Does anyone have a ds who is a real worrier?

[sweetheart]

My ds is 6 and I'm concerned about how much he worries and stresses about things. He will focus on a comment made in passing and literally worry himself sick about it. He also suffers with nightmares.

An example of this is about a year ago a fox came up to our front window, put it's paws on our window sill and looked into our lounge. My ds freeked out and still to this day goes on about the fox. If we are out and he see's a fox he will also freak.

Another example is that I was telling my dd (11) to be vigilant earlier as there have been reports of a man in a car approaching children in our area. Tonight after being put to bed my ds has come downstairs crying saying he is frightened of the naughty man.

I am concerned that he is worrying about things too much and causing himself unneccesary stress and sleepless nights.

bump?

Try to be reassuring and say how old you are (to them you will be old even if you are 20) and say that the fox thing has never, ever happened before and how v unlikely it will be to happen again.

About the man, say that most of the time he is with Mummy or another grown-up that he knows so it definitely won't happen to him but you just wanted to tell him about it for when he is a very big boy and goes out on his own. Also so that you know he is a clever boy and if a stranger called him over to a car he would just move away and ignore them.

Again mention that you don't know anyone it's happened to so there is no need to even thing about it and what would he like for supper (divert his attention to a different topic). Make sure that you read "nice" stories to him before bed and not scary ones which some children prefer.

I forgot to say that I think some DS are just born like this and the only thing you can do is reassure them and try not to voice fears that you have in front of them, or let other relatives do so e.g. if they are scared of flying or crossing the road.

When he is older you can teach him about probability and unlikelyness in maths and work on it in a more logical way.

I would say be glad that the things are worries abou are events that you can be fairly confident of reassuring him about. It's when they ask if they will pass exams, get a job or get into a certain school and you can't know the answer, that it is difficult to deal with!

My ds2 (14) is very like this. He always has been, even as a toddler. He got a bike for his 5th birthday that he didn't ride until after he was 6 "incase I fall off". Clearly it's just his nature and I spend a fair bit of time reassuring him that "it's" unlikely to happen. He is a generally happy lad and I don't think I'll change him now!

we do as much as we can to reassure him but it's getting to the point where we are worried about what he will pick up in conversations that will stress him out. He will literally pick up the tinest comment and get really worked up about it - even waking in the night with fear. I'm really starting to wonder if it's something I need to take him to see someone about - I don't want him to carry so much fear around with him all the time.

one of mine worries bout everything.confidence building has helped a bit as feels a bit more in control maybe?

My ds1 is exactly the same. No real solutions to offer, except that we have recently been recommended a book called 'What to do when you worry too much: A kids guide to overcoming anxiety'

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333360992&sr=1-1

We have been working through it and it makes a lot of sense to me and to ds.

I was about to recommend that book too - DS was old enough to read it by himself, but he found it helpful.

thanks stealth that's good to know - we haven't finished it yet (working through a chapter a night)

My DS is and always has been a worrier. He has a diagnosis of ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) and one of his biggest isssues is anxiety. He is 12 now & over the years, I have used a number of different techniques to try and help with his anxiety. More often than not, I find utter bluntness is the best tool.

I will be clear & hopefully authoritative & explain to him that whatever he is worrying about is actually quite straightforward. So, with the fox example, I would say that it is absolutely ok for a fox to look in the window. Nothing bad happened. A fox is an outdoor animal and does not like to be near humans. There is nothing to fear, it was just an animal being curious. If my DS raised the subject again, I would be quite firm & say that nothing has changed since we last spoke about it & we don't need to keep talking about it.

On the one hand, I think it is important to acknowledge a worry or fear, but I think it is important not to indulge them either - otherwise the anxiety will persist.

It needs revisiting, though, wattogirl - DS is in Y5 now and has moved on to worrying about different things now that he has more autonomy at school. For example - he lost something (left it somewhere and when he went back it had been tidied up). I said "no problem - tomorrow morning, go and find Mr X and ask him where to look". He wants certainty - so instantly says "but what if I can't find Mr X?" I come up with contingency plans 1, 2 & 3 (find Mr X at lunchtime, ask Miss Y, try Mrs Z) but he still comes up with "but what if....." scenarios and won't go to sleep until I come up with a plan of last resort which is not his responsibility (i.e. if none of the above work, forget it, tell me when I pick you up, and I will sort it out)

I need to get the book back out

yes good point stealth - I don't think there is a 'quick fix'.

PostBellum also has a good point about not indulging it. I find that really hard, you want to acknowledge their concerns and support them, but sometimes it can feed it too.

definitely a good point about not getting drawn in - and a reason I need to revisit the book as well. I have found myself drawn into the "yes, but what if....?" conversation too much way too many a couple of times - I now try and have a catch-all plan of last resort (generally, leave it and I will sort it) and say "use your initiative - do your best to sort it out, but if you can't, don't worry and I will sort it"

God, those "what if" conversations are exhausting & so difficult not to get sucked into. Before you know it 4 or 5 seemingly plausible scenarios are up for grabs and you get pulled down into nerve wracking detail with endless possibilities.
I try and go for one 'most likely' and offer a coping technique for that scenario. I also remind DS that we cannot control what other people will do (with ASD he wants to control everything!!!!). The only person that he can control is himself & the most important thing is to remain calm. This may sound weird, but if he is very stressed about something, I ask him to try and imagine I am standing beside him or at the back of the room & ask him to imagine what I would be saying. He finds that helpful.

Thanks for the link to the book I will go and look that out.

We had family for dinner yesterday and the conversation got round to sometthing which I knew ds would pick up on and worry about so I was trying to steer everyone around to something else without making it obvious. It really is becomming a bit of a nightmare!