Still feel upset about another parent the other day

[posypoo]

Hi

I keep thinking about something that happened on Sunday, which has for some reason really upset me. We stopped off at a pub garden which had a play area, and let DD, who is almost 2, play for a bit.

She was half way up the ladder of a climbing frame, when another child, who was probably not yet 3, came running over saying that she wanted to go up the ladder first. Not knowing quite what to do, I pushed my child up the ladder quicker in order to let the other child use the ladder, at which point the other child threw herself off the ladder and had a tantrum that she hadn't been able to go up first.

I bent down to talk to her and said did she want to go on the ladder now as it was free, and her mum came over and abruptly swooped her away from me, and stormed off in a huff. I could see her telling her partner and friends about it, and she kept looking over at me and giving me the daggers.

The mum couldn't have seen what happened, as we were behind a climbing apparatus that she was in front of (she was sat at a table in the garden, having a drink). I definitely got the impression that she thought that I was in the wrong and that my DD had queue jumped. Had her child been on it first, I would have obviously made my child wait. What upset me most though, was that when my child fell off the ladder a few moments later (because I was preoccupied wondering what was up with the other mother) she seemed to be quite pleased.

It has really rocked my confidence. Did I do the wrong thing by not letting her child go on it first? There wasn't much time to think. But even if there was, surely you don't tell your child to let another child go first just because they are screaming? I once let another child beat me in a race at school because she was bullying me, and while I wouldn't encourage pushiness, I don't want to convey to DD that this is the way forward. But I am also really worried about having to deal with this kind of situation again as I am crap at confrontation and having to deal with upset other parents is the bit about parenting that I am looking forward to least.

What an arsehole! You don't assume another parent has been mean to your child when you haven't even seen what happened! If that was me I would have come over and said "oh sorry I wasn't watching, what's my DS been up to?" and just chatted to you. That's what normal people do.

No of course you shouldn't have let him go first! You didn't even have to push your child up faster, that was nice of you though.

I don't see what else you could have done. You could I suppose, have said to her "hello your son wanted the ladder but my daughter was using it, she's finished now though" . . . but frankly why should you do that when she approaches you with an angry face on.

And to be pleased your child hurt themselves. She sounds like a bitch.

(whispers . . . were they rough as arseholes?)

And don't worry about it happening again. I've heard of things like this on here but hardly ever seen in or experienced it in real life.

I am laughing at your penultimate paragraph! (yes, a bit)

Thanks for the reply, it has made me feel so much better. I was just so perplexed by her reaction and have kept worrying that I have ruined her DDs life (ok slight exaggeration but I did feel bad that she got so upset)

I am glad to hear it's not something I should expect on a regular basis though.

I know what you mean about dreading this kind of thing - DS is 2.7 so we're just starting to get incidents of it. He is pretty good and I tend to be close at hand at the mo to avoid pushing in etc but it means I sometimes end up "policing" the whole line which means very delicately stopping other peoples' kids. The other day a lad was trying to climb up the slide that DS wanted to go down so I gently told him no and then more firmly as he persisted. A man standing several feet away was looking so I asked if he was this kid's dad and he said, "yeah, he's SN and has to do things the way he wants" but showed no interest in coming over and helping to deal with it. As said above, it doesn't happen often but it might occasionally. Just be prepared to walk away and not try to "win".

Thanks Trixie. Her little girl was about your son's age and I was expecting a mum just like you to come over, having been somewhere in the background observing, and explain to her child that she was next, my DD had been on first etc, as usually happens (or vice versa). But the mum it was couldn't have seen it happen from where she was sitting which is what baffled me most about her reaction.

That must have been really frustrating about that Dad. The other kids aren't going to understand that he has SN, and besides which it might be harmful for him to be on the slide when others are coming down it so why on earth would he let him just do it?! You shouldn't have had to sort that situation out for him.

As you say though, it would have been pointless trying to 'win' and explain any of this to her on the day, but I must admit I have been ticking her off in my head ever since. I will try to let it go now :)

Some people. Clearly she didn't really see/hear what had happened and went into "what are you doing to my kid" mode. One of these things you need to let wash over you and not take it personally.

Thankfully as you've already noticed most parents are normal and sane, it is a shock when you meet the odd complete silly cow. Don't let it stop you doing things the right way.
My nephew has ASD, he finds it very difficult to cope with his peers. So my S and BiL have to hover close by ready to explain and intervene if necessary in the playground, very wearing for them but they wouldn't dream of backing off as far as the dad mentioned earlier.

Take the moral high ground (surely you know you did nothing wrong), forget it and move on. You don't change things by worrying endlessly about them. The problem was the other mother's, not yours, so just put it down to experience. You probably will come across shitty parents over the years. The trick is in learning to put it quickly behind you, where it belongs.

I wouldn't worry about it.

ime, people judge others by their own standards, so if she jumped to the conclusion that you'd done whatever - it's only because it's how she'd have behaved.

"Has sn and has to do things the way he wants" I have 2 children with autism and ime-that's a great big load of hairy bollocks and actually causes more harm than good. What he probably meant was it was easier to let him do whatever he wanted than deal with the meltdown. (been there, done that but we don't live in isolation and while you can let certain things go - you can't let everything go and you have to be considerate of those around you)

They are toddlers, both of them have the social skills of chimps, basically if there's no blood, it's a good result. Chill.

Oh the endless fun that is parental park politics (PPP - just thought of that name!) I've had years of it. Pushy kids and pushy parents,selfish kids and selfish parents and sometimes even pleasant kids and pleasant parents.

My mantra is, share, wait your turn, good manners, be pleasant, don't hog. Of course trying to get your DCs to do all these things is not always possible but I have a dam good try. With a lot of parents it's just, ' sod off onto the swings/ roundabout or whatever and leave me to do my endless texting/phoning instead of actually watching what you're doing.' Went to a park last summer with hardly any play equipment so everything was surrounded by at least 10 kids. One girl, who looked about 11 was on the only swing for the whole time we were there, parents oblivious or more like didn't give a toss. My DD was so annoyed she was still going on about it for weeks afterwards!

Please don't lose sleep over what this other mum thought of you, it's not worth it.