How to help my DH to be a SAHD

[SuperSesame]

Our home life changed last month when DH finished work and is now a SAHD. Our nearly 18 month old spent the previous 6 months going to nursery full time, which he loved. He's a social toddler and loves being around other children.
I work from home full time.
Life is different now that they are both at home while I'm working here too.
Its not terrible but I would like to help make things easier for both of them and help my DH enjoy the time he has with DS. He will be back at work (hopefully) in the Autumn.
There are a few things I would like to help him with but not sure how to. Writing this out might help me clarify in my own mind what to do too!

1. They are bored. On my maternity leave I had other mummy friends to meet with but DH's friends are working. I also enjoyed looking around shops to pass the time, but not really DH's cup of tea. He does visit his own family a couple of times a week. They have gone to the playground and played in parks but its not always possible with the weather. DH probably needs some ideas for indoor play and maybe some more structure to their days.

1. The house. I imagined that having time to do some house-keeping might mean that the house is kept better. Its not happening, in fact it can be messier now that they are both hanging around all day. I suggested that he might be able to change beds, hoover, etc. He has managed to keep the kitchen clean but thats it. I'm finding empty coffee cups in weird places all over the house.

1. He's stuggling a little with DS. Yesterday he spent over two hours trying to get DS to sleep at nap time. I was working listening to DS crying and its hard not to intervene. I think DH resents me a bit too. It would be easier if I left to go to an office. I eventually got DS to sleep yesterday and DH was very worked up and cross. Not really helpful for DS's nap at all.

1. DH can get a obsessional over things sometimes. For instance, he needs a hobby which I agree with. He needs to get time for himself so he's looking into cycling. He spent most of the day looking on his phone to find a bike to buy. Everytime I checked on them he was on his phone looking at bikes while DS was playing by himself. It made me quite sad because I would rather he spent his SAHD time obsessing a bit more about being a good SAHD, not trying to find escapism in his phone! I felt sad for DS too, its obvious he misses his friends and interaction.

I know that there are a few more months ahead of this and can see it boiling up into an argument. We have a good relationship otherwise and I don't want DH to feel resentful or get stuck in a rut. He's a teacher and has spoken about doing some words with DS to help get DS speaking. DS isn't very vocal yet. But he hasn't tried at all yet.
I enjoy reading parenting books and mumsnet for advice but maybe like most men he has no interest. I hope that I might get some advice here and can tactfully get these ideas across to him.

I sympathise and and in some ways am in a similar situation. I work full time and my DH is a SAHD to our 2.7 yo DD. He has found it hard at times, particularly in terms of playing with DD and entertaining her. He gets frustrated that she won't play by herself sometimes and I'm sure he wishes he had more time to himself.

A couple of suggestions:

Sounds like your DS is missing his nursery, so could your DH take him to a couple of playgroups a week? Check out your local government website or church halls to find some.

Getting out of the house is important, otherwise they will go stir crazy at home, so encourage them to go to the park or out for walks etc. If you have the budget, DH could take DS to soft play or clubs like tumbletots to burn off some energy and break up the day.

Re housework, my DH tidies up and washes up but never does any 'proper' housework so that falls to me at weekends. He does plenty of other things round the house such as DIY and also does a bit of freelance work, so I don't really mind doing the housework.

I have to bite my tongue a lot as if I was a SAHM I would do things differently, but they do have fun together and he does a great job, just differently from how I might do it.

I think it is helpful to have at least one activity planned (even if it is just a park trip) to structure the day around. Can you find some toddler groups for them to go to? Or activities at the local childrens centre?

DS would get to socialise with other children and DH would get to see other adults - probably 90% female but there are fathers too at the groups we go to.

Local libraries sometimes do story time activities too for pre-schoolers.

I think he needs to get his head around the fact that being a sahd is a job, and treat it as such. He seems to think it's just time off work with s toddler in tow!

He should be taking ds out every day, preferably to something social like a playgroup, and of course he should be doing the lion's share of the housework/household admin. You are a team, but it doesn't sound like he's holding his end up.

I speak as a sahm btw.

If he doesn't agree, I think you'll need to reassess him being at home - it's not fair on you or ds otherwise.

My Dh is SAHD to our toddler twins. He's amazing with them and doesn't do toddler groups etc. We are very lucky that DH and the boys are all outdoor types - they go out every day unless it is pouring, when they do the weekly shop or something like that. It really is essential for all of us when we are looking after the boys to get out of the house - otherwise the stress / noise / monotony can become overwhelming.

Your son's routine should help structure the day. So breakfast, dressed, go out to playgrouo/park/soft play/shops then home for lunch, nap (break for DH), then potter a bit then out again if possible.

Your DH could do chores with your ds to pass the time? Arts/crafts on rainy days?

Maybe you need to take a step back - or go out when it's your DS's nap to avoid crunch times? I bet your DH feels "watched" even if you're ticked away. It's a shift for all of you so it'll take time to adjust.

Can your ds do nursery 2 mornings a week?

One of the SAHDs I know makes a video of what he and his DCs get up to in the day. It gives him something geeky to do, it makes sure that they do something interesting to show mum in the evening and it gives mum a chance to catch up on what they've done. I realise that the OP works from home so might know some of what they do, but not everything.

Many NCT branches have dads groups too. Check them out here.

Several dads go to the toddler groups I take my DC too. Check out your local Surestart centre (if you still have one) for activities too.

Remember too he'll need some "me time" away from ds and using his mind. Why not encourage him to do an evening class or something too.

Thanks for the ideas, they are something to think about and hopefully I can persuade DH. I'm concerned for his own well-being too and don't want him to lose complete motivation in his own life.
Forgot to mention DS is keeping up nursery one morning a week.
There is a musical toddlers class on locally, not sure what it involves but I will research but I'm not certain I can convince DH to join in! I can imagine it would be harder for Dads to do these things when most of the others are Mums.
There isn't any indoor play centres nearby. But maybe if I get DS a little outdoor rain outfit they can do more in the garden.
I agree about having a routine to make the day feel more structured. Its definitely aimless at the moment. I agree that doing housework and having DS join in is a good idea. DS loves helping! But DH is likely to see through my thinly veiled "fun" idea!
Thanks for the point to about keeping my nose out. I completely get that, it never dawned on me really that it can't be nice being watched.
I'm going suggest making a plan starting from next week this evening.

I am in your exact situation right now (working at home FT too). Some thoughts:

Could you afford to still send DS to nursery a few half-days a week? We do this and it's great b/c DS loves it, DH gets some time off, and I get a quiet house.

Is it at all possible for you to take work elsewhere -- even just to the coffee shop for a few hours? I think the hardest thing about this setup is that you are there, but not really there. I know my DH finds it really difficult and I would give anything if it were practical for me to work elsewhere, it's a rotten setup.

The only way it can work is if you really resist every urge to go out and intervene. I know it's hard when DS is crying but you have to let your DH get on with it. Imagine if, when you were on ML and learning your way, you had someone in the background as a constant potential source of correction. It would be really stressful and unpleasant!

The phone thing would drive me nuts. I think it's pretty bad form. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with your DS playing by himself for a while either. If you can get them out of the house more, a little phone time will probably seem less annoying.

Finally, I think instead of pushing set activities, you should just agree that certain blocks of time are Out of House time. Then keep a list or schedule of potential activities and errands! handy and let your DH decide what he feels like doing.

I sometimes just take DS for a two hour walk around town. You don't need elaborate activities, the point is just to get out. If you make it sound like he needs to come up with really amazing and great things to do, he might be less inclined.

I really would let him find his own way with things, even if it drives you a bit nuts.

But is he happy with this arrangement? Tbh I'm kind of surprised a teacher is having trouble coming up with structure and activities and fending off boredom.

Sorry x-post!

My DH isn't a SAHD but does do a lot of childcare while I work at home. A couple of years into it and have the routine fairly sorted. Top tips:

• NEVER go to his aid unless he asks. One difficult day won't kill your DS and you can always discuss any prolonged crying/difficult periods in the evening
• discuss and agree with your DH what your DS should be getting out of every day/week (eg time outside, time socialising, time helping 'cook', time to play independently,swimming, whatever) and how those requirements are met.
• make sure you are on the same page re discipline/parenting methods. If you are you will be much more relaxed about leaving him to it as you know he will react in the same way as you. DH agreed with my principles, but was fuzzy on details, so I basically went through Unconditional Parenting and How To Talk... and stuck post-it's next to useful paragraphs. Sounds naff, but he hates reading so it got the ideas across v easily.
• make sure your standards aren't higher for him than you. I give myself a break for the odd short tempered episode with my DSs of days where we did basically nothing, but it took a long time to forgive DH for the same

Would he take him swimming. It takes ages and I am often the lonesome mum among the many dads. I used to find we got a really good nap afterwards too!

Has your DH actually asked you for help with all this? It comes across a bit that you are projecting your ideas of how things should be onto him. I was a sahm for 3 years and would have hated having DH hovering about judging me. I had some hellishly tough days and some days where I was bored but eventually found my own way. If he wants your help fine, but if you start making "helpful" suggestions he may take it as an attack on his style.

My DH is now a sahm Dad and is not into the whole toddler group thing, but there are other ways to be a stay at home parent. My DC are older and 2 are at school but he meets friends for coffee, does the odd play date and has had the older ones bulding a shed and doing some gardening after school the other day. He does things differently than me but ifferent is ok.

I felt that they were watching a bit too much TV and gently raised it but there is a way and nobody wants someone telling them how to do their job (and this is his job).

I get where you are coming from but that has to be a balalnce between what you think is needed and how DH wants to approach the role.