Finding being a FTM really bleak.

[FaneFeyre]

10 weeks in and am really finding it tough. I'm doing it all wrong. I know everyone feels like that with their first but how do you deal with, for example, going out in public wrangling crying limpet-baby while the whole room/cafe/GP surgery etc.looks on, mortified on your behalf?

Just home from disastrous failed walk with hideously embarrassed friend. That I got boob out to attempt to BF in a coffee shop was, I think, icing on the cake for her. I know I shouldn't care about this stuff but today I do.

Does it really get better?
Do they really sleep at some point?
When can you hold conversations again?

Yes, yes, yes! And then it gets worse again when they're toddlers and start REALLY embarassing you in public.

I found life almost unbearable for the first 6 weeks and pretty tough for the first three months. You've just gone through a major life change and your body has been put through the mill as well. Plus you're sleep deprived and hormones still all over the place as you're breastfeeding.

Do you have support in RL?

Skip cafes for a couple of months. Find yourself some surestart stay n plays and pop your boob with the reassuring feeling that everyone in the room is in this motherhood thing together.

Your friend will get over it!

I was like you with my first - I had this image in my head of what I would be like and it was the complete opposite! I had many disastrous lunches trying to bf and ending up in tears! I must say though that your friend sounds a bit unsupportive. Why would she be embarrassed about you breast feeding your baby in a cafe?
Go to a mum and baby group and make friends with other mums who know exactly what you are going through.

Go easy on yourself it's only been 10 weeks and that is the hardest time.

Don't push yourself to do too much, just relax and enjoy your baby and only go out and about when you really feel up to it.

They do sleep eventually - I promise!!!

Thank you loveisagirl. Yes I do, I have a lovely DP and two sets of helpful families so by rights I've nothing to moan about. But I find myself counting down the hours until DP gets home from work. He's the only one I really feel like talking to!
I guess I am normally quite a private person, just not used to not-coping very well in public, if that makes sense.
DD is so lovely but wow, it's a big change.

It is very normal to count down the hours. I can vouch for it in toddler world.

But you do have to get out of the house or you will go a bit mental.

At about 5 months they get distracted when out and about and forget about boob. Good time for cafes then...

Don't go out with easily embarrassed friends for a while. Seriously. I was really nervous of being out and about with DC1 and I found it helped to be around calm people who were either used to being around babies and/or were otherwise supportive. By the time DC2 came along I knew what to expect. If DC cried then I found somewhere to sit and feed. I rarely needed to be anywhere in a hurry so if that meant sitting in the car and feeding or finding a bench somewhere then so be it and then I carry on. Sometimes I'd have to stop, put DC in a sling and push an empty pram home. Lower your expectations - your child may not want to lie happily in the pram while you walk / shop / chat etc. Everything will just take much longer.

Find places with lots of other mums - any cafes etc? Don't push yourself into straying out of your comfort zone for now. There's no rush.

It is such a big shock to the system. Just give it time. Be prepared to work at a different pace. I don't really do the baby thing and I remember just feeling lost for months.

But to answer your question about when next you can have a conversation...?

Thanks :) maybe I was projecting my embarrassment onto my friend. I think she just felt for me that I couldn't settle the baby (first time in her short existence that DD has EVER refused boob).

Oh and you are all correct; of course said friend doesn't have any DCs yet. I do need to lower my expectations. I know this.
Just thinking of all the things I have already learned the hard way since her birth...everything must be so much easier on No.2 and subsequent.

Thanks for the kind replies.

I found having a newborn really, really tough. I was reeling with shock, sleep deprived, isolated, whole world turned upside down... I remember walking my baby round Hyde Park and then realising with horror it was still only 9.30am and I had the whole day to get through. And then the night. And then the next day.

It REALLY does get better and you just have to get through this bit. Lots of us find it tough - no shame in that

That's the feeling exactly Devora.
Ah, maybe it's bad today because I never got to drink my coffee earlier and we have run out of coffee at home!

I remember posting something on Facebook after three weeks when I was getting all these congratulatory messages just saying 'how the hell does anyone want to have a second???'. I really couldn't imagine it and was hellbent on having just one child. Two years later and and here I am preggers with no. 2.

It DOES get easier, bit by bit. You get more experienced, you start to have confidence that you know your baby better than anyone else, and slowly you actually start to enjoy it. Honestly.

The counting down the hours thing doesn't go away (in my opinion) so don't feel bad about it. I still do it even with a toddler and it does prompt quite a lot of maternal guilt but I just figure that while I love her to bits and would die for her, I don't actually love the toddler entertaining bit. It's not unusual and it's not wrong - she doesn't know it and she will be at school soon enough so I keep telling myself to make sure I make the most of it!

I am remembering those early difficult days and weeks with a mixture of thankful relief (that you're only a first time mum once) and sentimental fondness (aw, I only had one!).
Going out becomes easier when you have to hand the bits and bobs that make it easier for you. For example, I always stuck a shawl or waterfall cardy in my bag so people didnt even know i was BF if i didnt want them to. You will be surprised how quickly you get into the out and about routine. Believe it or not, you're going to be an expert soon, giving tips to the rookies who are this very minute faffing around on some thread about conception or first time pregnancy!

I used to clock watch too.
I feel sad about that now as my 'babies' are growing up too fast and I feel like i wished their lives away when they were little.
I know it's a cliche OP but make the mist of it. They aren't babies for long

It is really really hard to make the adjustment, particularly with the first. I also think that you are most likely projecting embarrassment / disapproval etc onto your friends and unknown people at the GP / cafe. I felt like this with my first. With second and 3rd, so much more confident and realised that the vast majority of the 'looks' that I received from people on the bus, cafe, shops etc were actually supportive. I'd catch their eye and find they would smile and nod or make some little supportive comment or wry laugh - it was a revelation as first time round I had imagined disapproval wherever I looked. I had a couple of comments in cafes when I was bf where when I caught an eye they would look away slightly embarrassed and say something like 'sorry, it's just so lovely to see someone out bf their baby, I didn't mean to stare'. So please try and be confident and don't worry about other people and eventually life with a baby WILL become much easier (and a bit more interesting too!)

I remember going out with my friend when she'd had her first and I was childless. We knew each other very well but I had no clue about babies and just didn't really know how to be supportive of her. Honestly I doubt your friend was embarrassed.

And I have to say now I just like getting a glimpse of a little baby, so some of those starers are just thinking back to their own children. Some of them are probably pregnant and thinking, oh that will be me soon!

You will get in your stride and then they start getting mobile and its a whole new game! Try and hang out with other first timers - breastfeeding support group maybe? You are not getting it all wrong, you and the baby are still alive right? - success! You are learning how to look after a person you've not met who can't communicate except crying, its not easy!

I found this book very helpful.

Cheers all. Feel much better about things, just going to let go of embarrassment re my cluelessness and accept that the general public wishes me well!
God yes, I used to stare at mums and babies all the time when pg. Probably not very discreetly.
DD slept for 9.5 hours in a row last night. I am in shock.