SAHMs, do you need/crave time away from your DCs, do you get it, and how?

[naturelover]

I suppose I'm at the end of my tether really, it just feels relentless and exhausting at the moment. Eldest has 15 hours at nursery but youngest is in the terrible twos and no longer naps :(

DH works long hours and is away regularly for work. No family nearby. I had a day to myself six months ago :(

I'd be interested if any of you can handle as much time with your DCs because I find myself going insane and getting impatient with them and not enjoying them. The days feel long and I cling to the odd hour or two a week that I get to myself. It never feels like enough time for me yet it's unlikely to increase for a while. I am starting to think we'd all be better off if I worked p/t. Perhaps I'd be more patient with them and enjoy the time I have with them more?

On the other hand, logistically and financially it would be nightmare as I'm a relatively low earner.

WWYD?

Thanks

I think all mums crave a bit of me time. I definately do. I am currently on mat leave with dd2 9 months and dd1 2.7. I make sure I go for a swim once a week whilst hubbie watches the munchkins. I go back to work three days a week and althogh I don't make much money after nursery costs I still like being me for a while as opposed to mum. A few of my SAHM friends enjoy it most of the time but still like a bit of spare time. Do yu have a friend who can have them for a while and then you can return the favour? Do you go to a group or activity each day?

I'm in much the same boat and haven't had a full day to myself since my dd1 was born in 2007! I make sure I get time to myself at the weekends - I just go out for an hour or two and sit in the library, look at magazines, get books out, enjoy the quiet, that kind of thing. Or meet friends for coffee (with no kids). Or go for a walk with music on. My dh is out of the house 11 hours a day during the week and we have no family in the same country as us.

It's not too bad, I am finding it easier as they get older and I feel loads better just for getting some time to myself every weekend. I have started going out more with friends at night time too and am enjoying that now I am past the baby-sleep-deprivation age.

My oldest has 14 hours at pre-school. This has helped, when dd2 was born I had them both all day every day for 5 months. When I have both of them I try to be out of the house as much as possible as the time goes quicker, they love it and the house doesn't get trashed as much! I have a friend who goes to the gym 4 nights a week to get time to herself but I wouldn't have the energy in the evenings.

I was just about to post the same thing. For various reasons I wasn't able to work when kids were born and have really missed it. I enjoy part of the day but part of the day I am going mad with boredom and getting seriously grumpy. Starting to hanker after my martini and lemonade around 4pm! I try to encourage the kids to play on their own a bit (4 year old b/g twins) but then struggle to find anything interesting to do for 15 - 30 mins I get that doesn't involved housework or tidying up. They are at preschool 15 hours a week (currently on hols) but it's really tough when they're not. Especially as they do like to do different things and bicker a lot... twins etc. It's the boredom I find the worst - I just don't always want to play kids games. I do get time off at weekends and when they're at nursery but it doesn't feel enough!

Nature- I could of written your post exactly. DDs are 3.7 and 22mths.
Naps are very hit and miss now so the odd hour every other day if im lucky at the mo.
DH commutes to london so gets home just before the kids go to bed. No family nearby. Evenings are the only peace I get.

We keep pretty busy so generally the days are ok but some days its just relentless. DD1 is at Nursery 5 mornings a week so its generally easier in the mornings with just DD2, but the moment she gets home they constantly argue and wind each other up and it continues all afternoon. Dont get me wrong they adore each other, just know exactly what buttons to press to annoy the other.
Feeling today as its Easter hols.

Time out for me is currently a weekly Zumba class!

As much as I love being a SAHM it does drive me mad sometimes! :)

Mine are 3.5 and 21 months. I am a SAHM looking for pt work for all the reasons you mention. I love them but I don't want to be responsible/on call for anyone 24/7, let alone irrational toddlers!

They sleep well most nights so i have evenings from around 7 until I sleep, but it's the starting the day with them, all meals with them, all the cleaning, cooking, clearing, referreeing, attention, energy. Guilt for too much cbeebies, exhaustion from trying to be high energy etc. Into car seats, out, in again, back out. Heavy lifting of the chunky baby who tantrums.

DH works FT so I get all the housework jobs and am always the default childcarer and 'expert' who knows what they want and need. I want to be me in another role too.

I visited a friend 4 hours away for 2 nights recently leaving DH with the kids over a weekend. Bliss. Going to plan something else like that soon. Otherwise its tough. DH wants some weekend time to rest and be alone to recharge for his work weeks, I want a lie in. It's stressful on us both.

I'm applying for pt and gritting my teeth until they get a little older or a job turns up. Can be lovely, but anything 24/7 is wearing.

the only mums I know who regularly get a much deserved break are those with family nearby

other than that you're stuffed (like me)

We slot in weekends on our own through out the year, leaving the other with DS for the weekend (probably amounts to about two weekends each). We each go to London and see old friends, eat out, relax, mooch about, drink beer

It wasn't always like this though. DH used to bugger off to London at the drop of a hat when ds was younger, sometimes not telling me about his plans till he was nigh on out of the door. After he'd done this a few times I'd had enough. I booked a train ticket for myself for the Friday eve. When he came home from work, I was pretty much packed, told him I was doing what he does and "it's no problem is it?" Not much he could say really

It did make him realise he'd been unfair though and he really enjoyed being with ds all weekend. They now call it their "Man weekend"

Both myself and my OH have no family, so we literally have no one to help us out.My salvation is Saturday when I have the morning to myself, OH has the kids and then he plays golf in the afternoon.I would love my children to have Grandparents and sometimes I feel jealous of people who have alot of support.But that's just the way things are, I'm just grateful for my Saturday mornings.

nature, I have two children in their 20s and a teenager and started my family late. I went into parenthood knowing it would involve hard work and exhaustion. I was totally disillusioned very early on as I had not bargained for how consistently exhausting, boring at times and demoralising it has been. It is not only the amount of work involved, as they grow it is constantly keeping up with teaching good behaviour, negotiating over every little thing etc. Some children are easier than others but I have had enough. DH was a workaholic and if there were difficult patches at home, he just stayed at work.

For some mothers, returning to work saves their sanity but for others that just means they still do all or most of the housework and the looking after children once their working day is finished and/or at the weekends, (apologies to all those with DHs/Ps who play a full part with that, but just look around the threads for the ones who do not)

When my youngest leaves home later this year I will miss her in some ways but am looking forward to it in others.

I feel like a wimp as I only have DD age 10m, but I still find 24/7 childcare relentless.

I try to negotiate a morning off on sat when Dh can spend quality time with DD, but sometimes feel I'm missing out on time with Dh!

Our local council leisure centre has a creche which I use. A workout and a shower on my own seem such luxury!

I can totally relate to how you feel OP. Even though I do work part-time, so do get some time away from the children, I find the days I am with them totally exhausting.

I have recently started taking some time to myself each weekend when DH has the boys. It might be just to do housework or food shopping, but it does give me a break. I also try to see friends every couple of weeks or so for coffee/cinema.

I understand that your DH is away a lot (mine is too atm), but could he give you an afternoon over the weekend here and there? It is important for you to get this time, especially if you are a SAHM.

sahm here to 3 dc ages: 4, 2 and 1...god am I finding it hard at the moment too! Very minimal help from PIL who will help with childcare occasionally which involves an hr or 2 every 3 weeks or so i can take 1 of the dc's to an appointment. So no break at all. It feels very relentless at the moment, dc3 bf's all night so very little sleep too. Dc1 goes to nursery 15hrs a wk which makes life a little calmer with the 2 little ones. Roll on Sept when dc1 starts school and dc2 starts 15hrs nursery!

Dh is very hands-on when at home, thankfully! But he works Mon-Fr 7-6, and now has extra work on weekends so is out 6/7 days a week. However I'm now tempted having read this thread to ask him to have the dc on a Sat morning if he's home so I can do nothing!

It might be worth looking for a little job, I was very happy when I worked 2 days a week...it did feel perfect to me. Also things that help: do online shopping so its delivered every week, maybe look into an evening class or something for you, could you find a babysitter for an hour or 2? Join a gym, or something similar with a creche attached so you pcan have an hour or 2 during the day working out/drinking coffee/going to a class?

It is difficult with no help. How about looking into a mother's help? Or Open uni course?

I've just applied for an OU course as I feel the hardest thing for me is not having something different to think about i.e. it all being children/housework/cooking.

Of course I craved time for myself when mine were little (especially then, as they grow children tend to become much more pleasant, imo).
I also lived in a foreign country (England, we are Italian), therefore the loneliness you may feel as a mum of small children felt amplified.

So, I sent mine to nursery 3 times a week from age 12 months, more or less. The nursery was lovely. They had a lovely time, they learnt English, they played with different toys,I had a bit of time for myself, I even managed to squeeze in some translation jobs.

Luckily, we could afford to do so. Also, I am not English, so I feel, and I say so after years on MN, I have less guilty trips about leaving my children for a few hrs.

I so understand how you feel OP. My boys are 7 and 4 and I have felt that way for nearly 7 years- and I feel so terribly guilty for saying so. My boys are my world but being a SAHM can be mind-numbing, relentless and lonely (IMO). I battle with feeling so selfish for feeling this way, so sad that I feel this way yet so grateful for the opportunity to be with my boys. My problem is some way along the line I lost sight of who I am and I no longer know what to do with any rare time out I get (had two hours to myself on Sat so went to Tesco to do the family shop!). My advice is never lose yourself, remember what you enjoyed doing before children and find some way to balance it with life now. Fight to stay you as well as the wonderful Mum you have become.

I can sympathise with this.

I am a SAHM and I cannot work due to health problems but sometimes I would LOVE to go to work and not be 'mum' for a little while. Eldest is at nursery which is good but youngest is at home with me for another 2 years. At the moment it is ok as she has decent sleeps but I live for the time when I can sit in total peace and quiet, just for a little while before I pick them up.

I honestly don't feel the need to have time away from ds. I think for me though it is because I waited a long time to be a mum (i was 40) and i don't want to miss a thing. I do get exhausted by the end of the day and would dearly love to have family closer to share the load occasionally, but i couldn't bear the thought of being away from him all day. Once ds starts at pre-school i think that will be the time for me to do something for myself again.

No judgement on anyone who feels the need to escape a bit - I completely understand how easy it is to become isolated and lose your identity - I do feel sometimes like i'm not part of the 'real' world anymore, but then I remember how miserable i used to be sometimes when I had a career, freedom and no family, and wouldn't go back to that for all the world.