family jungle drums say my DD is out of control!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sensesworkingovertime]

Apparrently my BIL has told SIL who told me that my DD 10 is OOC. I swing from being a tad amused about it to really cheesed off.

Let me explain, I'm not the kind of mum who thinks their child is perfect and never in the wrong, far from it, if my kids are in the wrong I hope I will see it and get them to apologise or give them a good telling off, whatever. That said, I will admit DD can be a handful, she has always been a free spirit and very stubborn and strong minded but she is in no way OOC.

To be honest my BIL knows jack shit about her ( he is rather posh, rich and aloof and I think he thinks children should be seen and not heard) because we hardly ever see them only at occassional family get togethers. When we have met up and gone out for a meal (last time when DD would have been 9) she has always just sat and chatted to him, I would say she is normally very amusing company as she likes mixing with different people. His DD ( 4years older) on the other hand just sits there with her mobile phone or DS game and I've learnt that her FB page has a remark on it that although I'm sure she intended as a joke,is offensive to a particular segment of society ( I wouldn't like to say which on MN) and should have been monitored and removed by BIL and his wife.

A part of me thinks that SIL wants to stir it a bit as she has mentioned this remark in passing to me several times and I just shrug and give a 'whatever' kind of response. Mini rant over.

Does he have examples of her supposedly OOC behaviour? If he's never seen her, or not often, what is he basing this on? Instinct?

I think I would just laugh and suggest to SIL that if BIL has a problem, he should speak to me directly.

"Free spirit" is often code for "no discipline whatsoever", I've found. Have you said to him that she's a free spirit? Because that could have put the OOC thought in his head.

But if you're happy and she's happy and school etc is OK, then carry on ignoring.

Has he said this directly to you?

Because if the only person telling you this - repeatedly - is your SIL, then I'd be looking at her agenda here...

In fact, next time she says it, I'd be saying, right. I have had enough of this. I am going to speak to him about this.

If she's lying, that should shut her up. Watch for a flash of panic across her face

Life is too short to care what the Twats think.

By 'free spirit' I mean basically that, it's a term that does what it says on the tin if you like, Hassled. Some people might use it to mean 'no discipline' but my DD has plenty of that. Like I said she is just very high/ free spirited, and, like I said a handful but not OOC. I think he maybe hears about the things she gets up to at the grandparents eg. playing tricks on grandad, and because cousin ( his DD) is nothing like that and always does what she's told STRAIGHT AWAY he sees a big contrast. At school she has done things like putting fake plastic beetles on the teachers chair for a giggle, this is not the same thing as ransacking the classroom though is it?

Thanks for the replies, it's crossed my mind that SIL does have an agenda here as she has said a few things like this. I know that DD is basically a good child, hardwork, but good and I shouldn't let these comments get to me. There's other reasons why they do but it would take me about ten pages and you'd all give up reading it!

I don't think any of us can tell. Maybe his DD is oppressed & maybe yours is a cheeky little madam. Bet the teacher didn't find it funny, though.

I would think OOC children get behavioural IEPs pretty fast at school. And get kicked out of clubs or told to leave cafes & other public places. Other parents approach OOC-child's parent in playground to moan about things OOC did in school time. Or simply never invite OOC to parties or around to play. OOC's parent gets told a lot by friends & family "You really have your hands full with OOC!"; and those are the kinder remarks. Maybe not all of that, but a definite trend.* Of course, to be truly OOC, the parent has to be blind to any of that being a significant problem.

*I have a child that meets this profile, but at least I'm not blind about it. :(

again though, what evidence do you have that he's even said anything?

Just ask him straight out. X has been telling me that you say....

I am always very wary of people coming and telling over and over that so and so has said such and such. I always wonder WHY they need to keep telling me this. What are they trying to do.

Well, I know which one of them I'd rather sit next to at Christmas dinner, even if I got a fake beetle on my chair :)

Cheer up. She sounds lovely.

She may or may not be out if control, but I have to admit I shudder when I hear a child described as a "free spirit" . It invariably translates as major pain in the arse.

He's judging your kid, you're judging his kid in turn.

Nothing wrong with that, we all do it.
If you are happy with your DC and he's happy with his, then I'd ignore. If they were just down the road, I'd make more of an issue of it, but as he's not I wouldn't worry about it. It's only if he really starts shit stirring or is horrible to your DD that I'd say something.

Thanks Vesela, that's nice of you. For the records yes she can be a pain but she is lovely and lovely to chat to. He has not said anything to me for the simple reason he has never had a need to because, as I said, she has only sat and chatted to him or other grown ups in his company. Honestly, it is not worth asking him outright, we do not see enough of him for it to warrant this.

By the way, it was a friend of mine who first called DD 'free spirit' when she was a toddler and used to take off down the street like Ussain Bolt with me trying to catch her. The desrcription has stuck!

Ragged, have noted your post, didn't mean to cause any upset to you with the terminology here.

What is so wrong with a child who does what she is told straight away? I thought that was the mark of a well brought up child..? That was me once, and i wasnt oppressed.

There is nothing wrong with it Martha, nothing at all, but there IS something wrong with an uncle saying to other family members his niece is OOC because she might not behave exacly like his daughter.