only child

[Badcat]

i would really appreciate some advice and opinions on our decision to have one child.i am the only member of my peer group to have made this decision and i have been shocked and a little upset at some of the extreme reactions i have encountered.is there anyone out there with some positive experience?

I'm an only child and it didn't do me any harm. It probably gave me more of an imagination as I had to play by myself a lot. There is nothing wrong with being an only child. Personally I keep changing my mind as to whether to have another baby or not but its not the thought of ds being an only child that has worried me. Amazing how society judges anybody who decides to have only one baby or none at all. If it feels right for you and your other half then good luck. Just think of what to say when your son/daughter asks why he hasn't got any brothers and sisters and can you go to the shop to get one!!

Badcat - my dh and myslef have decided that our son is our only one.

It is true that we have had reactions on the lines of "Oh you'll change your mind" or "is that really fair to him" plus my mother putting on a sad face at the thought of no more grandchildren

When my husband went to see his GP regarding a vasectomy he told him to come back in a year!

All I can say is "ot thine own self be true" - your decision is your own and your reasons are no-one's business. I usually reply that I'm happy the way that I am and change the subject

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I am all for having as many or as few as you want - I would like 4 but that has much scorn poured on it by many (except dh, which is handy). I am one of two and we have been having a horrible time in our family over the last 18 months and it's about to get worse. I can't go into the details at the moment but one day I would like to talk about it maybe. However, essentially my brother and I have had our worlds turned upside down; we get on wonderfully and I think that we have been good at supporting each other. But ... it would be good to have more shoulders to carry this and another sibling would be good right now. Two is quite intense. One I don't know about other than the only children who are friends of mine seem happy; if that's what you would like then fair enough!

Isn't it funny how people condemn parents who want another child so that their existing child can get a donor match for liver/bone marrow transplant but actively support more than one child to avoid the "lonely only child" syndrome?

We too have decided to have one child and I was surprised at the number of people who felt it their business to give us unwanted family planning advice. I have now come to the conclusion that a lot of people have some serious hang ups/issues about what childhood should be about and use our decision to get stuff off their chest and their comments are not really about our situation at all.

Having said that, Dh thinks I am lucky in being able to convey with to people when they have overstepped the line and they tend to back off - I think he is telling fibs and I look angelic at all times

Stick by your decision. I have been adamant from before I concieved that I would only ever have one. I get the usual stories, like it's unfair on her, to which my usual answer is that I grew up in a large family and it ain't like the Waltons. Dh is an only child and seems perfectly well adjusted. To those who persist in telling me I am making the wrong decision, I spell out in graphic detail every aspect of the sluglet's very traumatic birth and make it clear that I am never ever voluntarily putting myself through that again. Works very well, especially on men.

Besides which, having only one child is a sensible economic decision, especially given the high cost of living/housing etc.

I have to say it is ironic that you ask this question at the moment as there are at least two threads running that question whether people should have children once they are on benefits or if they can't afford more. Although how much it costs to raise a child is obviously subjective. It seems to me that many people have children by accident - one way or another. (This isn't to say that those children aren't loved.) It seems to me therefore that making the decision to either not have children or limit ones children is immensely sensible, and responsible.

As to being an only child, my daughter reached the age of eleven before her sibling came along and I experienced many negative comments about her being an only child (even though I was a single parent for several years of her life!) I would say that there are pro's and cons in both situations and that children often want what they haven't got. However, what is best for them is what is best for you. If you are not happy they will not be happy. We are in the situation of having siblings who becasue of there age gap might in many ways be brought up as only children. I am waiting for the comments that the baby needs a sibling nearer his age! In an ideal world all children would be born for all the right reasons. Don't give in to pressure Badcat. Good luck.

People cannot help but bring their own family hang-ups to this debate. However, Badcat, this is definitely a decision for you and your partner and anyone who chooses to berate you for that is seriously out of line in my opinion.
We are so lucky in this day and age to be able to choose our family size (fertility permitting), no one else should be allowed to criticise us for that.
Next time someone is negative about your decision, how about asking them what they think the perfect family size is and then asking them if they think their should be legislation forcing everyone in the country to have that number of children. Hopefully that might show them how ridiculous they are being!

At a mother & toddler group recently, (I'm the only one there with 2) one woman said she was in 2 minds about having a second child, another woman said she had no intention of having another and a third agreed. No one made any negative comments, and in fact I felt like the odd one out having such a big brood!

I don't think you're alone with your negative comments. Although I now have my socially acceptable 2, I went the whole way through my pregnancy with people commenting on how close together in age they would be, how much work it would be, did I mind etc etc. It made my blood boil, happened every single day from aquaintences and strangers alike. It really put a dark cloud over my pregnancy which was very much wanted. Even now people frequently ask if they are twins. I point out one can walk and talk, and is 19 months older than the other who is lying in a pushchair gurgling, toothless, bald and very clearly, (surely?), a baby. They just then say defensively that they look like they could be twins and then say well, they are very close in age aren't they? It drives me mad and really upsets me. Will this interference go on forever?

At the moment loads of people seem to be pregnant with their second, but I know a fair few who have decided to have only one. I spent all of my childhood wishing I was an only child, and unfortunately my sibling relationship hasn't improved. My advice (!) would be to accept there's always insensitive and thoughtless people who think it's their place to offer advice/critisism no matter what your choice is, and if you've got more guts than me, have a pop back, I never do but it makes me mad every time.

I had a really bad time with my pregnancy, stuff that I've spoken about on other threads so I won't go into it, but my depression got so bad I tried to hurt myself. As soon as our dd was born I was offered a sterilisation on the NHS. I didn't take it primarily because I didn't want anyone else messing about in there and I wanted him to suffer for a change.
Needless to say our dd will be an only child and I too, have had negative comments, even from people who knew what I was going through. They said "Yes, but it'll be better this time" and "You'll be better prepared" and of course the usual "poor thing, not having any brothers and sisters to play with!" I usually jump down their throats at this point, but I will now take up Bugsy's suggestion and ask how many children should I have?

I made a point in another thread that society always finds so much guilt to heap onto mothers, this seems to be another of them.

Stick with your decision Badcat, you'll get nothing but support from us here on Mumsnet!

Badcat, we too only have one child now aged 4, and I know exactly how you feel re the negative comments, espcially when to top this other mothers say when moaning about their brood 'Oh its alright for you you've only one child to look after'. It doesn't help when in ideal world I would have had more than one but circumstances didn't allow this and it took me a good few months to come to terms with it. Now I just change the subject and on the whole people are now much kinder. The positive and supportive comments on here do help tremendously though - Thank you. Take care Badcat and lets concentrate on all the pluses to having the one.

Badcat, I don't know about you, but I'm definately relieved to find so many other people in the same boat. I think Bugsy's suggested response is excellent - don't know if I could carry it out though!

There's an article in this month's Junior magazine about the pleasures of having an only child so you could read that for further support. Louisa Young, who writes it, speaks of having the 'emotional space' for being calm and paying attention to each other. This struck a chord as many parents of two or more (including me!) say how lovely each individual child is - when they have them on their own! So go with your gut instinct and be happy. If there are lots of cousins or friends from big families on the scene, you can have the best of both worlds.

It seems you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. For some stupid reason you become public property as soon as you have a baby. I don't know why people can't just sod off and let us parents get on with it in peace. Parenting is probably the hardest (and most rewarding) job in the world and it shouldn't be made even harder by these narrow minded people.
Sorry, rant over
Badcat, you know what you want and don't let other people cloud your judgement. BTW I'm also adamant that I only want one child.

Badcat and everyone I am just so surprised and pleased that there are so many mumsnetters with onlies. Selja I agree with you utterly. Our dd is 5 and the will we/won't we have another has been plaguing my mind on and off for about a year. It never arose earlier because dd was such a nightmare to look after when young suspected ADHD, sleep clinics, parenting classes etc etc we couldn't even face the thought of no 2. I don't know your circumstances for having no. 1 but I know I REALLY wanted a baby. Tick tock and all that. The pangs for number 2 are much more on and off....
Viv I am sorry to hear you don't have that choice, and you are quite right people do say just that - its all right for you with only one to mind.
If its any consolation once no 1 gets to about 4 then people do ask less about having number 2. I found that the people who asked the most often ie every few months were those having or had their number 2, maybe looking for justification that their decision was right.
I was an only until I was teenager. Growing up as an only I found hard as there were very few of us around. Those that were tended to have single parent mums or other guardian arrangements. You learnt to live with it and stick together as not being 2.2 kid family. This makes you strong and independent as well!! These days of course there are so many different kinds of families - there should be no stigma like the "old days!!" and anyone frowning at your decision should get a life etc. Do we really want friends who are intolerant of people different to them and unsupportive of friends' decisions?
Incidentally Bro' was a wonderful thing to finally have. We adored each other when he was young and I was the big grown up sister. Now he is twenty something and we haven't spoken in two years. So yet another tale of siblings not being the be all and end all. Good luck.

I also get asked regularly if I'll have any more, despite being a single parent - like I have a lot of say in it.

Plus, I too don't speak to one of my brothers, who I was formerly close to. Siblings bring horrible things like in-laws (horrible in my case, I mean) to the family which has caused significant problems in our family! As a general observation though, a bit off-topic, sisters seem to stay much closer into adulthood than brothers.

My dd is an only child and has recently started asking why she can't have a baby brother or sister like her friends have. She does have some friends at nursery who are only children too. On occasions she has got really upset about it. (She is 4)
The fact is we tried for a long time for a second to no avail. We had given up, reconciled ourselves to the fact that she will be an only one and have moved forward. In fact we are really happy with our little family ( and if truth be told when I am not feeling all hormonal I don't want another one now.)
But how do I explain all this to dd, do I explain the lot, just stick to the you are special line or what? I would really appreciate your advice as I'm getting quite upset by it all, in fact I'm getting quite teary as I write this. Many thanks

Viv I cannot offer advice specifically on how to answer your daughter's question but I do think most kids will find fault in something or other their parents have "imposed" on them.It is just part of growing up and questioning why things are the way things are.
I was one of four and often felt resentful I was NOT an only child! My best friend was an only child and was sent to boarding school; she hated both. I was deeply jealous of her being at boarding school as well as her only child status!

Viv, how about telling her the truth, or a cut down version of it. Explain that you would have liked a little baby brother/sister but couldn't have one & aren't you luvky that you have her etc etc. Also explain that unfortunately some people aren't even lucky enough to have one. You may find she will accept that a lot more readily because she knows its not changeable. Having said that, my eldest dd (6) is desperate for a dog, but can't have one as she is allergic (we used to have 2 before we found out). Despite this she kept nagging until in the end I suggested that I may decide to get a dog, but as I couldn't have both, she would have to go! Needless to say, she soon stopped asking (yes, I am the mother from hell)

The responses here show the number of different reasons why people choose to have one child ? I was almost going to say to have ?only? one child ? amazing how we subconsciously slip into some predetermined mould of what is the ?right? number. It does seem like society is moving towards 2 children (or 1.7 or whatever the statistic is) and preferably ?one of each? (arghh!!) as being the ?model? family. I don?t think it is the number of children per se that is important but how you treat each child/ren. To suggest that one will somehow miss out on something simply because s/he is a lone child is ludicrous. As far as I can see most lone children are generally more confident and have a good relationship with their parents and seem to do well academically. Of course there are disadvantages ? they can be picked on, have too much pressure from parents, spoiled etc. What happens is of course down to the parents, the child and other family members, peer groups etc.

I once read an article about people who had siblings and hated them! They had never got over their mother having another baby. This is rather extreme of course but goes to show that children don?t necessarily love to have a brother or sister. As I say it all depends on the family situation. I come from large family ? two much older sisters and a twin sister. It was a nice childhood and being a twin was great but at times it was suffocating and we were sick of constantly being compared. I am having another baby but it has taken me awhile to do so simply because I liked the one-one relationship with my son.

I can work both ways and it doesn?t matter what you do people come out with stupid remarks ? a friend of mine asked someone if they were having any more children and she snapped back ?I am quite happy with THIS one? as if my friend suggested that she wouldn?t be! You can?t win.

Sis ? your comment about having donor children is very interesting.

Thanks folks for helping me get this back in perspective. I think I will go for the cut down version of the truth, thanks berries, when she next asks, (assuming it isn't in the car just as we are drawing up to nursery on a day when I am running late, as is normally the case with such things).
Jasper you made me smile I had forgotten that I too dreamed of being an only child and wanted to go to boarding school imagining it would be just like something out of Enid Blyton (sad I know).
Eulalia you're right it is so difficult not to sterotype people and their decisions even inadvertantly, whatever you say or do won't be right in someones eyes so why should we expect out little darlings to be any different.
I guess you can't win with them whatever you do!

So ks heres to older and knackered mums of one!

Thanks folks for helping me get this back in perspective. I think I will go for the cut down version of the truth, thanks berries, when she next asks, (assuming it isn't in the car just as we are drawing up to nursery on a day when I am running late, as is normally the case with such things).
Jasper you made me smile I had forgotten that I too dreamed of being an only child and wanted to go to boarding school imagining it would be just like something out of Enid Blyton (sad I know).
Eulalia you're right it is so difficult not to sterotype people and their decisions even inadvertantly, whatever you say or do won't be right in someones eyes so why should we expect out little darlings to be any different.
I guess you can't win with them whatever you do!

So ks heres to older and knackered mums of one!

Viv - I am another older & knackered mother of one, DS not exactly old enough to ask if he will ever have a brother or sister, & by that time I will be approaching 50 & DEFINATELY too old!!

It does amaze me how everyone feels that they can make such personal comments to you when you become a parent - because of my age (43) few people actually ask me if I am 'planning' another - if they do I point out that I would then be getting child benefit & pension at the same time - that usually shuts them up!!

Have to agree very strongly that having brothers & sisters does not guarantee good family relationships - in fact DH had been keen on another baby until a recent visit from his sister and family - the combined tensions/noise levels etc finally convinced him that one is lovely!!

I have two brothers and my relationship with one is, sadly, extremely poor and causes much conflict within the family.