I was feeling fantastic untill

[CharliesMummyMeg]

Hi everyone I need a little help.
When my ds was born 10 months ago I was on top of the world, i was feeling fantastic everything was great, i felt like we had all the right stuff, i was doing all the right things breastfeeding etc etc and then after a few arguements with OH after sleep deprivation and feeling unupported by him he left after about a month and went back to his mums, leaving me feeling very strange. I was very upset, cried alot but i still looked after my DS never ever let him down. During this period i strarted to question if i had everything right for my son when he came, was his pram good enough? did i do it right? would his dad leaving effect him? would he remember? anyway, his dad is back after about 8 weeks or so and things are better than ever now no arguing etc etc but i still question everything, is it because i was so distraught from being left that i question things?

I did have everything right, i had alot of family support aswell which is great isnt it? I had a new pram, a new matress for his cotbed a moses basket a swining crib a bouncer, a swinging chair, second hand clothes all sorts i had the lot. I just dont know, please could someone tell me why i question if eveyrhting was ok for my ds?

Oh i hate this, i always need reasuring

I think your anxiety over the lack of support from your oh, has spiralled into your concious thinking.
Remember...all this 'have-to-have' junk for kids is relatively new - people have managed perfectly well without any of that stuff for a very long time before.

Have you spoken to your gp about the new development of feelings. You sound a wee bit wrung out x

I have but he just wants to put me anti depressants - i dont feel depressed im just in a mess.
Me and OH had awful arguements when ds was first born, and i always worry if he would remeber his daddy shouting at me like he did? Thankfully he stopped doing that now for the sake of our son.

I just wanted it all perfect, a baby, a house, a little dog, nice stuff nothing fancy etc i had a nice new kaps 3 city driver pram when ds was born as soon as oh left us i wanted to get a bloody icandy peach that i couldnt afford, we ended up with one but still - everything was perfect and i want to still feel like that because it is, but this whole thing of my oh leaving is making me into a strange person - i carnt describe it! I feel like it was wrecked in some way??

RANT OVER! haha

I'm meaning this in a kind way but you do sound very insecure, OP.

Maybe talk to your HV or GP? I had PND relating to childhood abuse and it manifested itself as me screaming at DP and being a total pain. My HV and GP were very supportive and I feel better. Not sorted but definitely better, if only because now I understand myself a bit more.

It's hard to face the real demons and easier to look at material things but I do believe you should try to make the first step and get yourself stronger.

Big hugs.

Its not unusual for people to have a lot of rows when a baby is first born. Massive life changes and sleep deprivation can do that to you, but you had the extra stress that your OH walked out, which isn't as usual.

I'm not surprised you are feeling anxious and insecure. You were left with a newborn at a very vunerable time of your life and that is bound to knock anyone's confidence.

So, maybe you need to have a think about what your OH can do to make things better. Are you worried that if you say or do the wrong thing he'll leave again, as if you have that uncertainty it will colour everything else.

My advice to you is to see if you can get some counselling to deal with what happened when you were abandoned by your OH and also so you can get to a place where you feel more confident in yourself.

You're upset because the man that is supposed to love you & support you swanned out of your life and back in again when you needed him most and has treated you very shabbily indeed. You're suppressing your anger & hurt in an effort to get your chocolate box 'perfect' family back on track and I think that's why you're feeling things are all wrong. It's not 'better than ever' if you're honest. Perfection is an impossible target. No arguing doesn't mean you're happy. Drugs won't help your frustration or resentment - and neither will blotting out the hurt by buying equipment. You won't feel better until you start to express what you really feel.